So, I've changed my blog skin. Been wanting too, but so many things have happened.

After having the time to go through the various emotions that went through my head, I realized that life still goes on. This, surprisingly, dawned upon me when I was at the hospital the day my mom left. The nurses were still looking after the other patients, and they still have their job to do. It doesn't mean that they are unfeeling; it's just that in their line of work, they have seen it all and it is empathy they feel. For me, it became real and rooted when I realized that in school, I still have my deadlines to meet.

Time doesn't stand still, as such, time and tide waits for no man. For me, it stopped for a while, a few days at least. I still need to get away from too much activities. My emotions are still tentative. Sometimes, I worry that the day that I stop crying for my mom will be the day I have gotten used to her not being around. I tried to think that, she's gone to China to see the Great Wall; she will be back. That's what some people tell me; that she is not dead, but she has gone away. I also know that she has gone away to a much better place, and it is so much better. Just now, when I was aware that I am surfing the internet, I remembered that last week, at this time, I was in the hospital and she was still around. At least in the hospital, I can see her and she is still around. Now, I can no longer hear her breathe, let alone her voice.

All my friends are talking to me a lot, asking me out to lunch/dinner and all; I know their kind intentions. I cannot say I want to get over this, because I'm not ready yet. When I'm out with them, it takes my mind off my mom's passing for a while. When I get home, it gives me space to just space out. It's sometimes tiring to grieve... I don't know how long this will last, I know that as long as I have my memories of her, it will probably be quite a while.


~ nox noctis ~

I have a bloody neckache now and a paper due tomorrow. I don't know how to cope as well now. I don't even want to do anything. All the overwhelming feelings that used to overcome me, they simply just fade away. As long as I don't give them any thought, I guess I will be okay for sometime.

I really have IMpatience with immaturity right now. I have nothing to say to people who display such trait except: "Don't waste my time." I'm serious. I mean, I don't have time to entertain or say 'soothing' or 'understanding' words to these people who just want to feed their ego and justify their actions/words. If it makes you guys feel better, do it by all means but don't have second thoughts about it. Things like "was it a good idea?", "i finally did this or that, but it still feels etc etc...". Cut the crap, okay? Go kiss yourself in the mirror.

Damn, me neck hurts..... oh yeah, I think Atomic Kitten is coooool. Yeah, I do *I'm not drunk* So's Justin!!!! Rock your body~!! :D

* nox noctis *

I subjected my eyes to what I deem the worst piece of thrash yesterday. I don't even know what to say, except that it is beyond repulse.

Anyway... I totally regret it. It was something that did nto benefit me at all and only made me soo grossed out and I do feeel ill currently as I recall the images...oh my gosh. Ew. I need time to recover, I really do.


~ nox noctis ~

WELL... After much thought (not that much actually), I think I shall not made any hast decision regarding this blog. I did have happy moments venting my frustrations and indignance here, after all.

MY rash words came probably because of what is still going on with my mother, and how the whole situation is taking a step forward, then two steps back. Life still goes on, but it is just not the same as before, and it's kinda hard to get used to it... Especially when I know that my mum is not here in her home.

I've learnt to take things easy now and I mean really easy, like work. It is not my responsibility to make sure others do their job. In the words of Christina (or Xtina) Aguilera, it is not my job to mother them. It is my job however to do, well, my job as best as I can. That's it. Period. After that, I'm going to have the belated-yet-much-deserved fun that I have so missed out in the last few years.

I was in my highest state of alcohol consumption, and it was pretty cool, I must say... hahaha. I went with the buddies from Melbourne and my sis, and got home close to 3am. The miracle was, I was able to wake up to go to work in the morning, and I was early at that too...How cool is that??!!

I am relaxed right now, because I know that ultimately, all these feelings of useless-ness and helpless-ness are abounding because I'm trying to control my situation again... And I have to let go of this control. It is my mom, after all and I'm learning, as always, to let go.

Damn....I should lighten up, man. It's Saturday~!!

~ nox noctis ~

I'm going to terminate this blog. It may come as a shock to some people, but seriously, I don't really care. I'm just tired. Just tired.

~ nox noctis ~