As i generate words to fill this entry, I'm listening to a song re-vamped by Jessica Simpson, These Boots Are Made for Walking.

I have to say, she can go country. After all, she is from the state of Texas and her so-called pop career died a few years back after she got married and started showing off more flesh than before. Plus, country is really big in USA. Look at Faith Hill and Trisha Yearwood. Okay, maybe Faith Hill is more pop-ish country or is that country pop...? Moving on.

Kelly Clarkson wants to be the next Cher. Listening to her song, Behind these Hazel Eyes now. Love the lyrics. Not that I find comfort or semblance of recognition. Just find them really powerful.

Take a Look:

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleepI'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once againI'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Sometimes, maybe just at this point in my life, I wonder if I would die alone.

Notice I did not say lonely. I'm not. I have friends whom I hang out (sometimes too much) with, and people whom I want to catch up with but are alas busy. I'm not lonely, as opposed to what Akon would say *sic*

I recall the scene in the hospital, the one with my mom on her dying breath. She couldn't even speak. The pain was excruciating, and the morphine was just knocking her out. Her own family, siblings, nephews and nieces were all present. Including my father's side of relatives. Even at death's door, she is surrounded by loved ones.

I always felt as though I'm walking around with a imaginary wound, the sort that would never heal. I am. Because I'm so attached to my mom, I know this gaping wound is going to be with me for as long as I live. It's fine if I'm the only one affected, but when people around me are affected, I get annoyed because they don't have to share my pain. They feel this need to share my pain. Despite appreciating this thought, I know full well they just want to make themselves feel better. I know that I'm harsh. I'm also impatient, impulsive and critical.

It's my mom, it's my personal pain. This is the last thing I need to do, to make You feel better.

I never actually acknowledge that. People know how the healing process go: before, during and after. The after, however, goes a long way. Everything around me, whatever I do...They all remind me of her. SO when people ask (when they do) if I do think of her, I tell them 'all the time.' Then they get abit upset because they reminded me of my mom's death. They also feel apologetic when they mention their own moms unintentionally and remembered mine passed away. Please.

So in the future, do intentionally remember to Not mention your moms around me. That's going to make me full a whole lot better. Thank you.

I should clarify that sort of 'guilt' people have, though I don't know why since it's my mother who passed away.

For the record, when I think of her, I don't think of her dying moments all the time. I think of the times when we went shopping, eating and basically just spending time together. Even at home, when she was up in the morning doing her daily chores. I'm never going to see that again.

I also want to say 'thank you' to those who treat me the same, pre mom's-death. Thanks for knowing deep down that is exactly what I do need, and for also asking about my father who is still hurting but doing well.

To those utterly tactless but harmless people ('get your mom to do for you...oh...sorry ah..'), I forgive you. Thank your lucky stars that I'm nice. Hah.

I don't know how this will hinder the way I look at love now. Because after my mom's gone, nothing seem to really matter that much.

This was not what I wanted to talk about in the beginning, but there's always the next entry.

My back is aching. It's a occupational thing. I cannot help but wonder what I've gotten myself into with this job. I mean, I love it and all the crap are tolerable at this point. There's always something that pulls me back when I decided to turn away from it... I have no idea what.

Anyway. A lot of new faces in the store these days. The jaded in me always get into a gambling mode whenever I see a new face: "Let's see how long he/she will last."

It's weird how people ascertain things now. In the past, a job is a life-long thing. Now, it's the opposite. Is it the Mac-age, where we, the Gen Y people, can no longer be patient and expect immediate and instant results? Have we already start to demean something even before giving it a chance? I think I know the answer.

Even values have adjusted to the NOW people. Individualism: bane or boon?

I don't know what point I'm trying to make now.

Time for bed.

1 - I'm walking away
From the troubles in my life
I'm walking away
Oh, to find a better day

Repeat 1

Sometimes, some people get me wrong
When it's something I've said or done
Sometimes, you feel there is no fun
That's why you turn and run
But now I truly realize
Some people don't wanna compromise
Well I saw them with my own eyes
Spreading those lies, yeah

2 - Well I don't wanna live a lie
Too many sleepless nights
Not mentioning the fights
I'm sorry to say lady

Repeat 1

Well I'm so tired baby
Of things you say
You're driving me away
Whispers in the powder room baby
Don't listen to the games they play
Girl I thought you'd realized
I'm not like them other guys
Cuz I saw them with my own eyes
You should've been more wise babe

Repeat 2

Repeat 1 to fade

--Walking Away, Craig David
*******************************

I was quite inspired a while ago to type something, but I soon realized that the content might actually spark off vicious rumors of incomprehensible damage. Therefore, I shelved it. There goes my instant hit of a entry, actually. If I were the censorship board, I would have rated it a R21, due to violence, gore and vulgarities.

This is a PG site that I'm maintaining after all.

Then, after visiting a chum's blog, I was once again inspired to type something. This time, the content is safe.

So, here I am, in the wee hours of Saturday morning, 4.55am to be precise. The same time I got home THIS morning from overnight work in the store. Why I did that, I refuse to elaborate because it will make me sicker than I already am.

With Class 95 on the internet playing Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely by BSB, this can't be further than what I am now. I'm not alone as in boyfriend-less lonely, but really enjoying the peace. While the rest of the world is stirring to awaken-ness, here I am, already am awake and on a mission of self-actualization.

The fact that I am not in bed at this time, and still relatively awake, FORGOING sleep, and ignoring the aches in my body... is something up with me? Have I finally gone off the bend? In a good way.

If yes, I jump for joy. About time.

If no, well.... then I better go to bed.

Gosh, my back....