Was looking around for a new blog skin... nothing took my breathe away, unfortunately. After all, I would prefer my own designs (if they can be called designs in the first place, heh) any time.

So, I figured out all my thoughts over the weekends; I do that better on my own. Talking it out disorientates me sometimes, and confuses the hell out of those who are listening too. Working in the retail line really stretches one's tenacity as a human being. Again I say, I love this job. It's the people that I meet on the job that tests me; the customers and fellow colleagues.

Different people, different working styles. Different customers, different attitudes. There are many ways to handle these situations. Between people, there are many ways of communicating. My strategy this time would be to look out for any sense of what i would call 'bad vibe' signals. In this aspect, I think I can pretty much figure it out. Walking away from something potentially 'juicy' yet damaging to the inner peace and tranquility of the already struggling me would be something I can be proud of. So what if I don't know about this or that person doing this or that, and because of that, someone else is unhappy and blah blah blah blah blah....... at the end of the day, when I go home, it's going to mean nothing to me.

Okay, on to a better note. Melbourne, here I come in three days. I would be heading to Down Under for this overseas study program required by school, and I'm still not prepared. Must be this last minute mentality at work again, damn it.

Great, that broke my momentum completely. Now I have to go write a list of what I really want to bring over. Ciao for now.

~ nox noctis ~

Sometimes, I cannot help but wonder how some people, even the people you love, can disappoint you in some way. I had figured that it might be due to the unrealistic expectation that I unconsciously set upon them, so when they fall short of it, I become disappointed. Thoughts like “I thought he/she knew better” surface, and as you ponder on it, it became clear that the parties involved have changed; it is only the direction as to how each individual change.

This job that I have...I love it, and still do even with obnoxious and self-important individuals that I meet regularly. I take them all in stride, and there are ways to handle them. Even when I realized that I have to suppress my true self and fit the mould (their mould), I know I will still like the job. I have absolutely nothing against this job, and even right now, I have no “suicidal” thoughts of quitting. What transpired only makes me want to tear off their self-righteous masks in time to come.

Maybe I am being very naïve when it comes to people management. It is not what I do or do not do that matters, it is how it is perceived by other that is vital. Pretentious as it may sound, it is unfortunately true. I did not want to devote any part of this blog to this issue, but I realized how I have once again learned from such an event: -

1. This is one reason why some people absolutely hate their jobs... or their superior.
2. I have to kiss some ass on the way up, even if it is a small step up.
3. I have to make sure people see me doing that.
4. When they do and form ‘impressions’ about me, I have to speak up or shut up.
5. When all else fails, say ‘sorry’ and look like you really mean it.
6. If your whole basis as a person does not crumble because of that façade play, you are a survivor and I salute you.

DISCLAIMER: If anyone who reads this entry feels that they are being judged and will take it personally, I say "My blog, my rules. My words, don't give a rat's ass how you take it."

~ nox noctis ~

So, life has been pretty peaceful lately. WIth no exams preparation to mull over, I sort of feel rather bummed. Such is human nature; when Fate puts you out of pain, you actually yearn for it because "there's nothing to do anyway".

Remembered having this conversation with O before, about how some people revel in pain and suffering, and would love to remain that way, brooding and wallowing. It is quite scary to me, because these people might actually never know happiness. It is going to be something so foreign to them, that they reject it. I don't even know why I'm talking about such people. They don't deserve any mention in my blog.

Which brings me to another thing my friend so casually mentioned but stuck in my head after that: How I continue to talk about certain people whom I dislike after certain incidents involving them. O will know, and I'm not going to talk about what, as it will totally defeat the purpose of not going into it. I guess for me, these people brought out in me extreme emotions and feelings which a rather peaceful person like me would never be able to experience on a daily basis. Such people are a lesson to be learnt, and I seriously wonder about the people who they hang out with. Are they flakes like them too? Birds of a feather flock together...so there is a basis to that phrase.

Sometimes, I wonder when I will get sick of the job. Currently, I am still loving it, and it is because I have a way to deal with the toxic people that i unwittingly come across. I have never tested the waters of subtle rudeness, which I will attempt.

Rusty Nail is THE drink for me. Uncomplicated and smooth. Hopefully, I can be a rusty nail some day.

~ nox noctis ~

First entry with a blog skin...not mine, but well. will do for now, since I'm too lazy to come out with my own, which i wil in the near future.

Thanks again to O...i will say it as many times as i want, cos it's my blog! I love it, and this is probbaly make me make more entries, hahaha..

~ nox noctis ~

The insecurities that I used to have about having a blog re-surfaced again. I realized that I have not told everybody that I know about my blog, and my casual mentions soon became enquires like, "oh, you have a blog? i'll go read it someday." that sort of made me go "errmm..hmm."

I'm not worried. Nothing vulgar or defamatory has been posted. It's just that more people will be reading and having their own thoughts about it, something I of course cannot control but yet cannot help but feel uneasy about. All right, I belive I am being paranoid. I am. Only the paranoid survive, though.

My exams are over and thus, I have all the time to prepare for my trip to Melbourne. I am excited about it, really. Despite the amount of (not my) money that will be blown, I'm looking forward to it. I'm being layman about this: money is meant to be spent. Spiritually speaking...I have not been a good steward of my money; something none Christians struggle with too.

O, Thank you very much for this skin... you didn't design it, but you helped enliven my blog. Many thanks.

Once again, my thoughts are running all over the place. I need to calm my brain down... must be the caffeine.Out.

~ nox noctis ~

Recently, when certain things happen, I thought of him. He who is in Sydney right now. I should be thinking of Him who is in Heaven... forgive me Father.

Sometimes, when you go through certain emotions, you want to talk to somebody. Usually, it would be with the people who know you well and know what words to say. For me, it was wanting someone to be there. No words are needed; just be there. Actually, even as I say this, the person is there already. I just want a real presence, and it sickens me to think how fleshly and vulnerable I allow myself to be. It's good, though, that no one is around to see me at my most dejected. The One who sees does not and will not say anything; being there is enough.

How much I am willing to show another person my weakness is a factor I need to consider when thinking those fleeting thoughts of wanting a relationship. I talked to O about changes, and how I seem to be going backwards when moving forward. Contradicting? Well, that is exactly how I feel. Perhaps I do need to face and overcome my weaknesses in order to move forward...now where did I hear that from?

That said... it's never easy. My thoughts will always, or as long as I allow it to be, with him in Sydney; wondering how he is living his life.

~ nox noctis ~