** how do i start? so many things have happened, and to use the term "rollercoaster" hardly seems apt. all right then, i shall do it this way... **


Ophelia commented that my last entry was 13th March... between that day and today,lots had happened. A phrase just came into my mind: what does one do when fate deals you a very,very negative hand?

As a Christian trying very hard to be staunch, I do not really see fate as something that I have a part in. It is not in your hands at all and for one to fight it, it's simply foolish.

A person really close to me is having some difficulties, and initially, i dealt with it in a very very bad way. i sort of gave up all drive towards everything; even excused my laziness because "there's simply too much for me to deal with right now." Now, the me says balls to that.

I'm not perfect, and thus whatever i do, i'll probably suffer whatever consequences that God sees fit for me. The thing is, I'll never regret it. There was a moment in life where I thought: "when I'm lying on my death bed, do I want to die with regrets?" The answer was, and still is, 'no'.

Some people might think that I'm being idealistic and am speaking too flippantly... like, 'die without regrets? come on...'. To that, i say, "why not?" My attitude towards life now is just do it, and learn some lessons after it.

Actually, my thoughts are right now very disorganized (as always)... but i can say that i am feeling much better than two weeks ago. This year started off the way I did not want it to be, but i should take comfort in the fact that I'm going to Melbourne & Sydney in May for 3 weeks. I see that as a break i long deserved, and I am still sore over the fact that I would miss the stocktaking session at the store. it's very difficult to say if i'll be able to stay for next year's.

Paper chasing...I need a break from that. Because when I think about it, I jumped into it (the bandwagon)because that was what i should do and i didn't want to lose out. Now that I'm in, i kinda regret (that's one so far..am keeping count) my attitude. But now that I'm in it anyway, I might as well make full use of it. Really, really tough, but it's something that needs to be done.

Time to start on my report due on April Fools' Day.... *groan*

~nox notics~

Today was gd, thanks to last night's Long Island Iced Tea and Bloody Mary (it's bloody horrid too, may i add). For the record, I still have no idea what a hangover is... I mean, what is that? :D

A few of us went down to a pub down at Orchard Road to celebrate a fellow colleague's 21st birthday. She was adamant about having drinks during her birthday party, and the rest of us didn't exactly violently object. There was a pool table and a nice atmosphere. The music played over the stereo was cool as well... nothing that made me go "what the hell?!"

Anyway, birthday girl had a Flaming Lambourghini AND Water Fall (the bartender actually looked concerned). Hahah, i'm sure she loves it, despite puking, cursing, swearing, puking again, and hating us all for her misery.

I like the pub... and I will be trying a Waterfall and/or Flaming Lambourghini :) If I sound like an alcoholic dying to get out, i'm not. So far, I enjoy cocktails more than beer. Beer is an acquired taste, and i would prefer a cocktail anytime. Plus, the names are really funky...that i have to admit.

I think drinks are more enjoyable with a couple of friends. I don't know how it will be like if i'm drinking by myself, but i don't think it will be as much fun as having a few friends around. it's the chatting, laughing, joking and feeling that's really fun and enjoyable.

My friend mentioned that i seem to loosen up after a drink. It made me aware of that fact, and i sort of went back into my shell again...not for long anyway. i guess when the alcohol takes effect, u can feel it and it's just coursing through your veins and warming your body all over. It is a nice feeling, and it does help one to relax... maybe i'm the sort who needs alcohol to loosen up. That sounds like details i shouldn't be sharing in the WWW.Well, like you'll ever see me :D Maybe i do need to loosen up.

Definitely looking forward to the next pub outing.

~ nox noctis ~

Finally, I got something done. Whew. For once in my pathetic academic sweating-over-projects-and-assignments life, I feel like a free rider (meaning that you ride on your fellow project-mates' contribution while you just sit on your behind doing absolutely nothing)... Strange how some people can go through this sort of good-for-nothing mode with ease. I definitely can't. Call me a people pleaser. I always struggle with that.

A very dear friend of mine was unduly upset by an ex-best friend. As she was ranting on and on, I tried to think of words to say to comfort her, but I realized that she is feeling the angry kind of hurt rather than the soft-blow kind of hurt, and the angry kind of hurt needs time to heal , a long time. I knew that no amount of words can comfort her, especially not now.

Ophelia, all I wish for you is that you heal your wound in time to come.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about my old friends. Old friends back in primary school, all the way through high school, then in polytechnic. As I think back about the times I had in high school, I realized that was the time where I really felt peace. As you grow in maturity, you allow yourself to be bothered by little annoyances, because you believe that they indicate your ability at this age or time to be able to handle such issues. Frankly... I can live without those.

I miss my old friends... We had spent time together. I always know that no matter how we have turned out, whether for the good or for the bad, that period of time is part of growing up and was a small ingredient in what we have become today. Preach-y, but true. Hey guys, you made me the queer person that I am today :D just kidding. It's time to make some re-connections.

Life is exciting, yet exhilarating; thrilling, yet tentative. It's going to be hell of a ride, so buckle up.

~ nox noctis ~

It's amazing how one environment can change your prespective in an instant. I went back to church, after a long hiatus. it wasn't a sabbatical thing...nothing religious at all. i just...stop going.

Then i went back... and everything made sense. Strange, isn't it? God does work in mysterious ways, and this is one of them.

The sermon today was about heroes. William Hung had a special mention, and some guys in the audience clapped and cheered. We were asked if we had any heroes that we look up to, and that got me thinking. All this time, who have i been modelling my life after? or is somebody modelling my life for me? is it the Right Somebody? i don't have a clue.

church makes me feel that way; it makes you think about the cold hard truth, because when u r outside, truth is often distorted, tuned, and twisted...until it's nothing like the truth.

can i handle the truth? i wish i can...and i think i can. It's not that hard, seriously, if you put your heart into it.

there is a phrase that goes... "you go away from a place to come back to it again." this is the phrase for me today in church. there's no escaping church for me :)

~ nox noctis ~

.........................

I should stop listening to melancholic love songs...especially the mandarin ones. amazing how much worse they can make you feel.

I should get out of the rut that i am in.

I should get out and do something on a Saturday night, instead of moping at home.

I should stop doing so many things, and start on others... but i just don't want to.

~nox noctis~

yep...can't believe that im back after the first (and what i would have thought, last) entry. people just seem to be attracted to funny things.

today is a day like any other, only that sometimes, the burden that's inside feels heavier each day. I'm talking about this person very very close and dear to me, and how she seem to be fading away everyday. everyday i see myself unable to do much...and that is really disheartening and i just feel helpless. the thing is, helplessness is the last thing i need now. i have to be strong for the people around me, and for her as well. most importantly for her.

like that song by rod stewart, i don't want to talk about it...but i do think about it. fear just paralyzes you so much that you do not know what to do, and to escape that phase of not knowing what to do, you just stare into space and your mind wanders again... that's been me for the past week or so.

~ until i feel better...nox noctis ~

so this is my first step in opening my so-called life to the rest of cyberspace.

its nerve-wrecking, yet calming because somewhere out there, someone might be feeling the exact same way i do and i'm not talking about the Outer Limits... that sounds cheesy, yuck. Never mind. It's my blog anyway, and it's my first entry.

so according to my esteemed colleague (whose name i shall not mention due to her fierce insistence on remaining annoymous), this is my space and mine alone and so i can let my thoughts run wild or flow smoothly as it see fit. Cool.

I've been in an anal mood for about 2 weeks, and being me, it usually wears off after a day or two. Sadly, it is not being its usual self and i don't like how it affects me overall. the cause of it is a person, whom i see mostly in school.

she's superficial, and when i say that, i actually see myself being called that... and i get a numbed shock. it's a kind of fact that you know, and you are not afraid of hearing it because you are numb towards it. You know you are it, yet you do nothign about it.

who am i to judge, again i rationalize? but isn't that what i am doing right now? judging...i can't help it, and being away from Him for so long is getting to me. I don't know how i'm going to get back on track.

by the way, this is a cut and paste from somewhere else. i'm going to slowly murder myself with this thing called HTML... sheesh.
~until the next entry...nox noctis~