WOW. I have to say, this place is looking more like me now.

SO, typical queer and somewhat somber quasi-philosophical thoughts have been on my mind lately. I like to think them out in my brain, because it is much quieter. Not that I do not like other people's opinion, it's just that sometimes, the way their opinions come out is not how I would want to take it.

FOR example, this issue of religion and politics being hand in hand. It has been, in the past, a powerful weapon used in building part of the world's history. That, and the issue of killing. Using religion as a reason to take another's life... The secular part of me says that it is debatable, and the spiritual part of me says that only God can take any life, because He gave it. In this area, it is non-negotiable for me. Nobody can take anybody's life away, not even yourself. It is the ultimate act of selfishness to take your own life. Utter spupidity as well. I do not sympathise or empathise with people who attempt suicide; to such people, I have nothing to say to them. If choosing to take your life was the easy way out, you would have succeeded.

I have been thinking about this other topic, death for quite a while. Not that I am suicidal or anything, it is just that it has become something that is no longer the "yeah right" sort; it has hit home much closer. I always wondered about my own reaction if someone really close to me pass on. I would probably be crying every waking moment and tears forming in my eyes, threatening to fall, every time I see or hear something that reminds me of the person. The last time this extremity happened was the end of a puppy love relationship. The latest was because of something I feel utter sadness about. Tears, to me, serve as a form of release and expression of emotions/ feelings that I cannot put into words.

HMM, must be something I ate today... I'm usually not so 'deep' at night, even when I am inspired.

~ nox noctis ~

So, it has been a while since I last wrote an entry. The traditionalist in me still prefer the good ole pen and paper, and I had a peaceful time writing down my thoughts which I had decided I wanted to keep as my very own... There are certain things in life that I would like to keep private, and thoughts like those are one of them.

It is funny how some things in life are so fragile and easily broken. A promise. A relationship. A friendship. It is very unfortunate that things in the past that were deemed so dear and vital are now viewed in such simplistic form.

Life, as they say, is full of changes. I like changes and do welcome them, albeit sometimes on my terms but things do not always work that way. As a person, I need a lot of work. I am going to embark on a journey to find a word to define me. Not how others would define me, but how I would define myself in the purest and unadulterated sense.

KL, here I come...!!!

~ nox noctis ~

This is it. I am going to learn how to manage my money, or what is left of it. I figured it is about damn time, and what with some of my peers doing the whole independent-women / not-depending-on-parents-for-financial-support works... I'm stressed, to say the least. Blast it, I am already 22 and this is not going the way I want it to go. Plus the recent Aussie trip did not help much on my conscience *gulp*

I will be re-acquainting myself with terms such as Budgeting, Financial Planning, Self-controlling, Fixed Savings, Bills (aka Fixed Expenses) and Due Dates, Allowable Expenses, Impulse Expenses... arrgghh~!!!!!!!!!! This is going to be difficult, but hell, I will get through this.

Okay, I'll start now.

~ nox noctis ~

SO I am back home... Nothing changed much; I mean, it is only 3 weeks. It is like I'm returning to a life of slavery again, after a time in paradise. This trip made me realize how much I need to get away from my motherland every once in a while, so as to re-align myself and see my direction more clearly.

MUM is looking good, and I am very happy. Though to a certain extent, I feel guilty. Whenever I look at her, I see my weakness and inability to do anything to make her feel better physically. True, I am no miracle worker, but there is someone who can work miracles and the human side of me simply is lazy. Therefore, if nothing happens, it is nobody's fault but mine alone. Perseverance is not my strong point, but I ought to work at it.

AS I enter the final semester of my tertiary life, the reality of finally becoming an adult for good looms near, and I am, to say the least, apprehensive. Mistakes are allowed in school, and I'm kind of used to making mistakes and being able to get away with it. I have friends who are just about to start their uni lives, but had some prior working experience, so in a way, they probably could apply and understand the theory used in textbooks better than I can. This job that I have at the bookstore did prepare for working life, but after all, it is only a part time job. There is still so much I feel I'm inadequate at with regards to people management.

THIS emotional baggage that I keep carrying around me even when I know it is not going to go anywhere, I'm giving it up now. It just struck me that it is about time, and remembering how the few outings we had went and the recent meeting up in Sydney, it is not going to go beyond what is now. Why am I even hanging on to something that is going to just remain status quo? Plus, I'm never going to take the next step. Which brings to mind another question, do I want him so much? Evidently, the answer is clear to me. I'm moving on. To where, I have no idea, but at least I am moving forward.

ALL right, mum dropped hints about the part time job I have. She mentioned about how late I always get home, and when I go out for supper, I do not call home and she and dad worries. Being passive people, we do not call each other until it is really unbearable. So she says, it is better if I find a 9 to 5 job upon graduation... It is not a bad idea. At least I am not being resistant towards it. Oh no, I AM a product of the system. I'm not putting much of a fight here.

OKAY, I shall go relive my Aussie trip. Ciao~

~ nox noctis ~

When homesick-ness sinks in, it completely makes you uninterested in what's to come.

Okay, I will call him. It's going to be awkward as usual, but hell. At least I get to meet up with someone who I still think of as a friend. Distant friends. What irony.

Saw Cirrus' blog. Too pink for my taste. You are a great personality, C, but pink... So unlike you.

O, kinda happy in a way that you might be my potential schoolmate. Screw the educational system.

This trip here...Wrong travel companions, or at least the one I am in close proximity with (i.e. we share a room). She's a shopper. I like her, really I do. She has her irritating moments, but who doesn't? It's bloody complicated. We click on different levels.

Aw man, I just want to go back home and do full shift. It's getting to me, homesick-ness.

Oh yes, booze here is really cheap, hahaha; whiskey/bacardi and coke, my favorite.

Went to this place called the Men's Gallery... You would have probably guessed what sort of entertainment it sells by the name.

~ nox noctis ~

COUNTRY: Australia
STATE: Sydney
LOCATION: some internet place owned by a Korean (i suspect)

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I. Am. So. Bored.

Bored. Bored. Bored.

I'm supposed to be on a holiday officially after my overseas study program. Bored.

Sydney. Okay, maybe it is my first day here, thus leading to this growing sense of boredom of a country that is not my own. I miss Aidan.

The shops close at 5pm and boy, are they punctual. Around 4.55pm, they are already pulling down the shutters waiting for customers to leave. Arrggg.

By the way, I saw Books Kinokuniya in Sydney; took a picture but it was not that clear. My camera broke down on me and I have to 'depend' on my friend's digital camera to capture memories for the rest of the trip. Sometimes, I am unwillingly suckered by technology, damn it. The wonders of a digital camera is actually kinda cool.

So, things are happening back home (and work) and I am not there to witness it. It is like a gnawing feeling at the pit of my stomach; I feel that I need to know something, but I am not aware of it and thus this is making me slightly irritated. For one, Aidan is not feeling well :(

Some of the buildings here in Sydney are really cool. I know there is a better word to use to describe the buildings here, but it simply won't come to my mind. *O, you can help me with this* It's like the kind of buildings that one might see in Rome or Greece or any European countries, only that they are in Australia, which I felt was kind of a pirated version of those truly authentic ones. Auzzies..

The guy is here, just a few streets away from where I am staying (which is another subject I'm going to b*@ch about, damn it). I have not called him yet, though I know I should, as friends should. Well, some things are already confirmed so there is nothing for me to lose anyway.

I hope I'll feel more 'tourist-y' tomorrow. Maybe I'm jet-lagged. I am just coming up with possible reasons to explain my boredom in a foreign country. I spent ALOT on this trip, and there is no way I should be feeling like that. Or maybe, the result of spending over the limit is getting to me; I am weary of the shopping and fearful of the temptation, i.e. stuff, that will come. Well, God will be my financial consultant from now on.

All right... I shall go browse the blog of my favorite newsperson. Catch up with you guys again.

Almost forgot. The place that I am staying in Sydney, Hotel Ibis @ World ... it is terrible. I paid about SGD400 and all I got was a room that is about the same size as my room back home. ARGHH.

~ nox noctis ~

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I read O's blog. S/He is like CNN or CNBC with a dash of humor and wryness. Just my kind of news flash.

Seems like alot happened in the store during my absence. When I return, i hope there won't be some stunner similar to the last time when I was away *cringes* Some memories, eww. Who got promoted?

Actually, I miss home. I miss the Singlish or, as what my friend recently called it, Chin-glish (chinese and english;my gawd, he's brillant, hahah) speaking community. I actually miss the sun. It's bloody cold here. Every morning when I wake up, this is like my morning call: F*#k, it's cold. BBBRRRR!!! Remember, I do not swear as much as the next person.

Caught Big Brother and There's Something about Miriam. I still don't get the point of Big Brother, but I am guessing it is somewhat like Paradise Hotel (ah, Keith. Damn it.). As for Miriam, it's about a bunch of guys wooing this lady called Miriam. The stunner is she has boobs AND a dick. Cool huh? Those real dickheads. This is what i call reality TV. Disgusting but entertaining.

ALl right, my time at the internet is almost up. I miss broadband *sob*.

~ bloody cold here in Melbourne ~

COUNTRY: Australia
STATE: Melbourne
EXACT LOCATION: Kinkos *internet/printing place*

I don't even know where to start, but I will try to organize my thoughts. The time now is 6.03pm in Melboune; back home, it's 4.15pm. All the shops are packing up now. They are closing; some are already closed (damn it). To a Singaporean, this sucks big time. It's day 12 in Melbourne, and for those of you contemplating a holiay here, that is just about a nice duration here. More than 12 ays, you get bored. At least I am. Damn shops close so early...

I am technically here for an overseas study program, i.e. the powers that be in RMIT hopes that this trip will give us an experience of life in Australia. Well, the slow pace of life kinda got to me, because when me and 2 other jet-lagged hungry Singaporeans arrived, we were looking around for food and much to our despair and irritation, the shops were only beginning to open at around 12 in the afternoon. According to a friend's friend, that is normal on a bloody Sunday. By the way, they serve breakfast at 12. Go figure (damn it).

The shopping here is fine... then again, I am a tourist here and generally will not spend so much back home. It's like I carry hundreds of dollars to school everyday which is like not possible back home. In other words, I feel damn rich here, hah :D

Meals are like pizza, pasta, chinese food, Hungry Jacks (pirated version of BK), piza, pasta. Yeah, the tummy bulge is there already

If you guys think that I am not getting to the point, that means I am already fitting in. It IS that slow here... the lecturers talk so slowly that just by looking at them, you want to fall asleep.

Okay, the study program will end tomorrow and time, despite it being so slow here, actually flies. That is so ironic... I have to re-think about the possibility of that happening; how it actually happened.

Yes, yes...I am still shopping around. I'll probably bring back chocolates and nougat from Sydney. I might risk the bloody chilly cold and seriously consider climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge... hehe, are you envious, O? :D

Hmm...time for dinner (translates to a lunch over in Singapore). Having noodles. Till the next entry.

~ good bloody afternoon ~