Two exams papers down and one final one to go, after which I will be happily busy with preparing for my melbourne trip... Can't wait :D

Ironically, I did actually learn something from school. Heh, guess I did but I never really knew how to apply additional mathematics in my daily life. I know simple addition and subtraction, but binomial theorem in daily life? Geometry? How?

What I've learnt was that I have greatly overestimate myself. Geez, you don't need school to tell you that, some people might say. Unfortunately, that is how I found out about myself: through my textbook. I realized that I have been a backstabber. I realized that I too have betrayed secrets told to me in confidentiality. I realized that despite saying how much I want to be a good person, I can't help but slip into the mold.

I'm greatly blessed, because up to now, I have not face any great trials and tribulations that actually alters the way I look at my life. In fact, I do look forward to uncertainty. "Problems are opportunites for change" This is the exact phrase I saw in my textbook when it was defining the term 'problem'. Human nature prevents us from accepting change. Humans are creatures of habits. We yearned to be free from whatever shackles that we are trapped in, but when we are given the freedom, we do not know how to use it... because we have been shackled for too long; we become comfortable in our misery.

Isn't that frightening? Comfort in misery. It is something that all of us cannot escape from, but we can choose to face it and decided whether or not to move on. Have I? Not that I know of, anyway.

All right, that's all I have for tonight. Whew....

~ nox noctis ~

Well well well... another week has passed and what have I achieved so far? *long pause* oh yea, maybe the availability of other options with regards to the thing i hold dear to my beating heart: my future.

that's it folks. my blog, my rules...hehe :D

~nox noctis~

Sometimes (maybe most of the time), I wonder why I am doing all these... whatever I am doing. The future is still unclear to me, but I do trust God in whatever that is going to happen to me in the future. Perhaps it is my mindset. I yearn for things that are so superficial and fleeting. I try to stop myself from being distracted by such thoughts, and to focus on the things that really matter. It’s difficult, because as I look around me, people are living their lives. For me, it seems like I’m going from one phase to another... and what is the next phase for me? As I rush through project after project, assignment after assignment, it became clear to me what I was doing: paper chasing. The bachelor degree that I’m going to earn is going to be one of the tools that this world will use to define my worth and capacity as a human being. It’s sad and inane, and I’m not going to be defined by this thing alone.

I don’t know if all these ramblings are a result of a medicine-induced mind (perhaps). It sickens me thoroughly when people do not act their age mentally. So what is the meaning of growing up then? You grow as you learn, and as you learn your mind changes. Being held back by things that do not matter is just another excuse for not moving forward. Human are self-destructive by nature; they do things knowing that it would not do them any good. But do they stop? No. By continuing, it gives them the will to lament and whine and self-pity themselves. These people, I say to them... move on. You’re getting on people’s nerves.

So, people’s lives are what they dictated it to be. Mine is dictated by the God I believe in. It takes a lot of patience, and I guess one way to know what will go on in my life is to become God, which is not my plan any time soon. He’s doing a pretty good job right now. The stage is set, and my role(s) is/are defined. The Director will tell me what to do next, and if I want to get an Oscar, I better listen to Him.

~ nox notics ~

Today was a fine day. I truly realized that (and a friend put into words these thoughts) when humans actually put aside their differences, the world can be a better place.

It dawned upon me that as I go through this particular tough part of the year, I wasn't really growing the way I wanted to. For starters, I did not know how to handle the nitty-gritty episode that happened at home. Being the way we are, we just kept all thoughts to ourselves and let things pass. Just the other day, I wanted to cry; nothing bad or sad happened. I felt that overwhelmed and what I really wanted was to spill my tears to release all of these frustrations and immobile negativity that was holding me back from moving forward.

In school, I became emotional and unprofessional. I let myself be influenced by events and how I rationalized it was that, I have reached a point that if I do not speak up what I truly feel, I'm going to be walked all over. This is the tough part. Before I felt that way, things were done. We were efficient; there were results. The thing is, all the results are achieved with a lot of underlying discontent and grudges. When I entered the mode of being picky and rebelling, nothing was done and all we talked about was how bad/ controlling/ silly/ bitchy that particular person was. Were things done? No. More grudges grew, and we reamined stagnant that way.

At work, that's another world again. It is as though I leave an overwhelming world temporarily and enter another lighthearted one. The danger is that, when you let your guard down in this world, it's not easy to go back as there are many people looking at you and being in the real working world, this is very important for survival.

Work is fine, though I harboured thoughts of leaving it for good a couple of weeks ago. It was attributed to the fact that I wasn't focused, and I let my thoughts run wild. Well, I've gotten over that kind of suicidal thoughts regarding this job. I love it. I actually enjoy working in the retail/ customer service line. I used to think that I hated people, or dislike them immensely, but this job taught me otherwise. It taught me something, and showed me many things regarding people. I deal with people every day, and I see many different kinds of people every day. I enjoy it very much, and it gives me a opportunity handle matters that I do not usually encounter, be it customers or among fellow colleagues.

On hindsight...if this had not happened, I won't be here to write down all of these. I'm very reflective today, cos of what happened at work that made me think if I am being hypocritical with regards to handling certain kind of people i do not like. Well, still learning... :D

~ nox notics ~

Well...I'm seriously considering dropping out of school. Technically, i'm planning to drop out...so am i really dropping out? Okay,it's more like i want to withdraw from this course. However, being singaporean, i still have one more semester to go before i earn (with blood and sweat and more blood) that piece of paper known as a DEGREE. So, do i proceed? Of course. I'm stuck in this matrix-like system...argh.

Nope, I will not drop out, because it says alot about my perseverance and determination. Not to mention my duty towards my parents, and the promise that i would obtain a degree for them. So it is true. I am doing this for them, but it is also for my own sake because i know i'll be covered when I get out there into the working world. My parents know that too. Therefore, despite all the grumbling, groaning, cursing, swearing, sweating, bleeding, stoning... I want to finish this damn program and get a move in my life after that!

Temporal rambling.

~nox notics~

in the still of the night... with gary barlow's "forever love" playing on the radio, this is another one of those lonely nights of many to come.

i'm still up, rushing my report that is due today 1st April. i'm not rushing though, because i'm so tired of the hustle bustle. the report will be out anyway, so there's nothing to worry about.

today is also the 1st death anniversary of a Hong Kong entertainment icon. his life is colorful, to say the least, and for him to disappear from the face of his earth is a very sobering thought.

i mentioned to a friend that i don't remember this icon's death until i see his pictures/ images or hear his songs. call it selective memory or whatever, his death hasn't totally sink in for me. maybe now, it has. after a year, i finally accept it.

when i told that friend about my selective memory of the icon's death, he replied , "easy to forget". that got me thinking about what he meant by that. easy to forget.... has life pass me by so fast that i no longer hold things dear to my heart, and they are merely nothing but remnants of the wind and easily forgotten? have i lost all sentimentality? has my heart hardened?

i get lyrical when it's too late. most of the people i know are all fast asleep, and i'm the only one up. the time now is 4.15am. i should get back to work.

~ nox notics ~