My first entry of the year. I almost didn't want to blog anymore. It's complicated, but that is the reason why I am blogging now.

Humans are creatures of habit. Admit it. Unless you are really and truly determined and of solid mind, you can accomplish something, say quitting cigarettes. I mean, TOTAL and COMPLETE abstinence, no time limit. That thought itself can be so daunting and heavy already.

I'm not saying many people are weak, because definitely, there are the survivors and they are the true champions. But I know fully that I belonged to the weak-hearted ones. Not in the medical sense of the word, but when it comes to change, I still want to hold on to certain pasts. In fact, I ask myself: "Do you really want to let it go?" Those who know me, know what I am talking about. Despite the facade, it still hurts. It's like a dull pain that's going to be there for quite some time.

There had been a period of time where I realized hey, I didn't want anything I had yearned for and wanted so much in the past. No more mind guessing and time spending on things that eventually I do not actually need. The feeling was great. It was like beasts of various burdens were released from me, and I'm free. I literally felt I was walking lighter and when it comes to certain things, I didn't care and that did not affect me. Like I felt bad for not caring. Because I really don't give a damn.

But they came back. Death, questions, responsibilities and emotions just went away for a while; took a little vacation. Those things, I really want to let go. Because I didn't feel quite right wiithout them. Certain things, however, I welcomed the departure. Like whether am I going to be alone in the future. No, I will not. That's for sure.

I am, after all, human. My belief emphasizes the working of the Spirit daily and for a while, it was working. I was working with it to work it and then it all came crashing down. If nothing matters after death, why should I even bother about eternity? Some people I know will be really disappointed that I'm saying all these things.

It felt like brainwash, and now I'm still trying to figure out what i was actually looking for. Peace of mind? Release from stress of various kinds? I'm still deciding. It could be rebellion towards good things, I don't know.

I'm living and dying each day. Maybe one day, I will finally accept the change that was meant for me and I will not think of fighting it. Because that is what I am doing now, and if I am rejecting it internally now, I sincerely apologize and hereby ask for more time to deny my self and all that matters to me this lifetime. Because right now, I cannot.

PS: hey roxane... glad to see ur blog up and running (for the nth time). keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you that it survives :D