Boxing Day... love all my gifts....

The reason why you guys are seeing bigger fonts here is because of a certain person ( he/she appears in the Bible in one of the major events ) who, for reasons that escape my understanding, cannot see the normal fonts. So there you go. It's clearer now, eh?

So, I'm in a better mood today after a lacklustre one yesterday. Something I've learned recently: my potential of being a better person is being revealed to me day by day. It's cool, because I've seen aspects of myself that I thought would never be possible.

At the risk of being too spiritual, I shall stop at that. Let's just conclude that I feel changed. I can take on more stuff now.

Had a sort-of gift exchange with the bunch at work.... hahah, what fun we had. The scrambling of buying REALLY last-minute gifts, and the cursing and swearing by the asthetically/assymetrically challenged of wrapping up gifts in a presentable manner (me included )... it's been fun. Plus, the gifts are surprises in themselves so that was really nice.

Well, the night would have been better if it was rounded up with a couple of drinks... but even thought there wasn't any, it didn't make it any less fun :D

Merry merry Xmas~!!

Finally able to rest my stiff lower back and do some typing. It's more or less an update and some other stuff.

Christmas this year has been...well, I'm not too sure what. Something ( or someone ) is not there, and I know what it is. The fact is, it's never going to be the same and I don't know when I'm going to get adjusted to it. All the preparations are just ways for me to not face it when I'm by myself.

So, I'm officially done with school. Time to move on. It's kinda frightening how some people I know readily fit into the mould of getting jobs immediately after, be it uni or poly. Up to now, I still do not feel the urgency. My dad did ask when I'm going to be looking for a 'real' job, I just told him I'm looking. That's what I'm doing: just looking at the newspapers.

I still cannot see the image on my blog skin. It's got to be the bandwidth problem, which I have absolutely no idea what the heck that is. Anyway, people who have no such problems, enjoy it. People who've seen it said it was cool, which is pretty much what I'd want it to be, hehe..

Growth. How scary.

Tis the season to be jolly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
and all that jazz....

I love this skin.... It's probably the best one I've ever had. I had to use it. To the person who created this, you're great. Really professional. Keep it up! Okay, so I really hope I didn't screw up the whatever codes of this skin and mess up again. I really like this. Hope it turns out well *fingers crossed*

So Christmas is coming. Just love the season. Somehow, it brings out more love from people. Working in the bookstore tends to make one feel discouraged, because you actually see how ugly people can be. It's pretty appalling too, because it seems like all the prestigious and expensive education we have had has gone to the dogs. Or simply, education begets arrogance. If it does, it is very sad for us all.

I'll probably do something for the folks I know this year; didn't happen last year due to bad planning and of course, lack of funds. This year, at least I have the blueprint in my mind right now, and it's something simple... Not too complicated or expensive. Probably get some personal gifts too, because I know that some people who are reading this *ahem* have got me gifts, so I really want to... You know, there's a better phrase I can use other than 'return the favor', but it has slipped from my mind... eheh.

I found myself slipping back into the comfortable mould again, i.e. I'm entertaining thoughts of staying again. This is bad. I mean, not bad as in unforgivable bad, but I'm limiting myself by thinking that. It's scary to see how you can so comfortably go back to routine, because you don't want to change.

Okay, I shall keep this for another day. Bought 2 VCDs: Chicago and Edward Scissorhand. Watched Chicago yesterday and I love it. Catherine was pregnant when she did the film, and she had to do all the vigorous dancing.... She's great. She played Velma Kelly with a kind of relish, which worked wonderfully for the film. As for Renee, well... I'm sure she is a good actress but somehow her potrayal of Roxie didn't quite cut it for me. She's not bad in the role, but maybe I'm just not able to appreciate it. On the whole, the movie was really fine.

~ nox noctis ~

The Stop of Life...
Finally cleared out all the notes that I've accumulated over the years of education. It's surprising I didn't feel any sense of nostalgia or reluctant hesistance when sending them all to the recycling bag.... Guess it's more of a practical thing to do, clearing out my room, rather than something I wish I don't have to do.

So, time to move on. The question is, when and how? Damn, many a times I was so close to giving up and actually relished the idea of staying put permanently in the bookstore. I really love the place and the people, but deep inside of me, I know that these people are but passers-by in this stop in life called the bookstore. They are preparing their way to somewhere better... Or rather, somewhere with more opportunities. I even felt that some of them were a waste of talent being so-called 'stuck' in a place like this. Some I know are just putting up with all the crap they are getting for a better 'life' after. Some I know are just here for... I have no reason why they are here, seeing their work attitude. Some I know are simply contented to stay put, and it is really because they like their job and some, it is because they can get away with anything and I mean anything. To the point that it affects the morale of other people. I don't know if it is a result of staying longer than one should. Some, I see, they have been victims of their own fear. I don't know if I'm harsh by saying that, but the fear of getting out there and starting all over, meeting new people and re-engaging yourself to a new workplace environment...The fear is very real and daunting.

I know I'm not going to stay here; I know that for a fact. This bookstore will always be a part time job to me. It's time for me to move on and not entertain any thoughts of 'what if-s' and 'maybe-s' of becoming permanent.

~ nox noctis ~

HOT AIR BALLOON
Yep, I am feeling like one now. Lots of gas in the stomach due to the lethal combination of cream pasta and cafe latte... and that was three days ago, and I'm still burping. Damn it.

Met up with an old friend from polytechinic recently. Couldn't help but feel the impact of time once again, and how it has pass us by. It's probably less than 3 year since poly graduation, and so much has happened. For her, certain ridiculous things remain the same but now, she has a partner to share those moments with. For me, it is more like I lost a fight to the inevitable, and it is probably something I need to recover from.

I need to go back to church. I tried to not think about it, but it's there and it's something I have to deal with. Somebody once said something about a person's soul being the fountain of life, and it is the spring that brings life to the body. The fountain in me is drying up, this much I know. The rest of me is just existing, but not nourished.

~ nox noctis ~

.T.I.R.E.D.

I'm tired. Really tired. Tired of the responsibilities that come along with adulthood. Tired of the petty inconveniences that people whine about. I'm feeling so stressed to the point that everyone I know, I feel that they are giving some kind of stress. I'm just being full of nonsense and crap. I'm not going to whine in my blog, no way.

Nobody said the process of decision-making is easy, and what more of life-altering decisions. At this point, I figured I want to do some many things, yet it's all messy in my mind and I cannot take the mess that's inside. Sometimes, I think so much, it's tiring. Like how I'm feeling now. I almost threw in the towel at work just now. Wanted to just walk up to my boss and tell her 'This is it. I'm done here. I'm giving you my notice.' But it's so easy to walk away and not put up a fight. My mum didn't raise me up that way, and I know for sure that I'll regret it in the future, and I already have tons of regret to contend with, thank you very much. I don't need any more regrets to make my life even more.... regrettable.

So this is like PMS for big decision-making ahead. Like I need to go through a period of brooding and depression and utter disregard for anything else, before it hits me and I gain wisdom and intelligence. Well, I can live with that. It's probably my fatigue that is magnifying all the insignificance. I'll recover.

~ nox noctis ~

HTML HTML HTML HTML HTM HTML HTML HTML

I've been having some issues with the previous skin and some people said that the horrible Barney purple fonts did not do the metallic skin any justice. So here I am, back to my all-time favorite one. Till I master the HTML codes, this will be my skin to stay.

So, I have decided to declare my blog address to some friends. It's still quite embarrassing, because sometimes, what you have written here is for your eyes only. You conveniently forget that the rest of the WWW sees them too. I mean, hey, seriously buddy, if you really did want to keep your thoughts completely to yourself, why have a damn blog in the WWW in the first place? It's just simply unadulterated exhibitionism and a need for your words to be heard somewhere, somehow. ALL ON THE WWW, hear me roar!!!

Well, I have decided the direction that my blog would go. It would most probably border on cynicism and satirism. I mean, telling people about how I wake up in the cold/ rainy morning, dragging myself to the toilet, conducting whatever hygiene necessities needed to have a healthier life and how I am going to spend the rest of my day, be it with my dog, my friends, my boyfriend/ girlfriend, school mates... if I wanted to know all of these, all I have to do is to tune in to the real life station known as My Life. You’re no Paris Hilton. Who wants to know about your miserable life?

My blog is going to be interesting. I hope it to be, at least. As such, I shan’t be posting entries every other day. Like I’ve mentioned, you don’t need to know what’s going on in my life (what I had to dinner etc). Damn, I should have made this disclaimer during my first ever entry. Well, it's never too late. My blog, my rules.

Had a terrible time dealing with the previous skin and I’m telling you, it’s bloody troublesome. Ack.

~ nox noctis ~

Ok...so I've got a new skin out. The color is horrible, I know. It stinks the eyes, but at least it's VISIBLE.

This is a test drive. If it appears Barney-purple, I'm fine with it. It's still work in progress.

Peace.

America's Next Top Model,the OTHER reality shows and a really suave guy :D

Just caught an episode of this other reality show. Sometimes I'm afraid that I might give up drama for real unscripted ones; but as long as shows like C.S.I are on air, I'm all for them. Back to what I was saying.In the past, audiences always complain about television drama not being realistic enough and how the actors needed acting classes etc etc...now we have real people in real (no bona fide. Man, that doubt 'slightly' altered for ratings) situations. Well, it kinda of takes the fun out of ACTING. Soon,there will be no more actors and the term "celebrity" will be re-categorised into: minor, premium,means the Oscars...will there be award shows like the Oscars any more?

It's a dilemma for me. I really enjoy Amazing Race, and for me, that is still THE best (and intelligent)reality show around. ANTM is entertaining but you know...it's in the deep dark side of all of us less-endowed ones to watch pretty babes get catty. Ladies included.

voy·eur·is·tic
Pronunciation: "vwä-(")y&r-'is-tik, "voi-&r-
Function: adjective
A person who derives sexual gratification from observing the naked bodies or sexual acts of others, especially from a secret vantage point.
An obsessive observer of sordid or sensational subjects.

I always thought it was voyeuristic to watch real (when the term 'real' is used, it means the rest of human beings who do not have the chance/opportunity to appear on screen, be it small or silver) people in real-scripted situations; you know, it just does not feel right. However, I've gone and checked out the meaning of 'voyeuristic', and have reached a conclusion that it is not the case at all. Sometimes, you just wish you can be like these 'real' people who get to be on Extreme Makeover and be made-over and pretty and be happy... isn't that cool?

This suave guy... he's just suave. My gawd. I cannot continue. He's in the line of Jim Caveizel and Hugh Jackman. I mean, in terms of acting and performance, he's still below par, but my fixation on him is like with the two actors above.

~ nox noctis ~

Holiday celebrate
Holiday celebrate --- 'Holiday' by Madonna

yes...sort of. No more frigging reports. No more nerds breathing down my neck, and driving the rest of us humans with lives to our graves! No more getting questions instead of answers when asking questions. No more~!!!

Just saw some pictures that my friend had taken when she was in Japan for six months.... man, I just want to be somewhere; don't have to be that far and Sentosa don't bloody count, ok! and Japan seems like a cool country to visit; the amazingly interesting 'freaks' with heavy KISS-like make-up and Halloween-like costumes gathered at a park meant for their kind of people... Every country has its attractions, more so for my friend (who speaks Japanese too) because cos her idol happens to be a Japanese :D

Next week, I'll be going to Malaysia to see my relatives, and also get away from here for a while before preparing for my exams. I don't know how to explain this, but now that my mum is not around, it's easier to plan for activities. Maybe I have been so attached to my mum, that even when I'm not in Singapore, I still think about her. What I feel and how I act, however, comes out totally wrong. Why am I saying these anyway? Interesting how one thing can lead to another.

Time to plan for my future. For starters, I've been given the task for save up a certain amount of money in six months. After which, I have to increase the amount. It's a good way to force me to save finally. I won't be getting any more allowances, and I simply cannot live from hand to mouth; spend all of my salary, then wait for the next paycheck. I don't know how others do it, but I'm going to try. Tough, but I'll try.

Adieu....~

Eggs, Shorts and Boyfriends who should have know better

I heard a piece of good news just now. My dad (and I've heard from TV news just now) said that eggs will be arriving in Singapore in two days' time. How cool is that? I miss my source of protein.

I was at Orchard Road in the afternoon and saw this girl in this pair of impossibly short shorts (almost on the brink of being a bikini bottom). Obviously she is aware of the eyes on her shorts (mine were on her super-short shorts, not sure about the guys out there) and felt rather uncomfortable. This guy beside her, assumably her boyfriend (one would cannot be sure for now)with a pair of Oakley/ Killer Loop shades, beige berms and orange button shirt, had this arrogant air about him when it came to her and when they were on the up-escalator, the girl would be one step higher and he would be one step lower behind her to block the wonderous (debatable) view of her booty from the rest of the evil world standing behind her on the escalator. Cor... come on. COME ON. This guy friend with me was saying, "She might as well don't wear." Well, I think she's attracting all the wrong attention, and that guy beside her was being so (for the lack of a better word).... You fill in the blank. I mean, seriously.

Let's be hypothetical here. If that girl is his girlfriend and she is wearing that pair of SHORTS in Orchard Road (a place with plenty of escalotors around), she will know how that SHORTS is attracting attention. Let's be frank now, shall we? You wouldn't be wearing it if you didn't want that kind of attention. Seriously, my issue is, why does the guy have to stand behind the girl on the escalator? The intention was plain to see, and to me, it's dumb. You need a certain amount of confidence and flamboyance to carry off the SHORTS and if your girl can't and you need to be protective around her like that, it's stupid. I know I can express this in something more intelligent than 'stupid' or 'dumb', but I can't seem to manage it now. This relationship is going down, I bet.

No more shoutbox for now... can't handle stupid mindless links that morons post.

I hate school. I don't know what I hate about... if I try hard enough, I think I can come up with something.

All right, people seem to be enjoying lectures, and projects for that matter. I like lectures, I do. Projects.... screw 'em.

What else? School seems to be their second home. I really don't get those people who can come to school in the morning and stay through the day in the computer lab. How do they do it? I can't. Though I have to admit, it's quite productive for me at times. I still hate it nonetheless.

And the project mates.... I just about had enough of these mindless twerps. I don't have to take their nonsense. I'm not going to.

~ wrote this in the computer lab ... gawd ~

Went back to work today after a long rest. I don't know if it is called a rest period because I don't feel rested at all. Darn projects keeping my mind occupied.

Have been considering the option of going full-time. Then I remembered having suggested the idea to my mom, and she had given me her signature look of "do whatever you want, but I won't like it and you know it"....hahahaha. Mom, mom...How I miss you so. I have yet to come to a closure on that.

I'm really glad this is my final semester in school. I don't know if it is the after-effect of all that has happened recently, which I really don't think so because I had felt like that since day one starting this semester... Whatever it is, I'm glad it is going to be over and I'm planning a trip. I need one.

Through it all, I really want to thank my dear dear friends who have shown their condolences in various ways. Deep down from my heart, I thank you for all your efforts in helping me through this time. I didn't think I needed it, but I do and thank you once again.

~ nox noctis ~

So, I've changed my blog skin. Been wanting too, but so many things have happened.

After having the time to go through the various emotions that went through my head, I realized that life still goes on. This, surprisingly, dawned upon me when I was at the hospital the day my mom left. The nurses were still looking after the other patients, and they still have their job to do. It doesn't mean that they are unfeeling; it's just that in their line of work, they have seen it all and it is empathy they feel. For me, it became real and rooted when I realized that in school, I still have my deadlines to meet.

Time doesn't stand still, as such, time and tide waits for no man. For me, it stopped for a while, a few days at least. I still need to get away from too much activities. My emotions are still tentative. Sometimes, I worry that the day that I stop crying for my mom will be the day I have gotten used to her not being around. I tried to think that, she's gone to China to see the Great Wall; she will be back. That's what some people tell me; that she is not dead, but she has gone away. I also know that she has gone away to a much better place, and it is so much better. Just now, when I was aware that I am surfing the internet, I remembered that last week, at this time, I was in the hospital and she was still around. At least in the hospital, I can see her and she is still around. Now, I can no longer hear her breathe, let alone her voice.

All my friends are talking to me a lot, asking me out to lunch/dinner and all; I know their kind intentions. I cannot say I want to get over this, because I'm not ready yet. When I'm out with them, it takes my mind off my mom's passing for a while. When I get home, it gives me space to just space out. It's sometimes tiring to grieve... I don't know how long this will last, I know that as long as I have my memories of her, it will probably be quite a while.


~ nox noctis ~

I have a bloody neckache now and a paper due tomorrow. I don't know how to cope as well now. I don't even want to do anything. All the overwhelming feelings that used to overcome me, they simply just fade away. As long as I don't give them any thought, I guess I will be okay for sometime.

I really have IMpatience with immaturity right now. I have nothing to say to people who display such trait except: "Don't waste my time." I'm serious. I mean, I don't have time to entertain or say 'soothing' or 'understanding' words to these people who just want to feed their ego and justify their actions/words. If it makes you guys feel better, do it by all means but don't have second thoughts about it. Things like "was it a good idea?", "i finally did this or that, but it still feels etc etc...". Cut the crap, okay? Go kiss yourself in the mirror.

Damn, me neck hurts..... oh yeah, I think Atomic Kitten is coooool. Yeah, I do *I'm not drunk* So's Justin!!!! Rock your body~!! :D

* nox noctis *

I subjected my eyes to what I deem the worst piece of thrash yesterday. I don't even know what to say, except that it is beyond repulse.

Anyway... I totally regret it. It was something that did nto benefit me at all and only made me soo grossed out and I do feeel ill currently as I recall the images...oh my gosh. Ew. I need time to recover, I really do.


~ nox noctis ~

WELL... After much thought (not that much actually), I think I shall not made any hast decision regarding this blog. I did have happy moments venting my frustrations and indignance here, after all.

MY rash words came probably because of what is still going on with my mother, and how the whole situation is taking a step forward, then two steps back. Life still goes on, but it is just not the same as before, and it's kinda hard to get used to it... Especially when I know that my mum is not here in her home.

I've learnt to take things easy now and I mean really easy, like work. It is not my responsibility to make sure others do their job. In the words of Christina (or Xtina) Aguilera, it is not my job to mother them. It is my job however to do, well, my job as best as I can. That's it. Period. After that, I'm going to have the belated-yet-much-deserved fun that I have so missed out in the last few years.

I was in my highest state of alcohol consumption, and it was pretty cool, I must say... hahaha. I went with the buddies from Melbourne and my sis, and got home close to 3am. The miracle was, I was able to wake up to go to work in the morning, and I was early at that too...How cool is that??!!

I am relaxed right now, because I know that ultimately, all these feelings of useless-ness and helpless-ness are abounding because I'm trying to control my situation again... And I have to let go of this control. It is my mom, after all and I'm learning, as always, to let go.

Damn....I should lighten up, man. It's Saturday~!!

~ nox noctis ~

I'm going to terminate this blog. It may come as a shock to some people, but seriously, I don't really care. I'm just tired. Just tired.

~ nox noctis ~

SOMEHOW my blog skin changed without my knowledge. As a result, I can only post and not receive any feedback. I need help in this HTML sh#T....

THE week has been, how shall I put it, about me just popping by NUH every now and then. Mum is still in there and it is going to be indefinite as to how long she will be in there. I'm worried, of course, but not as much as I should, because I know that the doctors are doing all they can to ease her pain and to come up with feasible alternatives to keep her going. My mum, as far as I can tell, is still going on pretty strong....You go girl! :D

FRIENDS who know, they ask how my mum is and I tell them she is fine, and I am not lying or softening the whole situation. Sometimes, I wonder if I am being naively optimistic about her condition, then I realized that no; it has finally sink in. It is cancer, and the only thing it can go is not away, but into remission which I think is already good enough.

THEN they would ask me, "how are you?" or "are you okay/ all right?". To all the people I know out there who are concerned and reading this, I am really okay. Frankly, I should be okay because I'm not the one who has cancer. It is my mother who has it, and I guess some people (when inflicted with such family 'crisis') are so down and depressed and they show it openly. I'm not that sort. Different people have different ways of dealing with hardship and tragedy, and for me, I think the best way is to smile. It does make you feel better.

A church friend is in the next ward, near my mother. The first thing he said to me when I went to see him was, "We always meet under weird circumstances." The first time was at the bookstore, now in NUH. He too has cancer, and... Every trip to the hospital makes me think that life is so unfair. Why him, why my mum? Sometimes, religion makes you go "you know, since You are the one at the helm, you can change things, but somehow you don't and I still cannot see how cancer and suffering is good for the soul." I'll sleep on that and try to decipher an answer.

~ nox noctis ~ 

I have a feeling things are going to change. Again, there is this amount of slight change in me that has never been felt before. It's good and about time, too.
 
CURRENTLY reading Prozac Nation. So far, it is pretty engaging because it reads like a conversation/ dialogue. I'll try to get my hands on the DVD or VCD. It stars Christina Ricci, who I still think is a pretty cool actress. Her potrayal of Wednesday in the Adams Family Values is classic.
 
CHURCH... It's a sanctuary for me. I haven't been there in weeks and I do miss it, not because of guilt but because it is the place where I feel at peace and myself.
 
~ nox noctis ~

I wanted to change the blog skin, but decided to do so another day because today was simply a damn trying day for me.
 
SICKENING customer aside (it is a day like any other bad day in retail), it is the people who you work with who always, metaphorically speaking, slap you time and again with their brand of senseless-ness. This time, it is wearing all of my comrades out. It is completely draining us of our energy to have to, time and again, give in to her selfish and pampered whims.
 
WORK used to be fun, but now I am only staying put because of all of these comrades. These people whom I've met and fought bad/ stupid customers 'battles' with... these are the same people who make me realize that despite the existence of such idiocy and immaturity, we all know that one day, we will be released from them; the so-called salvation, I guess :D
 
IN school, the two Aliens Ultimo had taken the final step of breaking away from the group. I see it as a form of release and hooray for us 3, but despite that, I still feel that they have one-up-ed on me and the other two again. Again, they put out something and  expect us to take it, with no questions asked and no other ways  about it. Sometimes, their cluelessness as to what they have done is beyond me. I do not even know what else to say to that.
 
I  take my work seriously, I really do. Of course, there is always the occasional slacking off but that is normal. After today, this need to re-assess my work and personal values came to me again. Is the job worth staying any longer? What is at stake? What do I value? What do I want to get out of this?
 
Mum's still in the hospital, but at least she is being taken care of by the professionals. Would love it that she can be back home, but what ever that needs to be done has to be done for her.
 
~ nox noctis ~
 
 

HMM... I just like the new blog skin so much, I thought I would just pop in and drop a line or two.

SOMETIMES, it is the little things that get me all riled up. On the contrary, people always say, "It's just a small thing, forget it." Exactly. Since it is a small thing or issue, why not just forget it? I guess when this particular thing called 'money' is involved, no matter how small the issue is, it will be blown up and all bonds and relationships forged will be put to the test.

THIS train of thought came just a few days ago. The impact of it was simply ridiculous. Me and two other mates were shocked (aghast) at how this other two people ("Aliens Ultimo") are so particular (calculative) and detailed (penny-pinching). It is the long story that required us to pay for some damages we supposedly caused back down under, and the biggest joke is, we were innocent...But no, the two aliens just wants to settle the payment as soon as possible. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WE DIDN'T DO IT, DAMN IT~!!

THIS case of damage that we apparently caused has many loopholes. ONE, the amount of the damages was only deducted FOUR days after our departure, and without any form of notice, be it a phone call or email; just like that. I cannot help but wonder if giving out our credit card numbers is really safe and secure. TWO, the photo image of one of the damages was too incredible. To put it simply, this sort of damage can only be caused by a bowling ball being dropped into the middle of a ceramic sink, thus causing the cracks(Damage #1). Imagine how the impact would have been. Five people with an average weight of 55 kilograms each cannot cause such a damage. To clarify matters, none of us had a bowling ball in our luggage. Oh yeah, I have to add this. It is like one of another classic: Alien Ultimo #1 says that such cracks cannot be caused even if (get ready for this) somebody had sex on the sink (!!!) Go Figure, and understand my mental pain.

Plus, the picture could have been taken anywhere. If anyone of you thinks that I am trying to get away without paying, please do not read further. Get the hell out of my blog. THREE, me and 2 mates know for sure that we did not cause Damage #2, which is simply staining the lamp shades. This can only be done by hanging damp undies on the lamp shade, which I can assure you that I never did. Why am I so sure? Because the room was shared between a guy, me and another girl, therefore discretion and decency was applied. Unlike the (female) Aliens Ultimo who shared one room. Besides, I saw with my eyes the undies on the lamp shades in their room. For that, I will not pay for it because I know I did no such thing. FOUR, the 2 aliens... Or rather, Alien Ultimo #2 simply assumes that whatever email correspondences made by the suspicious/ scheming coporation ("SSP") was mistake-proof. She simply take it at face value, and did not seem to wonder if there were any mistakes made on their side. I mean, the Aliens Ultimo act as though they were never at the place. They just rely on the emails sent by the SSP. For the love of all humankind, can't they just do this brain activity known as R-E-C-A-L-L-I-N-G ? Maybe then, they will realize that hey, they were there in Australia too and hey, they did hang their undies on the lamp shade (pardon my obsession with this fact).
FINALLY, SSP is there and we are here. They have the credit card number and HAVE already deducted the amount. Either way, we are screwed on this side of the world and conflicts are already arising among this ticking timebomb-like group.

MY issue with them is, they just want to settle the damages paid and everything will be all right. Sorry, but this will involve hard evidence and as far as me and my 2 mates are concerned, the evidence produced by SSP is not concrete enough. I'm too principled in this case to simply just pay and it will be a sunny day again, because I am simply not convinced. If I had been me a few years back, I would pay and be happy that things will be the same again. Not this time. This whole thing is too flaky and hole-y to begin with. The Aliens Ultimo are assumptious in the way that they EXPECT us to pay, whether we are at fault or not. They are also not interested in finding out what happened exactly. Somebody else may have caused the damages and made us the scapegoat. The way they are handling this is f*#ked up, because they simply are.

IF not for my other 2 mates, this trip down under would have been killed just because those 2 aliens were around. It is true; their mere presence irks me to no end. As if their mere presence is not bile-inducing, the words that they speak of.... It is unbearable. I shall end here and now because they do not deserve any further mention in this blog. My blog. B*@ches.

In the process of writing this entry, I have been frustratingly disconnected by my ISP. Well, I'm not going to take any more sh*t from this ISP anymore. Pity I stayed with them because I was loyal. Guess what? I don't see myself being as valued as other users of other ISPs. Arrgghh....!!!!!!!!!

~ nox noctis ~

AHH... After a particular local internet service provider suspended my account for a few days because they think I'm not going to pay my bills, thereby causing the momentary cut-off from cyber space, I am back. Hey, it's just money. What's up with that cut-throat attitude? Oh yeah, I almost forgot. It's S-N-P--E I'm living in.

AS usual, many thoughts in my brain again. When my manager came up to me about a week ago to inform me that my contract is expiring and if I wanted to extend, I said 'yes' initially; as usual, shooting my mouth off, but I hesitated again, which my manager saw and said she will give me time to consider. I did want to extend my contract, for the basic reason of the extra cash. Recently, something happened and that forced me to re-prioritize. Mum was hospitalized, and for once, I know I do not want to see her like that at home. It was like a silent thunder for me to finally accept it. I'm forfeiting family time more than I would want to, and it is causing a change in me which I felt has never happened before. I did run away from it by burying myself in work, but in the end, I will still have to go home, but not to what it used to be. Or rather, how I keep insisting it is not the same.


PROBABLY the strongest reason is my mom. She is still hanging on, and I know this is the time where she needs support the most, so actually, not wanting to extend the contract was my initial decision which was fairly easy to make. But like what a fellow colleague said, it is the bond that have been forged, and that faltered my initial decision. I really want to stay because of all the fantastic people that I've gotten to know, and yet I want to stay at home and be with my mom. Both sides are equally strong, and there is no apparent winner, so to speak. I guess having this opportunity to work weekends is sort of like a gift from heaven. I'm very reluctant to give up my sole income stream, plus the fact that I have several desires to satisfy which required money to realize... Thanks, Almighty God. I'm not going to say You always know because You Do, but I think in this case, it is more apt to say that You Provide.

I remembered mulling over this in the hospital, and it just came to me: God provides. That's it :D

I have to change my mindset. There are so many things that require change, and I look forward to it. It's kind of hard for certain things to NOT remain status quo, but one has to move on and staying because of the memories...Sometimes, they are better left that way.

Hey O, if you are reading this, I'm glad you got out. Let's hit the Dubliner one of these days... I need my booze :D Plus, your shoutbox is NOT user-friendly.


~ nox noctis ~

WOW. I have to say, this place is looking more like me now.

SO, typical queer and somewhat somber quasi-philosophical thoughts have been on my mind lately. I like to think them out in my brain, because it is much quieter. Not that I do not like other people's opinion, it's just that sometimes, the way their opinions come out is not how I would want to take it.

FOR example, this issue of religion and politics being hand in hand. It has been, in the past, a powerful weapon used in building part of the world's history. That, and the issue of killing. Using religion as a reason to take another's life... The secular part of me says that it is debatable, and the spiritual part of me says that only God can take any life, because He gave it. In this area, it is non-negotiable for me. Nobody can take anybody's life away, not even yourself. It is the ultimate act of selfishness to take your own life. Utter spupidity as well. I do not sympathise or empathise with people who attempt suicide; to such people, I have nothing to say to them. If choosing to take your life was the easy way out, you would have succeeded.

I have been thinking about this other topic, death for quite a while. Not that I am suicidal or anything, it is just that it has become something that is no longer the "yeah right" sort; it has hit home much closer. I always wondered about my own reaction if someone really close to me pass on. I would probably be crying every waking moment and tears forming in my eyes, threatening to fall, every time I see or hear something that reminds me of the person. The last time this extremity happened was the end of a puppy love relationship. The latest was because of something I feel utter sadness about. Tears, to me, serve as a form of release and expression of emotions/ feelings that I cannot put into words.

HMM, must be something I ate today... I'm usually not so 'deep' at night, even when I am inspired.

~ nox noctis ~

So, it has been a while since I last wrote an entry. The traditionalist in me still prefer the good ole pen and paper, and I had a peaceful time writing down my thoughts which I had decided I wanted to keep as my very own... There are certain things in life that I would like to keep private, and thoughts like those are one of them.

It is funny how some things in life are so fragile and easily broken. A promise. A relationship. A friendship. It is very unfortunate that things in the past that were deemed so dear and vital are now viewed in such simplistic form.

Life, as they say, is full of changes. I like changes and do welcome them, albeit sometimes on my terms but things do not always work that way. As a person, I need a lot of work. I am going to embark on a journey to find a word to define me. Not how others would define me, but how I would define myself in the purest and unadulterated sense.

KL, here I come...!!!

~ nox noctis ~

This is it. I am going to learn how to manage my money, or what is left of it. I figured it is about damn time, and what with some of my peers doing the whole independent-women / not-depending-on-parents-for-financial-support works... I'm stressed, to say the least. Blast it, I am already 22 and this is not going the way I want it to go. Plus the recent Aussie trip did not help much on my conscience *gulp*

I will be re-acquainting myself with terms such as Budgeting, Financial Planning, Self-controlling, Fixed Savings, Bills (aka Fixed Expenses) and Due Dates, Allowable Expenses, Impulse Expenses... arrgghh~!!!!!!!!!! This is going to be difficult, but hell, I will get through this.

Okay, I'll start now.

~ nox noctis ~

SO I am back home... Nothing changed much; I mean, it is only 3 weeks. It is like I'm returning to a life of slavery again, after a time in paradise. This trip made me realize how much I need to get away from my motherland every once in a while, so as to re-align myself and see my direction more clearly.

MUM is looking good, and I am very happy. Though to a certain extent, I feel guilty. Whenever I look at her, I see my weakness and inability to do anything to make her feel better physically. True, I am no miracle worker, but there is someone who can work miracles and the human side of me simply is lazy. Therefore, if nothing happens, it is nobody's fault but mine alone. Perseverance is not my strong point, but I ought to work at it.

AS I enter the final semester of my tertiary life, the reality of finally becoming an adult for good looms near, and I am, to say the least, apprehensive. Mistakes are allowed in school, and I'm kind of used to making mistakes and being able to get away with it. I have friends who are just about to start their uni lives, but had some prior working experience, so in a way, they probably could apply and understand the theory used in textbooks better than I can. This job that I have at the bookstore did prepare for working life, but after all, it is only a part time job. There is still so much I feel I'm inadequate at with regards to people management.

THIS emotional baggage that I keep carrying around me even when I know it is not going to go anywhere, I'm giving it up now. It just struck me that it is about time, and remembering how the few outings we had went and the recent meeting up in Sydney, it is not going to go beyond what is now. Why am I even hanging on to something that is going to just remain status quo? Plus, I'm never going to take the next step. Which brings to mind another question, do I want him so much? Evidently, the answer is clear to me. I'm moving on. To where, I have no idea, but at least I am moving forward.

ALL right, mum dropped hints about the part time job I have. She mentioned about how late I always get home, and when I go out for supper, I do not call home and she and dad worries. Being passive people, we do not call each other until it is really unbearable. So she says, it is better if I find a 9 to 5 job upon graduation... It is not a bad idea. At least I am not being resistant towards it. Oh no, I AM a product of the system. I'm not putting much of a fight here.

OKAY, I shall go relive my Aussie trip. Ciao~

~ nox noctis ~

When homesick-ness sinks in, it completely makes you uninterested in what's to come.

Okay, I will call him. It's going to be awkward as usual, but hell. At least I get to meet up with someone who I still think of as a friend. Distant friends. What irony.

Saw Cirrus' blog. Too pink for my taste. You are a great personality, C, but pink... So unlike you.

O, kinda happy in a way that you might be my potential schoolmate. Screw the educational system.

This trip here...Wrong travel companions, or at least the one I am in close proximity with (i.e. we share a room). She's a shopper. I like her, really I do. She has her irritating moments, but who doesn't? It's bloody complicated. We click on different levels.

Aw man, I just want to go back home and do full shift. It's getting to me, homesick-ness.

Oh yes, booze here is really cheap, hahaha; whiskey/bacardi and coke, my favorite.

Went to this place called the Men's Gallery... You would have probably guessed what sort of entertainment it sells by the name.

~ nox noctis ~

COUNTRY: Australia
STATE: Sydney
LOCATION: some internet place owned by a Korean (i suspect)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I. Am. So. Bored.

Bored. Bored. Bored.

I'm supposed to be on a holiday officially after my overseas study program. Bored.

Sydney. Okay, maybe it is my first day here, thus leading to this growing sense of boredom of a country that is not my own. I miss Aidan.

The shops close at 5pm and boy, are they punctual. Around 4.55pm, they are already pulling down the shutters waiting for customers to leave. Arrggg.

By the way, I saw Books Kinokuniya in Sydney; took a picture but it was not that clear. My camera broke down on me and I have to 'depend' on my friend's digital camera to capture memories for the rest of the trip. Sometimes, I am unwillingly suckered by technology, damn it. The wonders of a digital camera is actually kinda cool.

So, things are happening back home (and work) and I am not there to witness it. It is like a gnawing feeling at the pit of my stomach; I feel that I need to know something, but I am not aware of it and thus this is making me slightly irritated. For one, Aidan is not feeling well :(

Some of the buildings here in Sydney are really cool. I know there is a better word to use to describe the buildings here, but it simply won't come to my mind. *O, you can help me with this* It's like the kind of buildings that one might see in Rome or Greece or any European countries, only that they are in Australia, which I felt was kind of a pirated version of those truly authentic ones. Auzzies..

The guy is here, just a few streets away from where I am staying (which is another subject I'm going to b*@ch about, damn it). I have not called him yet, though I know I should, as friends should. Well, some things are already confirmed so there is nothing for me to lose anyway.

I hope I'll feel more 'tourist-y' tomorrow. Maybe I'm jet-lagged. I am just coming up with possible reasons to explain my boredom in a foreign country. I spent ALOT on this trip, and there is no way I should be feeling like that. Or maybe, the result of spending over the limit is getting to me; I am weary of the shopping and fearful of the temptation, i.e. stuff, that will come. Well, God will be my financial consultant from now on.

All right... I shall go browse the blog of my favorite newsperson. Catch up with you guys again.

Almost forgot. The place that I am staying in Sydney, Hotel Ibis @ World ... it is terrible. I paid about SGD400 and all I got was a room that is about the same size as my room back home. ARGHH.

~ nox noctis ~

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I read O's blog. S/He is like CNN or CNBC with a dash of humor and wryness. Just my kind of news flash.

Seems like alot happened in the store during my absence. When I return, i hope there won't be some stunner similar to the last time when I was away *cringes* Some memories, eww. Who got promoted?

Actually, I miss home. I miss the Singlish or, as what my friend recently called it, Chin-glish (chinese and english;my gawd, he's brillant, hahah) speaking community. I actually miss the sun. It's bloody cold here. Every morning when I wake up, this is like my morning call: F*#k, it's cold. BBBRRRR!!! Remember, I do not swear as much as the next person.

Caught Big Brother and There's Something about Miriam. I still don't get the point of Big Brother, but I am guessing it is somewhat like Paradise Hotel (ah, Keith. Damn it.). As for Miriam, it's about a bunch of guys wooing this lady called Miriam. The stunner is she has boobs AND a dick. Cool huh? Those real dickheads. This is what i call reality TV. Disgusting but entertaining.

ALl right, my time at the internet is almost up. I miss broadband *sob*.

~ bloody cold here in Melbourne ~

COUNTRY: Australia
STATE: Melbourne
EXACT LOCATION: Kinkos *internet/printing place*

I don't even know where to start, but I will try to organize my thoughts. The time now is 6.03pm in Melboune; back home, it's 4.15pm. All the shops are packing up now. They are closing; some are already closed (damn it). To a Singaporean, this sucks big time. It's day 12 in Melbourne, and for those of you contemplating a holiay here, that is just about a nice duration here. More than 12 ays, you get bored. At least I am. Damn shops close so early...

I am technically here for an overseas study program, i.e. the powers that be in RMIT hopes that this trip will give us an experience of life in Australia. Well, the slow pace of life kinda got to me, because when me and 2 other jet-lagged hungry Singaporeans arrived, we were looking around for food and much to our despair and irritation, the shops were only beginning to open at around 12 in the afternoon. According to a friend's friend, that is normal on a bloody Sunday. By the way, they serve breakfast at 12. Go figure (damn it).

The shopping here is fine... then again, I am a tourist here and generally will not spend so much back home. It's like I carry hundreds of dollars to school everyday which is like not possible back home. In other words, I feel damn rich here, hah :D

Meals are like pizza, pasta, chinese food, Hungry Jacks (pirated version of BK), piza, pasta. Yeah, the tummy bulge is there already

If you guys think that I am not getting to the point, that means I am already fitting in. It IS that slow here... the lecturers talk so slowly that just by looking at them, you want to fall asleep.

Okay, the study program will end tomorrow and time, despite it being so slow here, actually flies. That is so ironic... I have to re-think about the possibility of that happening; how it actually happened.

Yes, yes...I am still shopping around. I'll probably bring back chocolates and nougat from Sydney. I might risk the bloody chilly cold and seriously consider climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge... hehe, are you envious, O? :D

Hmm...time for dinner (translates to a lunch over in Singapore). Having noodles. Till the next entry.

~ good bloody afternoon ~

Was looking around for a new blog skin... nothing took my breathe away, unfortunately. After all, I would prefer my own designs (if they can be called designs in the first place, heh) any time.

So, I figured out all my thoughts over the weekends; I do that better on my own. Talking it out disorientates me sometimes, and confuses the hell out of those who are listening too. Working in the retail line really stretches one's tenacity as a human being. Again I say, I love this job. It's the people that I meet on the job that tests me; the customers and fellow colleagues.

Different people, different working styles. Different customers, different attitudes. There are many ways to handle these situations. Between people, there are many ways of communicating. My strategy this time would be to look out for any sense of what i would call 'bad vibe' signals. In this aspect, I think I can pretty much figure it out. Walking away from something potentially 'juicy' yet damaging to the inner peace and tranquility of the already struggling me would be something I can be proud of. So what if I don't know about this or that person doing this or that, and because of that, someone else is unhappy and blah blah blah blah blah....... at the end of the day, when I go home, it's going to mean nothing to me.

Okay, on to a better note. Melbourne, here I come in three days. I would be heading to Down Under for this overseas study program required by school, and I'm still not prepared. Must be this last minute mentality at work again, damn it.

Great, that broke my momentum completely. Now I have to go write a list of what I really want to bring over. Ciao for now.

~ nox noctis ~

Sometimes, I cannot help but wonder how some people, even the people you love, can disappoint you in some way. I had figured that it might be due to the unrealistic expectation that I unconsciously set upon them, so when they fall short of it, I become disappointed. Thoughts like “I thought he/she knew better” surface, and as you ponder on it, it became clear that the parties involved have changed; it is only the direction as to how each individual change.

This job that I have...I love it, and still do even with obnoxious and self-important individuals that I meet regularly. I take them all in stride, and there are ways to handle them. Even when I realized that I have to suppress my true self and fit the mould (their mould), I know I will still like the job. I have absolutely nothing against this job, and even right now, I have no “suicidal” thoughts of quitting. What transpired only makes me want to tear off their self-righteous masks in time to come.

Maybe I am being very naïve when it comes to people management. It is not what I do or do not do that matters, it is how it is perceived by other that is vital. Pretentious as it may sound, it is unfortunately true. I did not want to devote any part of this blog to this issue, but I realized how I have once again learned from such an event: -

1. This is one reason why some people absolutely hate their jobs... or their superior.
2. I have to kiss some ass on the way up, even if it is a small step up.
3. I have to make sure people see me doing that.
4. When they do and form ‘impressions’ about me, I have to speak up or shut up.
5. When all else fails, say ‘sorry’ and look like you really mean it.
6. If your whole basis as a person does not crumble because of that façade play, you are a survivor and I salute you.

DISCLAIMER: If anyone who reads this entry feels that they are being judged and will take it personally, I say "My blog, my rules. My words, don't give a rat's ass how you take it."

~ nox noctis ~

So, life has been pretty peaceful lately. WIth no exams preparation to mull over, I sort of feel rather bummed. Such is human nature; when Fate puts you out of pain, you actually yearn for it because "there's nothing to do anyway".

Remembered having this conversation with O before, about how some people revel in pain and suffering, and would love to remain that way, brooding and wallowing. It is quite scary to me, because these people might actually never know happiness. It is going to be something so foreign to them, that they reject it. I don't even know why I'm talking about such people. They don't deserve any mention in my blog.

Which brings me to another thing my friend so casually mentioned but stuck in my head after that: How I continue to talk about certain people whom I dislike after certain incidents involving them. O will know, and I'm not going to talk about what, as it will totally defeat the purpose of not going into it. I guess for me, these people brought out in me extreme emotions and feelings which a rather peaceful person like me would never be able to experience on a daily basis. Such people are a lesson to be learnt, and I seriously wonder about the people who they hang out with. Are they flakes like them too? Birds of a feather flock together...so there is a basis to that phrase.

Sometimes, I wonder when I will get sick of the job. Currently, I am still loving it, and it is because I have a way to deal with the toxic people that i unwittingly come across. I have never tested the waters of subtle rudeness, which I will attempt.

Rusty Nail is THE drink for me. Uncomplicated and smooth. Hopefully, I can be a rusty nail some day.

~ nox noctis ~

First entry with a blog skin...not mine, but well. will do for now, since I'm too lazy to come out with my own, which i wil in the near future.

Thanks again to O...i will say it as many times as i want, cos it's my blog! I love it, and this is probbaly make me make more entries, hahaha..

~ nox noctis ~

The insecurities that I used to have about having a blog re-surfaced again. I realized that I have not told everybody that I know about my blog, and my casual mentions soon became enquires like, "oh, you have a blog? i'll go read it someday." that sort of made me go "errmm..hmm."

I'm not worried. Nothing vulgar or defamatory has been posted. It's just that more people will be reading and having their own thoughts about it, something I of course cannot control but yet cannot help but feel uneasy about. All right, I belive I am being paranoid. I am. Only the paranoid survive, though.

My exams are over and thus, I have all the time to prepare for my trip to Melbourne. I am excited about it, really. Despite the amount of (not my) money that will be blown, I'm looking forward to it. I'm being layman about this: money is meant to be spent. Spiritually speaking...I have not been a good steward of my money; something none Christians struggle with too.

O, Thank you very much for this skin... you didn't design it, but you helped enliven my blog. Many thanks.

Once again, my thoughts are running all over the place. I need to calm my brain down... must be the caffeine.Out.

~ nox noctis ~

Recently, when certain things happen, I thought of him. He who is in Sydney right now. I should be thinking of Him who is in Heaven... forgive me Father.

Sometimes, when you go through certain emotions, you want to talk to somebody. Usually, it would be with the people who know you well and know what words to say. For me, it was wanting someone to be there. No words are needed; just be there. Actually, even as I say this, the person is there already. I just want a real presence, and it sickens me to think how fleshly and vulnerable I allow myself to be. It's good, though, that no one is around to see me at my most dejected. The One who sees does not and will not say anything; being there is enough.

How much I am willing to show another person my weakness is a factor I need to consider when thinking those fleeting thoughts of wanting a relationship. I talked to O about changes, and how I seem to be going backwards when moving forward. Contradicting? Well, that is exactly how I feel. Perhaps I do need to face and overcome my weaknesses in order to move forward...now where did I hear that from?

That said... it's never easy. My thoughts will always, or as long as I allow it to be, with him in Sydney; wondering how he is living his life.

~ nox noctis ~

Two exams papers down and one final one to go, after which I will be happily busy with preparing for my melbourne trip... Can't wait :D

Ironically, I did actually learn something from school. Heh, guess I did but I never really knew how to apply additional mathematics in my daily life. I know simple addition and subtraction, but binomial theorem in daily life? Geometry? How?

What I've learnt was that I have greatly overestimate myself. Geez, you don't need school to tell you that, some people might say. Unfortunately, that is how I found out about myself: through my textbook. I realized that I have been a backstabber. I realized that I too have betrayed secrets told to me in confidentiality. I realized that despite saying how much I want to be a good person, I can't help but slip into the mold.

I'm greatly blessed, because up to now, I have not face any great trials and tribulations that actually alters the way I look at my life. In fact, I do look forward to uncertainty. "Problems are opportunites for change" This is the exact phrase I saw in my textbook when it was defining the term 'problem'. Human nature prevents us from accepting change. Humans are creatures of habits. We yearned to be free from whatever shackles that we are trapped in, but when we are given the freedom, we do not know how to use it... because we have been shackled for too long; we become comfortable in our misery.

Isn't that frightening? Comfort in misery. It is something that all of us cannot escape from, but we can choose to face it and decided whether or not to move on. Have I? Not that I know of, anyway.

All right, that's all I have for tonight. Whew....

~ nox noctis ~

Well well well... another week has passed and what have I achieved so far? *long pause* oh yea, maybe the availability of other options with regards to the thing i hold dear to my beating heart: my future.

that's it folks. my blog, my rules...hehe :D

~nox noctis~

Sometimes (maybe most of the time), I wonder why I am doing all these... whatever I am doing. The future is still unclear to me, but I do trust God in whatever that is going to happen to me in the future. Perhaps it is my mindset. I yearn for things that are so superficial and fleeting. I try to stop myself from being distracted by such thoughts, and to focus on the things that really matter. It’s difficult, because as I look around me, people are living their lives. For me, it seems like I’m going from one phase to another... and what is the next phase for me? As I rush through project after project, assignment after assignment, it became clear to me what I was doing: paper chasing. The bachelor degree that I’m going to earn is going to be one of the tools that this world will use to define my worth and capacity as a human being. It’s sad and inane, and I’m not going to be defined by this thing alone.

I don’t know if all these ramblings are a result of a medicine-induced mind (perhaps). It sickens me thoroughly when people do not act their age mentally. So what is the meaning of growing up then? You grow as you learn, and as you learn your mind changes. Being held back by things that do not matter is just another excuse for not moving forward. Human are self-destructive by nature; they do things knowing that it would not do them any good. But do they stop? No. By continuing, it gives them the will to lament and whine and self-pity themselves. These people, I say to them... move on. You’re getting on people’s nerves.

So, people’s lives are what they dictated it to be. Mine is dictated by the God I believe in. It takes a lot of patience, and I guess one way to know what will go on in my life is to become God, which is not my plan any time soon. He’s doing a pretty good job right now. The stage is set, and my role(s) is/are defined. The Director will tell me what to do next, and if I want to get an Oscar, I better listen to Him.

~ nox notics ~

Today was a fine day. I truly realized that (and a friend put into words these thoughts) when humans actually put aside their differences, the world can be a better place.

It dawned upon me that as I go through this particular tough part of the year, I wasn't really growing the way I wanted to. For starters, I did not know how to handle the nitty-gritty episode that happened at home. Being the way we are, we just kept all thoughts to ourselves and let things pass. Just the other day, I wanted to cry; nothing bad or sad happened. I felt that overwhelmed and what I really wanted was to spill my tears to release all of these frustrations and immobile negativity that was holding me back from moving forward.

In school, I became emotional and unprofessional. I let myself be influenced by events and how I rationalized it was that, I have reached a point that if I do not speak up what I truly feel, I'm going to be walked all over. This is the tough part. Before I felt that way, things were done. We were efficient; there were results. The thing is, all the results are achieved with a lot of underlying discontent and grudges. When I entered the mode of being picky and rebelling, nothing was done and all we talked about was how bad/ controlling/ silly/ bitchy that particular person was. Were things done? No. More grudges grew, and we reamined stagnant that way.

At work, that's another world again. It is as though I leave an overwhelming world temporarily and enter another lighthearted one. The danger is that, when you let your guard down in this world, it's not easy to go back as there are many people looking at you and being in the real working world, this is very important for survival.

Work is fine, though I harboured thoughts of leaving it for good a couple of weeks ago. It was attributed to the fact that I wasn't focused, and I let my thoughts run wild. Well, I've gotten over that kind of suicidal thoughts regarding this job. I love it. I actually enjoy working in the retail/ customer service line. I used to think that I hated people, or dislike them immensely, but this job taught me otherwise. It taught me something, and showed me many things regarding people. I deal with people every day, and I see many different kinds of people every day. I enjoy it very much, and it gives me a opportunity handle matters that I do not usually encounter, be it customers or among fellow colleagues.

On hindsight...if this had not happened, I won't be here to write down all of these. I'm very reflective today, cos of what happened at work that made me think if I am being hypocritical with regards to handling certain kind of people i do not like. Well, still learning... :D

~ nox notics ~

Well...I'm seriously considering dropping out of school. Technically, i'm planning to drop out...so am i really dropping out? Okay,it's more like i want to withdraw from this course. However, being singaporean, i still have one more semester to go before i earn (with blood and sweat and more blood) that piece of paper known as a DEGREE. So, do i proceed? Of course. I'm stuck in this matrix-like system...argh.

Nope, I will not drop out, because it says alot about my perseverance and determination. Not to mention my duty towards my parents, and the promise that i would obtain a degree for them. So it is true. I am doing this for them, but it is also for my own sake because i know i'll be covered when I get out there into the working world. My parents know that too. Therefore, despite all the grumbling, groaning, cursing, swearing, sweating, bleeding, stoning... I want to finish this damn program and get a move in my life after that!

Temporal rambling.

~nox notics~

in the still of the night... with gary barlow's "forever love" playing on the radio, this is another one of those lonely nights of many to come.

i'm still up, rushing my report that is due today 1st April. i'm not rushing though, because i'm so tired of the hustle bustle. the report will be out anyway, so there's nothing to worry about.

today is also the 1st death anniversary of a Hong Kong entertainment icon. his life is colorful, to say the least, and for him to disappear from the face of his earth is a very sobering thought.

i mentioned to a friend that i don't remember this icon's death until i see his pictures/ images or hear his songs. call it selective memory or whatever, his death hasn't totally sink in for me. maybe now, it has. after a year, i finally accept it.

when i told that friend about my selective memory of the icon's death, he replied , "easy to forget". that got me thinking about what he meant by that. easy to forget.... has life pass me by so fast that i no longer hold things dear to my heart, and they are merely nothing but remnants of the wind and easily forgotten? have i lost all sentimentality? has my heart hardened?

i get lyrical when it's too late. most of the people i know are all fast asleep, and i'm the only one up. the time now is 4.15am. i should get back to work.

~ nox notics ~

** how do i start? so many things have happened, and to use the term "rollercoaster" hardly seems apt. all right then, i shall do it this way... **


Ophelia commented that my last entry was 13th March... between that day and today,lots had happened. A phrase just came into my mind: what does one do when fate deals you a very,very negative hand?

As a Christian trying very hard to be staunch, I do not really see fate as something that I have a part in. It is not in your hands at all and for one to fight it, it's simply foolish.

A person really close to me is having some difficulties, and initially, i dealt with it in a very very bad way. i sort of gave up all drive towards everything; even excused my laziness because "there's simply too much for me to deal with right now." Now, the me says balls to that.

I'm not perfect, and thus whatever i do, i'll probably suffer whatever consequences that God sees fit for me. The thing is, I'll never regret it. There was a moment in life where I thought: "when I'm lying on my death bed, do I want to die with regrets?" The answer was, and still is, 'no'.

Some people might think that I'm being idealistic and am speaking too flippantly... like, 'die without regrets? come on...'. To that, i say, "why not?" My attitude towards life now is just do it, and learn some lessons after it.

Actually, my thoughts are right now very disorganized (as always)... but i can say that i am feeling much better than two weeks ago. This year started off the way I did not want it to be, but i should take comfort in the fact that I'm going to Melbourne & Sydney in May for 3 weeks. I see that as a break i long deserved, and I am still sore over the fact that I would miss the stocktaking session at the store. it's very difficult to say if i'll be able to stay for next year's.

Paper chasing...I need a break from that. Because when I think about it, I jumped into it (the bandwagon)because that was what i should do and i didn't want to lose out. Now that I'm in, i kinda regret (that's one so far..am keeping count) my attitude. But now that I'm in it anyway, I might as well make full use of it. Really, really tough, but it's something that needs to be done.

Time to start on my report due on April Fools' Day.... *groan*

~nox notics~

Today was gd, thanks to last night's Long Island Iced Tea and Bloody Mary (it's bloody horrid too, may i add). For the record, I still have no idea what a hangover is... I mean, what is that? :D

A few of us went down to a pub down at Orchard Road to celebrate a fellow colleague's 21st birthday. She was adamant about having drinks during her birthday party, and the rest of us didn't exactly violently object. There was a pool table and a nice atmosphere. The music played over the stereo was cool as well... nothing that made me go "what the hell?!"

Anyway, birthday girl had a Flaming Lambourghini AND Water Fall (the bartender actually looked concerned). Hahah, i'm sure she loves it, despite puking, cursing, swearing, puking again, and hating us all for her misery.

I like the pub... and I will be trying a Waterfall and/or Flaming Lambourghini :) If I sound like an alcoholic dying to get out, i'm not. So far, I enjoy cocktails more than beer. Beer is an acquired taste, and i would prefer a cocktail anytime. Plus, the names are really funky...that i have to admit.

I think drinks are more enjoyable with a couple of friends. I don't know how it will be like if i'm drinking by myself, but i don't think it will be as much fun as having a few friends around. it's the chatting, laughing, joking and feeling that's really fun and enjoyable.

My friend mentioned that i seem to loosen up after a drink. It made me aware of that fact, and i sort of went back into my shell again...not for long anyway. i guess when the alcohol takes effect, u can feel it and it's just coursing through your veins and warming your body all over. It is a nice feeling, and it does help one to relax... maybe i'm the sort who needs alcohol to loosen up. That sounds like details i shouldn't be sharing in the WWW.Well, like you'll ever see me :D Maybe i do need to loosen up.

Definitely looking forward to the next pub outing.

~ nox noctis ~

Finally, I got something done. Whew. For once in my pathetic academic sweating-over-projects-and-assignments life, I feel like a free rider (meaning that you ride on your fellow project-mates' contribution while you just sit on your behind doing absolutely nothing)... Strange how some people can go through this sort of good-for-nothing mode with ease. I definitely can't. Call me a people pleaser. I always struggle with that.

A very dear friend of mine was unduly upset by an ex-best friend. As she was ranting on and on, I tried to think of words to say to comfort her, but I realized that she is feeling the angry kind of hurt rather than the soft-blow kind of hurt, and the angry kind of hurt needs time to heal , a long time. I knew that no amount of words can comfort her, especially not now.

Ophelia, all I wish for you is that you heal your wound in time to come.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about my old friends. Old friends back in primary school, all the way through high school, then in polytechnic. As I think back about the times I had in high school, I realized that was the time where I really felt peace. As you grow in maturity, you allow yourself to be bothered by little annoyances, because you believe that they indicate your ability at this age or time to be able to handle such issues. Frankly... I can live without those.

I miss my old friends... We had spent time together. I always know that no matter how we have turned out, whether for the good or for the bad, that period of time is part of growing up and was a small ingredient in what we have become today. Preach-y, but true. Hey guys, you made me the queer person that I am today :D just kidding. It's time to make some re-connections.

Life is exciting, yet exhilarating; thrilling, yet tentative. It's going to be hell of a ride, so buckle up.

~ nox noctis ~

It's amazing how one environment can change your prespective in an instant. I went back to church, after a long hiatus. it wasn't a sabbatical thing...nothing religious at all. i just...stop going.

Then i went back... and everything made sense. Strange, isn't it? God does work in mysterious ways, and this is one of them.

The sermon today was about heroes. William Hung had a special mention, and some guys in the audience clapped and cheered. We were asked if we had any heroes that we look up to, and that got me thinking. All this time, who have i been modelling my life after? or is somebody modelling my life for me? is it the Right Somebody? i don't have a clue.

church makes me feel that way; it makes you think about the cold hard truth, because when u r outside, truth is often distorted, tuned, and twisted...until it's nothing like the truth.

can i handle the truth? i wish i can...and i think i can. It's not that hard, seriously, if you put your heart into it.

there is a phrase that goes... "you go away from a place to come back to it again." this is the phrase for me today in church. there's no escaping church for me :)

~ nox noctis ~

.........................

I should stop listening to melancholic love songs...especially the mandarin ones. amazing how much worse they can make you feel.

I should get out of the rut that i am in.

I should get out and do something on a Saturday night, instead of moping at home.

I should stop doing so many things, and start on others... but i just don't want to.

~nox noctis~

yep...can't believe that im back after the first (and what i would have thought, last) entry. people just seem to be attracted to funny things.

today is a day like any other, only that sometimes, the burden that's inside feels heavier each day. I'm talking about this person very very close and dear to me, and how she seem to be fading away everyday. everyday i see myself unable to do much...and that is really disheartening and i just feel helpless. the thing is, helplessness is the last thing i need now. i have to be strong for the people around me, and for her as well. most importantly for her.

like that song by rod stewart, i don't want to talk about it...but i do think about it. fear just paralyzes you so much that you do not know what to do, and to escape that phase of not knowing what to do, you just stare into space and your mind wanders again... that's been me for the past week or so.

~ until i feel better...nox noctis ~

so this is my first step in opening my so-called life to the rest of cyberspace.

its nerve-wrecking, yet calming because somewhere out there, someone might be feeling the exact same way i do and i'm not talking about the Outer Limits... that sounds cheesy, yuck. Never mind. It's my blog anyway, and it's my first entry.

so according to my esteemed colleague (whose name i shall not mention due to her fierce insistence on remaining annoymous), this is my space and mine alone and so i can let my thoughts run wild or flow smoothly as it see fit. Cool.

I've been in an anal mood for about 2 weeks, and being me, it usually wears off after a day or two. Sadly, it is not being its usual self and i don't like how it affects me overall. the cause of it is a person, whom i see mostly in school.

she's superficial, and when i say that, i actually see myself being called that... and i get a numbed shock. it's a kind of fact that you know, and you are not afraid of hearing it because you are numb towards it. You know you are it, yet you do nothign about it.

who am i to judge, again i rationalize? but isn't that what i am doing right now? judging...i can't help it, and being away from Him for so long is getting to me. I don't know how i'm going to get back on track.

by the way, this is a cut and paste from somewhere else. i'm going to slowly murder myself with this thing called HTML... sheesh.
~until the next entry...nox noctis~