Retrospectra

2008-09-25T13:43:00.002+08:00

I have decided. This blog is moving. I will close it down, together with all previous entries. It is never a better time to Move On.

There are many of you out there who closely follow this blog (HAH), and although I will miss this blog name, blogging for me has a whole new meaning. The information to be conveyed is vast and time is short.

I will post my new blog address very soon.
Till then, au revoir~!

2008-08-11T16:20:00.003+08:00

Here they are... cute as a button (*gag*). Names? Scampi & Joe. Scampi (red collar) is the one on the floor, and Joe (grey collar ) on the chair looking at the photog.

Anyway, why are buttons cute? Their purpose is more practical, isn't it? Not for aesthetics, but to hold together garments because we need to protect our modesty. So whoever invented that phrase, had too much to drink huh?

Anyway, I want to blog. Yes, blog blog blog. Blog frenzy. Wanted to change a platform instead of continuing with the current one, but unlike my illustrious blog-mates who Always seem to be changing blog addresses (E & C) I don't know where to start. Ah, dang it.

Right, blog. Okay... Work? It's okay, more than okay really. Officially out of the funk and will be expecting funk-free days to come. Focus really is the key, you know? Sometimes, you don't see it but there it is. I shall remain cryptic on this. Go figure.

Oh yes, Henry Cavill. Go Google him, you ignoramus. Very. Very. Sexy. I could go on and gush, but I don't do gush so there. He's so hot, it hurts. Will I go on the record and say he's hotter than JRM? I refuse to comment. They are different. It's like asking me which do I prefer, eating or sleeping? They are different.

Twilight. I have started on it and just wondering if I should continue. Firstly, the first-person writing kind of put me off and secondly, it is age. I'm way waay past the adolescent BGR phase (I better be, geez) and having been lovingly chided by E about my reading choices of late, I shall not go down that road again. Sweet Valley High, SVU, Christopher Pike, R L Stein. They shall stay in my youth, full of folly and bad choices. Gossip Girl. The show is better (I can't help it, E!!) It really is. The books are just *ugh*

YET, it is my job. I need to know how bad or good, it is. Plus, the premise of a teenage human in love with a teenage vampire... well, it's my fault for reading Anne Rice too early and she cemented my view of how vampires live and be. Besides, Anne Rice never wrote about teen vampires so the comparison does not exist. Unless Steph Meyer is really that great (which I doubt), I'm going to be taking a loooong time finish it. Maybe when the movie comes out, I'm still not done with the book but gotta get it out of the way.

2008-07-02T23:40:00.004+08:00

Yes, when the mood hits... blog away.

Very glad to announce that yours truly have passed the gruelling phase where other people's opinion matter so much to me that I lose myself and measure my worth by their 'standard'. Now, sure I'll listen and thank you for taking time to let me know your view. I'll file it for future reference. It's not being rude, just that I'm over it. Period. If I'm certain of the effort & extra care put in yet mistakes still happen, tough sh*t. Yet it always seem to come to this juncture, where redeeming myself seems futile... then again, I have to move on.

A new environment does things to you. Makes you treasure true relationships more, rather than waste time cultivating hollow ones. That's how I see it for now. Perhaps it's age catching up or the Aquarius in me that is still resisting change.

Am I happy? Unfortunately, no. Life has finally struck me a significant blow, and more is to be expected. This period for me is the pits. It's true, for the first time in the longest time. I thought the worst had already happened, but maybe that wasn't the bottom. The unhappiness is not caused by work or any person... yet it could be both and it's been suppressed too long.

I used to be cynical and harsh on other people, yet lenient and frivolous towards myself. Time to pay the price.

2008-06-29T14:36:00.002+08:00

Wow...the last time I blogged was in Jan and it was on Heath Ledger.

So, new job. New environment. New people. New attitude? No way.

Now I know fully the reluctance of most people on switching jobs. The transition take a while, and depending on your personality, it can be within a month or months. Personally, the dust has not settled yet except for one thing: I will not stay to leave and until I have a breakthrough.

What do you mean, you ask? In this time and age, leaving a job is no big deal. I mean, it's so common employers mentally stick a expiry date on potential employees (and as milk cartons go, it's 3 months or 6, max...who likes sour milk?). Has the time of creating impact, proving one's worth, recognition for achievements pass? Do employees feel those need strongly? Or are they so burdened by the daily grind that every day is just another day at work? What about self-fulfilment?

At some point, we all battle with that question inside: 'What do I want from this job? I left the other to see what I can be capable of, but... what?' It's very clear: Attitude change. I need to challenge myself. I have to go beyond the usual, or every day is just another day and I'll wonder what have I done today that I can be proud of. Currently, nothing.

My manager spoke to me and what she asked really hit home: "Does this excite you anymore?"

I chose this industry, meaning I like it and wish to go further in it... but I have to work at it. It's not just about going to work, getting the pay check. It has to be more, and people can other their help but ultimately I have to get out of the comfort zone. Have to o else the breakthrough is not going to happen.

2008-01-28T22:29:00.000+08:00

in loving memory

Heathcliff Andrew Ledger
April 4 1979 - Jan 22 2008
Age 28

It was such a shock, to say the least, upon hearing the death of Heath Ledger. The last that I knew of him was his spilt with Michelle Williams and their co-parenting of their little daughter Mathilda, just like the rest of the tabloid addicts (ashamedly, I am one of them).

It still feels kind of surreal. I don’t know the guy, but being a person who is in the spotlight often, it just seems like everybody knows him… or think they know him.

The speculation was that he OD-ed on his prescription drugs. Was it intentional? Did he want to kill himself? All the circumstances that lead to his death did not suggest so; his massage therapist was arriving for their session, so that suggests he was going about in his daily routine. I’m no psychologist, but I have read somewhere that suicidal people often go about their routine like normal and are chillingly calm. That thought is a possibility.

Then again, he is part of young Hollywood and drugs are the norm. Somehow, I don’t think he did drugs. Recreationally, yes but not hard-core in the Pete Doherty fashion, because PD does not have a daughter and he’s simply f**ked up (ditto KM). HL is not that at all.

I first noticed him in Ten Things I Hate about You, with Julia Stiles. He was the typical rebel, the really cool and nonchalant sort that all the girls loved and admired from afar. He sang Can’t Take My Eyes off Of You atop the bleaches to Julia’s character, and I’m pretty sure at that scene, all the girls wanted their boyfriends to do the same. He was uninhibited and carefree, and he was having fun with that character. That makes it so memorable. In the perfect world, he’s the kind of guy I’d love.

He has many things people want, but the flutter of the eyelids, the faint gasp of the final breath and when the eventual darkness descends, all the things that we envied him for... means nothing.

It’s such a pity, and though his world is nothing like mine, he's still a person, a father, a lover, a friend, a son, and a brother to someone else out there and the loss is greatly felt. It is heartbreaking to read his sister’s letter to him. I send my sincere and deepest condolences to Heath’s family and he will be remembered from the many fans from this side of the Atlantic.

J.

2007-11-28T18:42:00.000+08:00

The Water Sign

Usually, whatever horoscope reading I read about…I take it with a pinch of salt. I used to read them rather frequently years back, then I was told by a senior during poly that the by reading about our horoscope, it clashes with the religion that we believe in. Because I really respect her, so I stopped. There were times I completely avoided or even going near any pages in the papers or magazines that had daily/yearly horoscope reading. Well, considering the recent hiatus that I’ve imposed on myself with regards to my faith/religion (until enough is enough), I’ve started reading them again; not daily, but when I happen to think of it and am interested in what the stars and their arrangement have in store for me.

Just a while ago, I went to this website [ http://www.eastrolog.com/free-daily-horoscopes/aquarius-horoscope-today.php ] and I clicked on the daily horoscope reading for Aquarius today, and this is what came up:

Aquarius Horoscope for Today

November 28, 2007

You have been making efforts for finding new sources of income, and now you are feeling worn out. Be patient and avoid pushing things! A close friend will soon offer you a part-time job.

Speculations are to be avoided these days.

I tried to copy and paste the paragraph but somehow it can’t be done. However, if you do not believe me, you can copy and paste the link and see for yourself.

People who know me know that I’m looking for a new job now, having quit just a month ago. So just imagine the sheer coincidence of it all when I read that. I have heard of some people pooh-poohed the idea of believing readings like this, saying that they are very generalized and not personalized. Heck, this is personalized enough for me!

This is like a trap and I can think, ‘wow, it’s so true!’ and then start believing and connecting every situation and incident that occurs to that reading. OR I can, like the usual and wise method, take it with an extra pinch of salt and just file it away for future reference. I’m not a expert in horoscopes so I won’t comment on the accuracy, but sometimes, things happen in ways so interesting, you simply can’t help but think, ‘hey…what’s going on?’ Just don’t get too caught up and allow your own judgment and opinion to be blinded by what you’ve read. Don’t let it dictate you or how you do things, that’s what I’m saying.

Having a lot of time on my hands now, I am playing with the idea of having my fortune read. I am curious about my destiny, and let’s face it, most people are. But I don’t know if I’m able to handle what would be told to me. After all, it could go both ways. My cousin had her fortune told to her, and I seriously do not know how she was affected other than being embarrassed. What my aunt said was, take it as a precaution reading. Whatever that’s told to you, just be open and be take extra careful and watchful if something negative is told and also be humble and patient when good things are so-called predicted. I’m very curious still, but YET not too convinced to want to go through it.

Anyway, I just read my horoscope reading for tomorrow and I’m just smiling because it will be so gullible of me to believe (but it’s not as accurate as today’s reading)

Aquarius Horoscope for Tomorrow

November 29, 2007

Your friends and loved one will appreciate your drive for change and renewal.

In order to achieve your goals, you need to prioritize and be as time-efficient as possible! You can be very successful in everything you do today.

Your financial situation may not be very good, but you will manage to make ends meet.

Ah well ...

DISCLAIMER: The purpose of this entry is to relate how the author got around to reading daily horoscopes again. It does not, in any way, encourage or persuade readers to FOLLOW do what the author is doing. However, if the reader wants to (read daily horoscope), it is a free world and how the reader interprets the reading is entirely up to the individual.

2007-09-03T16:41:00.000+08:00

Seems like I'll be having lots of time on my hands to blog... which could go both ways, you know: deciding between posting about fun but mindless redundant information like how i dropped the toothpaste into the toilet bowl this morning and had to use it anyway, or serious but introspective views on life like how this phase in my life called the quarter-life is broadening my horizon in ways I do not know. Choices, choices.

Just had a food session with the posse two days ago. It never fails to remind me that no matter what and how we are as persons (our so-called failings, fears, inadequacies, bad temper etc), we are after all human beings. Individually, we are pursuing different wants and needs, yet there is this bond that holds us together. With them, you are not yourself when at work or even at home... your defences and inhibitions are down, you are not afraid to show your silly side, it's not just about you anymore, everything and everyone is light-hearted. I'm just really thankful and appreciative of this group of people who showed up in my life and stayed til now.

So, shall keep this short. Those who know me, know that I can't blog on such topics for pages and ages, ha.

2007-08-26T15:10:00.000+08:00

The last post didn't make sense. It's like hearing my thoughts out loud; what is my point, exactly? Perhaps it was just another of my futile attempt to convince myself otherwise with regards to this thing called 'work'.

So, I'm finally moving on. In fact, the decision wasn't so hard to make. Something just cemented it; could be that the so-called determination to go that had been eluding me for so long, has finally found me, or simply because enough is enough. Ultimately, it's both.

I asked myself several times, is this an impulse? Cos I am one who succumbs to impulse (be it buying or temperament-wise). Because if it truly had been on impulse, there should be the repercussions of regret, but there wasn't. There was one point where there was this pang of something (regret? I don't know.), because as future plans were being discussed... suddenly, I am not involved anymore. So that sobering realization that I no longer belong set in, and that's when I had this jolt of realism. This is real, and that jolt unsettled me. Because I've been here for a while, and it is no longer going to be comfortable. I ronically, I looked forward to it.

In retrospect, it is pretty liberating after I gave the letter. I don't know how the world out there is going to treat me; probably beat me up left right and center, but so what? I'll just pick myself up again and move on.

2007-08-03T15:47:00.000+08:00

Wow, the last time I did any decent blogging was months ago (the pics do not count). Geez. Time to make up for it.

This year so far, has been rather interesting. Events that happened at work actually placed me at another whole new level; for me, it's invigorating and surprising. The details are not important, but the experience is like a push toward something fresh and new, and I am looking forward to it, whatever it may be.

Sometimes, there will be people around you saying or handling things a certain way and it began to grow on you, and that inevitably becomes how you work as well. Habits, structure and tradition set the institution, no matter where you are. It's how that company of people function as a team and when the method works, it becomes the rule of thumb. Recently, I've gotten interested in the concept of work, and the itty-nitty sub-categories of it.

The main category obviously is practicality and survival. Money is the currency of the world, and to live in the world, you gotta have the currency. SO, working (being paid for your service and expertise) provides you the currency. That's the basic need of living, the minimal. What people are so caught up with in the age is the pursue of financial fitness. Everybody wants to be a 'bodybuilder'; super fit, all muscle groups in tip-top condition. So that becomes their goal, and work will then hold a different meaning for them. Earn more money, more more more.

But, what if your goal of work is to be expose to as many different industry as possible? It will be different. You want experience, that's your goal. Of course, you will need to decide on your various criteria. In that way, perhaps money is not priority. The main thing is, earning power give you options. Higher earning power wil therefore give you more options. Say, LV or bonia? You decide.

My reason of putting this down is for me to see work clearly, maybe as an outsider. For a long time, I've been in it and was not able to see it as I should. So, there you go. Part 1.

2007-02-10T01:49:00.000+08:00

*the alignment is weird...Anyway, that's them my baby boys :) *

Lately, I have this gnawing fear that grows incessantly every moment when I'm in the store. It has reached a point that I have to constantly prep myself to prevent the inevitable from happening. Suddenly inspired, I shall relate this in a rhyme:

What exactly is your fear, my dear?
Well, its the day where in the store I finally and irrevocably tear.

What dire straits I'm in, to customers' face unable to sneer
and bestow to them a solid kick in the rear.

I have been sincere, yet they have been queer
and their rudeness so severe.
Behind their polished veneer,
I can only jeer.

What unfortunate career steers
to be always here.

The future is always unclear,
yet beyond lies the great frontier.

My mind and will I have to cohere ,
and to my final decision adhere.

PS: for those who wants a summary, it basically means I'm afraid that one of these days, I'll either break down and cry, or give a great piece of my mind to that unfortunate yet deserving jackass of a customer... There.

2007-01-11T15:28:00.000+08:00

Meow means I wanna shit/pee and Feed me.
Meet the boys.

this is Sunny... Don't ask me why he's called that, it just came to me. Patches was another option but I liked Sunny better :D

this is Kiro... I might consider submitting this image to the editors of the cat pictorial, Stuff on My Cat :D

Waaah~~~ Imagine me with two cats at a ripe old age of 25 (geez). From my darling sis' expression, I think she is concerned that I may end up an old spinster who keeps cats for companionship. Hmm, can't say the thought never crossed my mind. Well, it's only two for the moment. I dunno if I want to keep more in the future, but for now two would suffice :D

The boys snoozing

2006-07-14T23:55:00.000+08:00

I think I just about had it with this...Job.

All the self 'psych-oing' is all that is:convincing myself that I can do this, but the fact of the truth is that I do not want to do it.

The two day course didn't change my thinking. I've made up my mind. I'll just let Him handle it.

Hey, I've been jobless before. It's no big deal. In fact, I enjoyed it. Because I didn't have to rely on the thing called money.

2006-06-05T00:56:00.000+08:00

Have a look at this link:

http://www.syfc.org.sg/events/dvc/cinema.html

A friend of mine sent me this. It's so simple, and frankly, all truths are. Until they are contaminated by worldly opinions, but hey, it IS the truth. Period.

*********************

Where is the moment we need at the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

(yeah...)

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
- Daniel Powter, Bad Day

More or less sums out how I've been going through these weeks. That's all it is, a bad day. A bad day, a few days of the week :)

2006-05-01T23:33:00.000+08:00

Something has been on my mind recently and it's not because I am bothered by it. I'm more stumped by the response given and that had me wondering about the general state of conviction and faith in and of mere human beings (believers included)with regards to certain issues.

What brought about the subject was the recent release of the founding of Gospel of Judas by National Geographic. I did not follow the whole thing, and come to think of it, it's almost like 'unintentional' publicity for the soon-to-be-released The Da Vinci Code movie. As far as I'm concerned, publicity of any sort, be it 'unintentional' or not, is always good.

Anyway, and so the story goes... Judas's scrolls were found, and to the staff at National Geographic Channel (NGC)
(see more at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gospel_of_Judas courtesy of WIkipedia.com) , it is a big finding because of its impact it has on religion, specifically Christianity, today. It seems to bring up questions on the Bible. I feel a certain similarity between this and the Dead Sea Scrolls of the ancient isolated Christians. Both aim to dispute the happenings that occurred in the Bible. Do note that the Bible is based on historical events and men alone did not influence the events.

Based on this, my questions are:
Is faith a burden?
How does one go about measuring one's faith?
Can a Non-believer be influenced by such controversy?
Will this cause a believer doubt his or her faith?
What is the ultimate purpose of this discovery?

This relates to something I know, hence I felt the need to say something about it. Not that it's going to impact anything, but here is my stand. The Word does not need dissection or analysis of any form. The Word, to clarify this, is not written merely by men, and I mean that in the mystical aspect. God is beyond human comprehension. Scholars, Nobel Prize laureates, all of you are welcomed to continue your lifelong pursuit of something that is beyond the mind and knowledge. Because when the end comes, all your speculations, theories and opinions will not stand. Come on, do you actually think you can fathom the Almighty?

On a totally different note altogether, I have caught the film The Da Vinci Code and all I want to say is: Christians, if you are actually contemplating whether or not to watch the movie, don't. Go watch it anyway. It is not asking you to decide, by the end of the movie, to come up with an answer. It is not asking you to do anything 'spiritual' or 'religious', but simply to enjoy the movie in its purest aspect: entertainment. Because whether you watch it or not, it is not going to make a difference on truth but it does make a difference on box office results, and that is important to major studio executives as their livelihood hinges on it. So if controversies of any sort in any way can help boost ratings, they welcome it.

Therefore, leave the guessing and deciding and whatever to the theorists. Don't steal their jobs.

Whew... Okay. That's all for today. This kind of entry only comes when the general state of affairs gets too warped.

PS: Paul Bettany did a great job as Silas. I've not read the book and I won't.

2006-03-30T00:52:00.000+08:00

Chantal Kreviazuk- Leaving On A Jet Plane

All my bags are packed and I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breaking; it's early morning
The docks is waitin' he's blowin' his horn
I'm ready I'm so lonesome I could die.

Refrain :
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leaving on a Jet-Plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
And tell you that they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back, I'll wear your wedding ring

Refrain

Now the time is come to leave you
One more time I let me kiss you and
Close your eyes and I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come when
I won't have to leave alone
About the times that I want have to say

Refrain

I'm leaving on a Jet-Plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe I hate to go...

I'm leaving on a Jet-Plane
Leaving on a Jet-Plane ...

Lyrics courtesy of Leo's Lyrics Database http://www.leoslyrics.com/listlyrics.php?hid=pBwNRUD3gpQ%3D

2006-03-29T01:16:00.000+08:00

My initial plan was to add in a song I heard from my current favorite TV series (it is in my TV Series Hall of Fame, together with CSI), Grey's Anatomy, but I cannot seem to find the lyrics. Could be due to the fact that all the songs aired were singles, and boy are they great singles.

I really have to hand it to the producers and story people (whatever you call them in TV jargon). Medical dramas are almost done to death; just look at ER, Chicago Hope, Scrubs etc. ER was intense and had Noah Wyle and George Clooney (earlier seasons); Chicago Hope had Hector Elizondo, who was excellent in it because his character is the only one I can remember right now... What other format could there be? Then there came Grey's Anatomy and, according to sources, more other by various US television stations.

It's good for me, the perennial couch cable tuber :D

*Oh yes, my sincerest apologies. I missed out Mr. Gregory 'Cranky Doc' House. In my Hall of Fame too.*

check out this website for more information, courtesy of USATODAY.com
http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2005-04-20-doc-dramas_x.htm?csp=34

PS: I admit it. Dr. Derek Shepherd, I'll have him as my neurosurgeon any day and Dr. Alex Karev can take my temperature anytime too.

2006-03-16T00:21:00.000+08:00

"Beautiful Disaster"
By Kelly Clarkson
Lyrics By Matthew Wilder/Rebekah Jordan
Courtesy of http://kckellyville.com/lyrics/bd.php

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme, I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I tried to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right, it just ain't right

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage that a soul should see
And do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight, hold on tight

Oh 'cause I don't know...
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waitin' for some kind of miracle
Waiting so long,
So long

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?

He's beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

2006-03-08T01:15:00.000+08:00

I'm in a mood for romance. Not that I have a partner to share that mood with, but seeing this quote just makes it really worthwhile to be immersed in it. Just for a while.

She lifted her face to him, and he bent forward and kissed her on the mouth, gently, with the one kiss that is an eternal pledge. And as he kissed her his heart strained again in his breast. He never intended to love her. But now it was over. He had crossed over the gulf to her, and all that he had left behind had shrivelled and become void. ~D. H. Lawrence~

Wow.

I've never really considered myself to be a sucker for romance like that, but I guess at certain points in life, it surfaces just to remind me that hey, I still have a heart that's made of blood and flesh. For that organ to function the way it should, I need to know love.

My first and most instinctive reaction to romance would be somewhat cynical. When I look at couples walking hand in hand, I often wonder what exactly is the difference between love and like, adoration and tolerance. I could like a guy because he looks pleasant and after getting to know him for a while, does that initial liking evolve into love? Or would it be adoration? Over time, does it become tolerance and routine? Does love last only for a while? I know it doesn't, but I'm just not convinced.

I always try to dissect love and what it is all about, what it encompasses. Maybe that is not what I should be doing. They say love is blind but lately, I seem to see things clearer than ever. I'm too rational for love, as it seems.

2006-02-24T22:40:00.000+08:00

The new skin looked so good, I just had to write something. Something, anything. Ha.

So, the vicious cycle goes. I am, once again, contemplating what to do with my so-called life. I see The Drowned Muse blogging away like a happy camper about school, students and love, albeit with sarcasm and dry wit (think they are the same. Oh well.).

There is Raelin, who is eternally upset about school, projects and most of all, without a doubt, mankind in general (still love you, babe, despite of them all). Especially those that exist in her lecture and project group. Take heart, mate. There's always going to be endless conversation about AJ to make things slightly better. Plus, she's almost done with school and that about starts the next chapter for her.

There's the Purple Dino at work who is somewhat serious about going back to school. That sort of made me think about it for a while... Seems like a good idea.

There is the Miss Casanova, who has applied for a position in the related field and the possibility of her getting the job is high.

There is also the Vegetable sisters, who may have plans up their sleeves but keeping it really low profile because nothing is set and concrete yet. Really, dense me can't tell and they are really fantastic at laying low.

What with this OPEN conspiracy about keeping me out of the know when it comes to leaving the flock... geez.

All these are showing me that the wheels have been set. They are in motion. Things will not remain status quo, and when that time comes, am I going to be shell shocked or geared up for changes?

And if I am geared up for changes, what am I going to do? This comfort-zone thing is beginning to bug me, and when that happens, it means I'm really bothered by it and I cannot stash it aside.

After much contemplation about my short time here, it is status quo for me. My time is not up yet. I better make good this time then and learn more.

2006-01-21T01:44:00.000+08:00

My first entry of the year. I almost didn't want to blog anymore. It's complicated, but that is the reason why I am blogging now.

Humans are creatures of habit. Admit it. Unless you are really and truly determined and of solid mind, you can accomplish something, say quitting cigarettes. I mean, TOTAL and COMPLETE abstinence, no time limit. That thought itself can be so daunting and heavy already.

I'm not saying many people are weak, because definitely, there are the survivors and they are the true champions. But I know fully that I belonged to the weak-hearted ones. Not in the medical sense of the word, but when it comes to change, I still want to hold on to certain pasts. In fact, I ask myself: "Do you really want to let it go?" Those who know me, know what I am talking about. Despite the facade, it still hurts. It's like a dull pain that's going to be there for quite some time.

There had been a period of time where I realized hey, I didn't want anything I had yearned for and wanted so much in the past. No more mind guessing and time spending on things that eventually I do not actually need. The feeling was great. It was like beasts of various burdens were released from me, and I'm free. I literally felt I was walking lighter and when it comes to certain things, I didn't care and that did not affect me. Like I felt bad for not caring. Because I really don't give a damn.

But they came back. Death, questions, responsibilities and emotions just went away for a while; took a little vacation. Those things, I really want to let go. Because I didn't feel quite right wiithout them. Certain things, however, I welcomed the departure. Like whether am I going to be alone in the future. No, I will not. That's for sure.

I am, after all, human. My belief emphasizes the working of the Spirit daily and for a while, it was working. I was working with it to work it and then it all came crashing down. If nothing matters after death, why should I even bother about eternity? Some people I know will be really disappointed that I'm saying all these things.

It felt like brainwash, and now I'm still trying to figure out what i was actually looking for. Peace of mind? Release from stress of various kinds? I'm still deciding. It could be rebellion towards good things, I don't know.

I'm living and dying each day. Maybe one day, I will finally accept the change that was meant for me and I will not think of fighting it. Because that is what I am doing now, and if I am rejecting it internally now, I sincerely apologize and hereby ask for more time to deny my self and all that matters to me this lifetime. Because right now, I cannot.

PS: hey roxane... glad to see ur blog up and running (for the nth time). keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you that it survives :D

2005-10-30T00:46:00.000+08:00

Hey Cirrus, this one's for you...

The first time I ever met you was in the store and you were my trainer for the part time job I had just undertaken. That requires me to undergo training at the section which you are at. My impression of you is that you take your work seriously, despite this being only a part time job. How you went through the different shelves and categories with me, it is as if you knew what and where the books were even if you're blindfolded.

My most memorable moment with you was in the locker, and it was still during my first week. I saw that you were my locker-mate and even much more surprised to see you sticking the SIM Sars-Free 'I'm OK!' (something like that) sticker on the locker door, and I went 'Hey, I'm in SIM too.' Your droll response was 'Uhm, we're going to be late.' Classic response...

So time went by and we got to know each other better, mainly because we spent four hours, five working days of the week in the bookstore. We gradually began to talk more openly over supper at BK, with other part timers as well. You give those you know a comfortable feeling and it's easy to talk to you without having to build up any sort of 'mental' preparation beforehand. I'm not saying talking to you is brainless, but sometimes both you and I know how we like to auto-shut down our brains after a day of work.

So it's been 2 years and on-going. Went through numerous sale periods, holiday/vacation periods and not to mention the KPC (of the perverted nature) as well as customers who test our patience every single day without fail. Hey, we have to thank them for making us better human beings to be able to take their nonsense and self-righteousness.

I wanted to type such an entry more because of encouragement. Nobody else can do it, except family and friends. I mean, I don't proclaim to be better or worse than you but I just want you to know that you are definitely more capable than you think. Sure, the forces of evil can be scary and you don't want to go to the store every day with an armor and weapon to fight...It's tiring and you just want to rest at times. I know that because I see how it is like.

I don't have a solution as to how to diminish the forces of evil, but I do remember how we all had (and are still having) good times in the store... It's unforgettable and we've all bonded now. Just remember how we laughed over the silliest things and customers, and perhaps it will be easier to bear for now.

I'm not really great at comforting people, as you can tell... I'm kinda struggling abit now, haha. For you, it's a period of indecision now because you love this place but not all the people. I hope whatever it is you choose in the end, you won't regret it. But even if you do, we're still here. Friends don't abandon one another.

PS: Thanks for the skin. I love it, as I did with the other that you did :D

2005-10-11T01:26:00.000+08:00

Those that go searching for love, only manifest their own lovelessness. And the loveless never find love, only the loving find love. And they never have to seek for it. -- D.H. Lawrence

Today, like any other day, I was in the bookstore going about my work, there was a toddler in his pusher near where I was working. He had blonde hair and blue eyes. He seemed kind of bored, but he had that cheeky boyish look that reminded me of my nephew. I saw a little smile playing on his lips, and I think I attempted to smile at him. I see many babies and toddlers of different races every day in the store, but this one just came straight to my heart.

I wished I could just look at him and play with him for a while, and forget about work.

Babies and toddlers, to me, presents the purest kind of love in the whole wide world. The kind of love that is untainted by whatever the world has to offer. The kind of love that all die-hard romantics hope, exist.

I'm going to see my nephew tomorrow. No matter how much time I spend with him, it is never enough... and he's growing fast, way too fast for me.

2005-10-07T19:29:00.000+08:00

"-You are mortal: it is the mortal way. You attend the funeral, you bid the dead farewell.
You grieve. Then you continue with your life.
And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on.
She is dead.
You are alive.
So live."

In response:

"I am mortal, and I will live the mortal way. The tears I will hide and the vacum of anger I will breed, not forgetting the grief that remains.
I will walk on and stand tall, I will also brave the stormy weather, and come what may.
But I will never be who I am, before the funeral again.
I will live, and when the sun sets, that is when I will rest and bid the world farewell, for a while.
When memories strike me a blow, I will pick up the pieces and live again."

2005-09-30T00:35:00.000+08:00

As i generate words to fill this entry, I'm listening to a song re-vamped by Jessica Simpson, These Boots Are Made for Walking.

I have to say, she can go country. After all, she is from the state of Texas and her so-called pop career died a few years back after she got married and started showing off more flesh than before. Plus, country is really big in USA. Look at Faith Hill and Trisha Yearwood. Okay, maybe Faith Hill is more pop-ish country or is that country pop...? Moving on.

Kelly Clarkson wants to be the next Cher. Listening to her song, Behind these Hazel Eyes now. Love the lyrics. Not that I find comfort or semblance of recognition. Just find them really powerful.

Take a Look:

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleepI'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once againI'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

2005-09-24T23:26:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, maybe just at this point in my life, I wonder if I would die alone.

Notice I did not say lonely. I'm not. I have friends whom I hang out (sometimes too much) with, and people whom I want to catch up with but are alas busy. I'm not lonely, as opposed to what Akon would say *sic*

I recall the scene in the hospital, the one with my mom on her dying breath. She couldn't even speak. The pain was excruciating, and the morphine was just knocking her out. Her own family, siblings, nephews and nieces were all present. Including my father's side of relatives. Even at death's door, she is surrounded by loved ones.

I always felt as though I'm walking around with a imaginary wound, the sort that would never heal. I am. Because I'm so attached to my mom, I know this gaping wound is going to be with me for as long as I live. It's fine if I'm the only one affected, but when people around me are affected, I get annoyed because they don't have to share my pain. They feel this need to share my pain. Despite appreciating this thought, I know full well they just want to make themselves feel better. I know that I'm harsh. I'm also impatient, impulsive and critical.

It's my mom, it's my personal pain. This is the last thing I need to do, to make You feel better.

I never actually acknowledge that. People know how the healing process go: before, during and after. The after, however, goes a long way. Everything around me, whatever I do...They all remind me of her. SO when people ask (when they do) if I do think of her, I tell them 'all the time.' Then they get abit upset because they reminded me of my mom's death. They also feel apologetic when they mention their own moms unintentionally and remembered mine passed away. Please.

So in the future, do intentionally remember to Not mention your moms around me. That's going to make me full a whole lot better. Thank you.

I should clarify that sort of 'guilt' people have, though I don't know why since it's my mother who passed away.

For the record, when I think of her, I don't think of her dying moments all the time. I think of the times when we went shopping, eating and basically just spending time together. Even at home, when she was up in the morning doing her daily chores. I'm never going to see that again.

I also want to say 'thank you' to those who treat me the same, pre mom's-death. Thanks for knowing deep down that is exactly what I do need, and for also asking about my father who is still hurting but doing well.

To those utterly tactless but harmless people ('get your mom to do for you...oh...sorry ah..'), I forgive you. Thank your lucky stars that I'm nice. Hah.

I don't know how this will hinder the way I look at love now. Because after my mom's gone, nothing seem to really matter that much.

This was not what I wanted to talk about in the beginning, but there's always the next entry.

2005-09-14T01:18:00.000+08:00

My back is aching. It's a occupational thing. I cannot help but wonder what I've gotten myself into with this job. I mean, I love it and all the crap are tolerable at this point. There's always something that pulls me back when I decided to turn away from it... I have no idea what.

Anyway. A lot of new faces in the store these days. The jaded in me always get into a gambling mode whenever I see a new face: "Let's see how long he/she will last."

It's weird how people ascertain things now. In the past, a job is a life-long thing. Now, it's the opposite. Is it the Mac-age, where we, the Gen Y people, can no longer be patient and expect immediate and instant results? Have we already start to demean something even before giving it a chance? I think I know the answer.

Even values have adjusted to the NOW people. Individualism: bane or boon?

I don't know what point I'm trying to make now.

Time for bed.

2005-09-09T23:36:00.000+08:00

1 - I'm walking away
From the troubles in my life
I'm walking away
Oh, to find a better day

Repeat 1

Sometimes, some people get me wrong
When it's something I've said or done
Sometimes, you feel there is no fun
That's why you turn and run
But now I truly realize
Some people don't wanna compromise
Well I saw them with my own eyes
Spreading those lies, yeah

2 - Well I don't wanna live a lie
Too many sleepless nights
Not mentioning the fights
I'm sorry to say lady

Repeat 1

Well I'm so tired baby
Of things you say
You're driving me away
Whispers in the powder room baby
Don't listen to the games they play
Girl I thought you'd realized
I'm not like them other guys
Cuz I saw them with my own eyes
You should've been more wise babe

Repeat 2

Repeat 1 to fade

--Walking Away, Craig David
*******************************

2005-09-03T04:50:00.000+08:00

I was quite inspired a while ago to type something, but I soon realized that the content might actually spark off vicious rumors of incomprehensible damage. Therefore, I shelved it. There goes my instant hit of a entry, actually. If I were the censorship board, I would have rated it a R21, due to violence, gore and vulgarities.

This is a PG site that I'm maintaining after all.

Then, after visiting a chum's blog, I was once again inspired to type something. This time, the content is safe.

So, here I am, in the wee hours of Saturday morning, 4.55am to be precise. The same time I got home THIS morning from overnight work in the store. Why I did that, I refuse to elaborate because it will make me sicker than I already am.

With Class 95 on the internet playing Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely by BSB, this can't be further than what I am now. I'm not alone as in boyfriend-less lonely, but really enjoying the peace. While the rest of the world is stirring to awaken-ness, here I am, already am awake and on a mission of self-actualization.

The fact that I am not in bed at this time, and still relatively awake, FORGOING sleep, and ignoring the aches in my body... is something up with me? Have I finally gone off the bend? In a good way.

If yes, I jump for joy. About time.

If no, well.... then I better go to bed.

Gosh, my back....

2005-08-13T00:49:00.000+08:00

Of chick flicks and chick lits...

You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye on the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and...

(Chorus)
You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't You?

You had me several years ago when I was still quite naive
Well you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved and one of them was me
I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and...

(Chorus)

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and...

(Chorus)

Well I hear you went up to Saratoga and your horse naturally won
Then you flew your lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not you're with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and...

(Chorus)

--- You're So Vain, Carly Simon

I love this song. First heard it during the movie, How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days but then, Kate Hudson who was in the movie completely massacred the song as she started on her strategy to completely turn off Matthew McConaughey (ok, ok! I copied and paste his name from a site... alrite??), the guy she was supposed to lose in ten days.

I enjoyed the movie. Come to think of it, there is never a movie that I totally and utterly hate, to date. I mean, if I did, I would have watched it in the first place. Watching it would have further rooted my choice of not to watch it, but did anyway. Somehow, that did not make any sense. Let's try again.

To date, there isn't any movie that I really disliked. I do read reviews and all, but ultimately, I decide to watch it or not, and not some movie reviewer to influence me. I hope that sounds better.

So How to is considered a chick flick. I like chick flicks. They make you feel good. Women are always after a good feel, not of the physically rude sort excuse me. As in, shopping make a girl feel good. Diamonds for some, shoes for some, bags for some, men for some... In the end, it's a good feeling that they are after. I like Pretty Woman too.

Movies are my feel-good weapons. Music too. And coming to that, books too. So I have three. In fact, shopping does alot too. So that makes it four. Traveling.... Perhaps. Have not traveled that much to make it a weapon of choice yet.

So I read my first 'chick lit'. Bergdorf Blondes. I really thought I was getting an idea of how Paris (Hilton), Nicole (Ritchie), Ally (Hilfiger) et al live. They wear designer labels like nobody's business. It's not even a big deal to them. They don't see that it's any deal at all, I guess. Just go and buy and wear.

For one, unlike us mere proletariat, they don't look at the price tags. They ALWAYS have the moolah to afford it. It doesn't cross their minds to go, "Gee, it's Gucci I'm wearing. I'm so rich that money is oozing out of my ears. Beat that, ha!" And they meet drop-dead gorgeous men (be it nasty and mean but charming like the devil, or the ultimate SNAG you would have thought already extinct from the earth) at a supposedly innocent get together at the newest, most 'in' hang-out like a bar or restaurant.

Before I pass out from hyperventilating on such perversion and indecency, I shall once again remind myself that this is but a chick lit. It is meant to make one feel good, and not pent up like that. Well, it's not really fiction you know. I'm sure there are people living fashionable lives as such and I will read about them in the tabloids *HUFFS*

2005-07-30T00:30:00.000+08:00

The Twenties have finally hit me in the face.

There are things that you can put off when you are in your T(e) ens ( as in, fourTEEN [14], fifTEEN [15], sixTEEN [16], sevenTEEN [17], eighTEEN [18], nineTEEN [19]). Really. Things like getting a boyfriend/ girlfriend, having your teeth checked, jogging, weight issues etc.

But, when you hit the dreaded Twenties, and it's dreaded because the Thirties will soon follow...SOON.

When you hit your Twenties, you're in a jungle. Look around you. People are in their Thirties looking like their Teens. It's freaky, it's unreal but it sure is around and surrounding you.

Weight issues. It has never been an issue to me, until a few hours ago. Merely recalling it... the feeling is like this: slow yet hopeful anticipation at the presumed truth that never was, followed sickening dread and disgust at the ugly truth that later rendered me depressed and sulky.

Weight. Now it's an issue.

I could give reasons. Like it's my hair; getting heavy. Water retention. But that's it. Pathetic.

I never thought the day would come, when I actually find myself flinching when saying these words: I'm Dangerously on the Verge of Dying from a Cardiac Arrest aka Heart Attack.

It's true. It's one of those kind of truths that you delude yourself from. Permanent Denial, the medical term is. Until you're forced to declare it under special circumstances like official documents.

And my BMI isn't exactly saying I'm light as a feather.

Geeez. To think I was laughing at Cirrus' ridiculous idea of having an apple for break. Why torture yourself like that, I commented.

Karma. It's all coming back to me, and in triple-fold.

It's gonna be an apple for me for breakfast, lunch, break and dinner.

Your turn to laugh, Cirrus.

2005-07-17T00:48:00.000+08:00

I wanted to post a song and just leave it at that. You know, the 'my blog my rules' talk.

I didn't know what I wanted to write in this blog. Somehow, I've lost the 'drive' to keep this blog going.

I don't profess to have an exciting life, and despite that, I still want to share thoughts about life in general; sometime nonsensical, sometimes somber, sometimes cynical...

Lately, however, I just feel that I don't want to share anymore.

It's getting tired. How life can never be calm for just one moment, and even then, 'moment' may hold different and extreme meanings for different people.

Things just have to happen, and they happen as a result of something that was done before. That something was probably the best solution at that time, but as time went by, it has produced other issues and then, new problems.

It's a recurring cycle, like how the earth has to orbit. Maybe, when the orbit stops in a human-termed second, eveything is just at peace with itself... how would that be like?

Currently, I'm under the influence of tiredness and fatigue, and that has definitely contributed to my state of mind as I type this entry.

Can I just sleep and not wake up the next morning? And the morning after?

2005-07-17T00:09:00.000+08:00

Could you move in slow motion?
Everything goes by so fast
Just slow down a little
Save the best part for last

You speak in riddles
Your intentions turn me on
I'm yours forever
Will you love me when i'm gone?

You're an unfenced fire
Over walls we travel
Its you I admire
My living example

Your eyes are an undiscovered ocean far away
Any minute now keeping
Both poets and priests at bay
Don't get ahead of me
Could we just this once see eye to eye?
What you offer has me
Ask me how it feels to vie

Your an unfenced fire
Over walls we travel
Its you I admire
My living example

Its a photograph discovered a decade after
Its a cannon blast disguised as a firecracker
Its enough to bring a brick wall to its knees
And sing, please

Could you move in slow motion?
Everything goes by so fast
Just slow down a little
Save the best part for last

You're an unfenced fire
Over walls we've travel
Its you I admire
My living example

Admiration, Incubus

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2005-06-26T01:02:00.000+08:00

Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned

'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no lie
I defy

[Chorus]
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean

I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin

'Cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Then always staying in
Feel the wind

[Repeat Chorus]

I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming clean

[Repeat Chorus]
Let's go back
Back to the beginning

Hilary Duff, Come Clean
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

I must confess: I have a guilty pleasure. It is quite embarassing, but anyway. It is MTV's Laguna Beach: The Real O.C.

There, I've said it.

It IS something like The O.C, set in a beach-side community but filmed like the rest of the reality TV shows. At one point, I was confused. It could be going in the direction of MTV's other hit reality-based series Real World, but I've never seen Real World before.

It is completely the way I like my weekend shows to be like: brainless. In LB, there is the token female lead, she's Lauren or LC. She is blonde, not half bad-looking (like most blondes), is the kind of girl Marissa is but without the crazy parents, or ex-parents... Then, there is her token best friend/confidante called Lo.

Of course, the token male who she secretly likes but is the boyfriend of a flirty girl Kristin (you don't need to be a neurosurgeon to know she's often and always at odds with LC), called Steven.

From the few episodes that I manage to catch so far, Steven hangs out with a guy called Trey who, in the most recent episode that I've caught (a few hours ago), designs caps. Yes, caps. The kind with mesh covering at the back. They do look kind of cool.

Seriously, Steven doesn't even look half as cool as Trey. He's..... blank. Really. He's cute and all, but that's it. And in the recent episode, I think he patch things up with Kristin, which means that they actually broke up before.

I mean, seriously, why bother patching up? I'm sure LC is readily available.

Besides, Kristin is like this flirty mean girl who bitches about LC over coffee with her equally mean friends. In a previous episode, she actually commented that you don't really need brains to go into fashion school, which LC, Steven and Trey had enrolled in.

See, isn't she mean?

If she meant LC, fine then. But not when her so-called boyfriend is in the clique too. That just makes her seem flighty and really...brainless. Like Steven.

But she could be insecure about herself, onsidering the fact that LC has never made any mean comment (maybe I did not catch her saying it) and that she likes to hang around other 'cute' boys when Steven is not around. Such typical mean girl-brat.

Before I continue, I have to say again: This is my guilty pleasure. Considering I cannot catch The O.C when I get home, this is my only ruse to drift away a while from the real world and into brainless mindless reality shows like that.

2005-06-14T23:08:00.000+08:00

I cannot use this language of fools to communicate with you.
The things that you say to mark the time of the day are calculated to bemuse.
And hey yeah ...hey hey yeah

Won't you hide me, won't you hold my life, let me have this time.
And lie here while I close my eyes, hold me through this night.

One good day will lead the way for another, my love.
Living here things are never so clear you discover my love,
And hey yeah ...hey hey yeah.

Won't you hide me, won't you hold my life, let me have this time.
And lie here while I close my eyes, hold me through this night.
Hide me, won't you hold my weight, hold me through this night.

--- Language of Fools, Tom McRae

I caught the movie 8 Mile in the afternoon. I've seen snippets of it before, and never the full movie until today. Well, almost the full movie, because I caught more scenes which I didn't before. So, I caught the not-so-full-but- close version of the movie.

Anyway, Marshall Mathers aka Eminem broke into the scene being a white boy thrash-talking rapper. Come on, a white rapper? People gave him a time limit, but he made it. I personally feel it's all a persona only. He's not really thrash-talking. I bet behind the scenes, he's pretty calm and clear headed. He's having fun making fun of those stars who make themselves out to be the whole world. The most important is, he loves his kid. The only 'trouble' he's ever gotten into was irritating other singers, and nothing else.

He is good at what he does, and if 8 Mile was truly based on his life, then I say he deserved all that he has now.

I'm going on a trip with a couple of friends. It's going to be fun, I know it already. It is always fun ttravelinglling, and more so with friends. It's just that we all need the break, doing the work that we do, and it's a time to just chill out, have fun and take in the sights and sounds. Not to mention shopping.

One of my purpose in life now is to enjoy my work and travel to as many country as I can. That's what I really want to do.

I know how I want my life to go, but as always, it gets upset in the middle due to divine intervention, and I have to go back and think about which way my life is expected to be. Besides, it is not really my life to begin with, so cheers.... !!

2005-05-03T17:51:00.000+08:00

you say what you want to say
your diamonds are drops of rain
your smile is your credit card
and your currency is your love

and the morning is for you
and the air is free
and the birds sing for you
and your positivity

watch out

so you play where you want to play
on the main streets where the creeps all pray
and you can feel like you're in dynasty
and you can be what you want to be

and the morning is for you
and the air is free
and the birds sing for you
and your positivity

and the car crash for you
and the sunshine is free
and the sirens call you

yes the morning is for you
yes the air is free
and yes the world spins for you
and your positivity

Positivity

Suede, 'Positivity'

************************************************************************************************

This song just popped into my head. Despite being a fan, this isn't one of my favorite songs from the band. I remember the MTV , however...And I recalled commenting that this doesn't seem Suede style, cos they look so cleaned up, shaven and dressed in white, and the MTV is bright with white background and CGI of trees and birds and everything nice springing all over the place. Very un-Suede. A few weeks after that MTV, Suede announced they were splitting up, and I think it's because they cannot do drugs anymore... heh. Just kidding. My guess is that they cleaned up their act and realized being free of addiction actually opens up more doors in terms of musical creativity. When you're smashed and loaded with H, all you can be is a bad-ass band with limited shelf-life (you're hot until the next bad-ass band comes up). Well, whatever they want. I do prefer their earlier days, though. I do disapprove of the drugs. Fine, it's good for them.

Nah, it's the word that came to my mind. This is probably the only song I know that has the word 'positivity'. Either that, or I've limited knowledge of music ( yes, that's it ).

I don't know if it's self-defense that I need to define my current state of existence. I mean, I have nobody other than my immediate family to answer to. Otherwise, I really don't care what other people have in mind. But I did care. It's hard to NOT care. Cos after being with people for a while, you feel a certain obligation, be it a tiny bit or a whole lot, to them and in turn, you want to do things according to their rules. I say, stay away from people once in a while. Get your bearings right. They're not going to be steering your ship. Sure, they can show you a compass and tell you about interesting destinations, but you make it there eventually on your own.

I don't know which is worse, saying something which you later take back. The former being something you did not give yourself a chance to explore, and the next moment, taking back the statement and going for it anyway. Why does everything need to be defined as 'right' and 'wrong', 'good' or 'bad', when all that matters is how you feel in your heart. So what if something that is wrong feels right? I think I'm going to get slammed for saying such things, but you only live life once, why not live it with a bang? Within the stated law of the country, do as your heart pleases.

The human mind is a double-edged sword; limits yet liberates us, depending on our choice.

2005-04-30T00:52:00.000+08:00

ATTENTION

I suppose it's time to set some things straight. I cannot condone it anymore. In real life, I'm helpless about it but some things can still salvage the situation. Here, in cyberspace, this place call my blog, I'm setting the rules. If you read my blog and understand my predicament, go spread the information. This is about keeping the rest of us who know, sane. Here goes.

When entering a bookstore,

DO:
1. KEEP your voice down. I know it's not a library but a public place, but it ain't your crib either, dig ( it is not your home either, understand?) ?

2. LOOK out for trolleys appearing anytime, anywhere. Yes, you'll be surprised how we bookstore folks can manouever the trolley even through the tinest of crevices ( nah, that's not true. We just go 'csuse me' ).

3. LOOK out for the trolleys, and get out of the @#$%& way~!!!

4. READ the sex-themed books boldly. Yes, we folks at the bookstore do appreciate you marching up to us and demanding the book in question be unwrapped, rather than you sneakily trying to avoid attention unto yourself by peeling at the plastic, thereby and inevitably attracting said attention of us bright-eared folks to YOU.

5. BE nice to the guard when the security gates sound after you pass by it. Could be lots of reasons: the gates malfunctioning, you actually stole something, library books... but never because of the security guards who are just doing their jobs by asking you to inconvenience yourself for just a while.

6. BELIEVE the price is right. Yes, it's unbelievably cheap. What is the problem here?

7. GIVE up and walk away when you hear yourself saying: " I can't remember the title and/or the author, but I know how the book looks like."

8. KEEP all writing apparatus and materials in your bags, except those you intend to purchase from the stationery department. THIS IS NOT A @#&^%* LIBRARY~!

9. NOT COPY~!!! Or make any notes, be it the title or author or other reference titles or whatever... PLEASE RESPECT COPYRIGHT.

10. NOT take pictures or video using your bloody 3G mobile.

There, I've done it. That feels good.

DISCLAIMER: All points stated above are purely views and opinions of blog writer and are not in any way intended for audiences who misuse and abuse books and the people who look after them.

2005-04-17T23:13:00.000+08:00

To have a Casino or Not to have a Casino, is that a question?

I figured, the concerns are not without cause. A casino breeds gamblers. My religion teaches me not to gamble but to be a good steward of the money I have, but the word 'Casino' does not exist in the Book.

The good thing is...actually, there are many good things. Firstly, it creates jobs for people. Next, in order to be a metropolis like the US of A, we got to have something like that. Think of the tourist influx. That and the hot spot for all-rounded entertainment. The bad thing... Gamblers. Bank robberies. Break-ins.

Ultimately, it's about control. Self-control. I'm guessing the casino that Singapore might plan to have is not going to be the full-fledged sort armed with show girls and magic shows, although magic shows are kind of like entertainment for the whole family ( sans dad/mom/granddad/grandma). It's going to be more like Macau, perhaps. I've never been to Macau, and never heard anything glitzy or about it so I think it's a good format.

I've seen Las Vegas, the TV series about a casino. There are actually staff monitoring specific guests and they can advise them to stop their game, in exchange for something like a free buffet or grand suite.

It is quite interesting to know how this goes. Because this is about Singapore's evolving. I suppose the idea of a casino is very exciting, but at the same time, it's not about having a casino at your backyard. It's the whole country, and the after effects have to be considered.

Oh yes, saw this in the news just now: secondary school boys soliciting prostitutes, or vice versa. And they say Singapore is boring *sic*

2005-04-15T00:28:00.000+08:00

New skin. New look. New life?

Well, maybe.

Made a decision, and that about contradicts everything I ever said about it. I'm not going to say what, because those who know me already know.

What I have learned from it is, whatever you choose to go and do, it usually does not happen. Because your heart isn't into it. You just want something, anything to happen, so that you can forget your temporal frustration.

I admit, the period of searching for a job got to me. I thought I could breeze through the waiting. I was wrong. It was probably one of the worst moments in my life, other than my mom's passing. That and the fact that I have not reconcile myself with the fact that despite that, life still goes on and it will still go on, no matter how far you run.

I forgot that I have friends who are willing to talk. I just need to go to them and they will be there. At that point, all I saw was a dot and what a crap time I had afterward.

People I know are surprised that I chose to stay where I am. I admit, I had them convinced about me leaving. I really felt that way, and after much rest, I realized it was just burnout. Everyone goes through it.

That, or there wan't other available jobs out there. Or I'm just too comfortable and unwilling to try new things. Rather stay in my comfort zone. The reasons to stay or leave are all relative.

I just want to let those people who are concerned about my decision to stay know that, I'm happy here. I'm not forcing myself to be happy. There are as many reasons for me to stay as there are for me to leave. God has put me here, and I cannot fight that.

I knocked on doors...not that many as I thought I should, and those doors remained closed. I looked away from a door that I so much wanted to knock, but did not because of fear. When it was opened to me, I took a step in and the rest is all pre-determined. How I walk the path has already been set.

All right, I shall stop the babbling. Hope you guys get what I'm saying. If you don't, go experience it yourself. None of us are infallible. The mistakes we make help us see the things we denied ourselves of at an earlier time.

2005-04-06T15:33:00.000+08:00

Control, control...

I do not mean the remote control.

Had a breakdown in front of somebody recently. Despite telling myself many times "I will not break down", I did. The person went away for a while to get tissue, and that gave me some time to regain composure. It was embarassing.

How many times in life have we woken up in the morning and wished that things were different, better? That things were so much easier yesterday, than today. 'How am I going to get through today?' It's that one thought in your mind when you wake up in the morning that will make, or break the day.

I'm working very hard not to be emotional. Depend and gauge situations according to how I feel. It's tough not to care, but I'm going to do it anyway. If people around me find it unbearable, they can jolly well make a move.

Where did 'I' go? I prefer 'me' last time, than now.

2005-03-26T19:27:00.000+08:00

In-tolerable Cruelty?

Is there such a term as 'tolerable cruelty'? The thought came, when I was thinking about what movies to include in my movie rental list. Intolerable Cruelty came up (not at all), and as usual, thinking about it made me wonder 'Why isn't there a movie called Tolerable Cruelty?' So here I am, trying to make sense of it.

Each word is big in their own ways, but putting them together brings about a chemistry that is seldom ventured into. Tolerable. A situation happens, that does not push you over the end no matter how stupid or idiotic, where you won't go ballistic and ultimately maintain your cool. You got to be a person with a big heart, to take all the good and bad, hence the said personality trait or characteristic. Cruelty. This is one word which is the extreme end of the word 'kind'. Put the two together, it's something that you either give or take. Like 'I can take that sort of cruelty' or 'I'm not that cruel.'

The first statement is about a person's limit. For example, some people I know cannot stand stupidity; I'm one too. So is stupidity a kind of 'cruelty' which you can or cannot stand? For those intellectuals, maybe. Not a chance in hell would they be around a person who is anywhere near stupid. Stupid people, or lame people. 'Spare me your oh-so-funny jokes.' Cruel at times, huh? How one simple comment like that can totally kill off any chance of conversation.

The second statement: I'm not that cruel. That's person-by-person basis. For example, I think accidentally running down a dog is cruel, but running away after it is most cruel. Some people think, 'It's just a stray.' It's a life. You are that cruel. Tolerable cruelty is being mean, reasonably. Now that is a thought.

To take the word 'cruel' in its purest sense, I'm sure a lot of us have been there, and possibly am going through it now. A loved one says something off-handedly. It hits you like a punch in the gut. It's just words, but the power behind words is beyond comprehension. You begin to give reasons like, 'oh well, bad day' or 'it's PMS' or 'he's just tired' or 'she's...' I don't know. How much reasons and excuses can we continue giving to our loved ones, when ultimately, we know for certain what we see and hear, and deep down, it's a fact: I don't care. But do we stop? No. It's tiring to be confrontational, and a lot of us don't want to go there. So, that is sort of tolerable cruelty. 'I can take her lack of interest in what I really care about.' 'I can take his sarcastic comments about my friends.'

I just watched 50 First Dates on DVD, starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. I think both stars are great in the movie and it made me think that maybe it's not that far from fact. Drew in the movie wakes up every day, not remembering what happened the day before. It's not forgetting, it's not having that memory at all. It's called Short term memory loss. So every day really is a brand new day for her. Imagine being in love with a girl or guy like that. Can the love we all profess to have sustain that kind of relationship that may grow tired and impatient in the future?

So it is a romantic comedy, but the meaning behind it... It's really worth thinking about.

2005-03-19T22:56:00.000+08:00

Had a rather pent up entry completely unpublished and lost, thanks to my oh-so-reliable internet service provider. This is one example of why humans always allow themselves to get frustrated. They procrastinate. Make it 'I'.

Was watching The Simple Life an hour ago. What can I say about PH and NR? Nothing constructive anyway. As I'm trying to get right with the God I believe in, I shall reserve all comments about them. They just make life a little more entertaining, that's all. But I will make it a point to not watch it anymore. My brain cells are way too precious for shows like that, ugh.

Seriously, I am trying hard to think of what to write in here. I'm not going to write about my 'daily' life here, what I did today and will do tomorrow. Oh yes, I'm going to church tomorrow. After a long time. I realized that it's not really up to me to decide whether to go to church or not. It's God. He decides. I just go along.

Currently listening to Turn Me On by the always lovely Norah Jones.

2005-03-14T00:35:00.000+08:00

I did seriously consider deleting the template for this blog, thereby ceasing the existence of this blog. After all, I'm still a pen and paper person. I literally pour my half-dried heart out a few days ago in my diary. For the uninitiated, a diary is like a blog in the real world, except that you use a writing apparatus ( instead of a keyboard) and pen your thoughts in paper, and the glaringly obvious thing is that nobody else can see it. It lives and dies with you.

Well, then I decided not to, because I do have an audience out there *teehee* and I will not let them down. Take your groans elsewhere, buddy.

I think I'm beginning to see the reality of working life. Especially in places where it's challenging everyday, and it's not just about your capabilities anymore. Thanks to The Apprentice, I'm starting to appreciate the dog-eat-dog corporate world.

There's going to be that beautiful AND capable lady who actually doesn't sleep with the boss to move up the ladder. She really is that good, and she exists and many others secretly hate her. It's like the cheerleading squad, with the head cheerleader VS the deputy head cheerleader.

There is also the lady who think he or she is so smart, and talks her way through everything, good or bad. Eventually, it gets thin and people are sick of your yapping. She is eventually 'fired'.

There is also one, the underdog. She is the hardworking one who is genuinely wanting the project to work, but too easily swayed and indecisive and as a result, gets whacked by the rest of the teams, who deems her too 'weak as a leader'.

There is the one, the fashionista. She will dress up to the nines and talk surely but sharply, and at the end of the day, she knows that she hasn't done much, and has the brains to be quiet about it. But when she actually accomplishes something, she will make sure the whole building hears of it.

Man, I'm really into The Apprentice. I know one other person who is a fan like me, and to her/him, I say CHEERS!!

2005-02-28T02:31:00.000+08:00

Go check this one out:-

http://www.realitytvworld.com/index/articles/summary.php?i=589

Just some whiny b*#%tard' s comments about the finale of the recently-ended The Amazing Race.

Funny how sporting people in a competition are described as quote unquote 'a horseshoe up their a$$'. Geeeez.

Love the one about aspiring-lifestyle-travel-programe-host-wannabe Kendra about her 'travelogues'... sic, and the one about Jonathan and Victoria, and the one about MaryRebecca and MaryAdam *LOL*

Oh, just go read it~!!

2005-02-28T01:13:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, a person desperately wants to know about certain aspect of his/her life, those aspects that do not seem so obvious. I guess that is the main reason why some people choose various ways to cull this curiosity, through tarot cards, ouija board, peeling a red apple in a perfect spiral in front of the mirror, visiting the temple and the most common would be those paperback astrology/zodiac guides.

Hey, I'm not saying I'm never curious about them. I do thumb through them once in a while, if I happen to see them lying around blatantly at my designated area of work. Of the above, I'm guilty of flipping through the last item, and almost succumbed to the first by contemplating of buying a set. Yes, I am thoroughly ashamed of myself. Deep inside, I think the stars ARE attuned to our lives in some ways.

And about ten minutes ago, I just purchased a zodiac report and the results indicate that I'm most suited to be with a Virgo. I'm still reading through, so I'll drop a few results further on. Of course, I'm not going to cozy up to friends whom I know ( and I do not, actually) who are Virgos because of the results. Blayuck.

I've always known myself to be impatient, and as such, I tend to want answers immediately, if not as soon as possible. I'm willing to wait, but my interest wanes as time goes by. In the past, I was strangely and eagerly curious about this aspect of my life called romantic relationship. The environment that I was in didn't help, because my peers were either attached or have someone wooing them. For me, I had neither. The impulse and curiosity to want to know 'how it is like being in a relationship' began to gnaw at me.

Hm, this is starting to sound like 'confessions of a still-single woman-child with no point to prove as usual'. I am not abandoning my faith, of course. It is just a part of me that needs some affirmation of some kind, and I know this is as frivolous and flippant as it can get. This is not going to get me hooked on astrology or zodiac books. It is just for fun, as they say.

Of course, beneath every seemingly off-handed and spur-of-the-moment action lies something that is more realistic and sober, and I don't deny it. I do wonder if I'm ever going to get attached, and how the process is going to be like. I wonder about such things, as how some people wonder about their next boyfriend/girlfriend. Perhaps it is the age issue. Is this my pre-quarter-life crisis? I'm still two years shy of it, but it seems that I have serious matters to grapple with at this age ( like having a job, for one). This is not a serious matter. Maybe when I am 30 and typing a blog entry of similar content, yeah...That is a damn serious matter. Red alert. Sound the alarms.

Cirrus and I had a chat on our way home two days ago. I mentioned about a certain section in one of her blog entry, the one that sums up as 'living and dying in Singapore'. We both agreed that the made-for-Singaporean path isn't something we want to take: go to school, graduate, find a job, find a partner, settle down, have children, plan for children's future, plan for retirement, plan for old age, plan to die.... The both of us groaned at the mention of it.

It seems so easy to fall into it and once you're in it, that's it. Venturing out of Singapore isn't something you want to consider, because (1) you have a family to support and (2) you don't want to risk stability.

I know the flak I'll get from some people, who would think I'm way too idealistic and naive for Singapore and I should go ahead and try 'the road less travelled'. Please pardon my thinking, because I haven't tasted the hardship that prevents one from taking that road yet.

I could be exuding certain vibes that's screaming 'This person does not want stability' or 'I want a partner for purely societal reasons' or some other reasons.. hm, I should do something about it.

2005-02-26T01:40:00.000+08:00

I completely forgot about the hot issue of intellectual property, and went ahead putting the song on the blog. For the fear of my pants being sued off, I have taken the song out. Better be safe than sorry. Those of you guys who have songs on your blog, yeah I know, it's nice to have your favorite songs but there's the legal issue you guys should think about. Maybe I'm just being a scardy-cat, but you know... the people tracking the IP stuff are the ones I don't want to deal with.

I don't know about some of you, but the younger people these days are really something. There, I did it. I manage to type something that will solidify my status as a 'older' person without cringing or gagging. That is good news, because I have finally accepted my adulthood and perhaps maturity.

On to the topic about the youngsters these days. What are they thinking these days, is what I want to know. It seems like more and more of them are easily manipulated and affected, not to mention brain-washed, by the information various print media has to offer. Does it matter that much what Paris Hilton is (not) wearing? Does it really matter how long Britney Spears' marriage is going to last? I mean, I come to the store almost daily, and I'm bound to see or hear some young person talking in a faux American/Australian/Caucasian (huh?) accent about stuff you probably read about in the toilet?

I don't know, but it is frightening to know that if their lives seems to contain largely such and similar things. These are like their daily input. It's like the level of 'hanging out in shopping malls after school' is upped so much in their time...

I know I sound like a prude, and I'll admit I am. In the first place, why do I even bother talking about such things? It's brought about something my colleague mentioned, how 2 newbies at work are complaining that they are being slave-driven. I was speechless. Maybe I was brought up not to complain and work hard, and that's not a bad thing, is it? I see what they are doing, and it is no different from what I did when I first came. What do they expect to do in the bookstore? Sit around and look pretty? It's part time work for you, so you work. Period.

That really riled me up. It's ridiculous. Their threshold for pain and suffering is nonexistent, not to mention respect of fellow human kind. I'm not even going to talk about consideration and sensibility on their part.

I am annoyed by their attitude, and I feel indignant too. Of course, who am I to judge? When it's plain to see, I don't think I'm judging at all. Maybe all of us are too living too comfortably now, to the extent that we are not willing or prepared to put ourselves in any situation that is anything but. If the bigger picture for thie generation is to get out there and make ourselves known to the rest of the world, it's going to take some time. A long, long time.

For the record, there are the ones who don't think the world owes them a living and to them, I give my deepest respect and admiration. I'm very happy and glad to say I know some of these people, and it is from them that I, too, learned something. All of us gain something from each other. Each of them comes with different background and yet they are the ones who are unafraid of something new or different, keep a open mind, and willing to just give it a try. Of course in the process, it might embarass or make them look like fools, but I know these are the same people who will laugh about it at the end of the day, then learn a lesson from it.

2005-02-23T17:50:00.000+08:00

Whiskey. That's the executive decision I have made with regards to the name of my pet. It's got to be something that even my 3 year-old nephew can pronounce, not to mention my dad.

Got a new song for the blog... just love the acoustics on this one. Thanks, Cirrus :D

2005-02-18T23:05:00.000+08:00

Responsibility and what it takes
I always wondered, and still am wondering, about what goes through the minds of the people who happened upon my blog. There's going to be the usual 'she/he thinks she's/he's so interesting', 'trying to sound intellectual/smart/intelligent but failing completely', 'egomanic', 'waste of space and bigger waste of my precious time', 'does she/he have a life?'... At least these are some of the comments that I haboured (hehehe) when I read some blogs I happened upon. Rest assured, the names under Linkages, it's not anyone of you. What a relief, huh?

You see, sometimes I'm inspired to just type something that is insightful, but halfway through, I get off track and simply stray.

Okay, now I got them back. Had two plans for this half of the year. Either a trip to Australia or get a pet. Both which I think are long overdued and shelved, due to cashflow issues.

The pet idea came when I was watching Animal Planet three days straight after waking up (minus cleaning up), and in particular the series called 'Emergency Vets'. The show is about vets in a local vet clinic handling injured pets on a daily basis. It made me realize that God created animals too, and there's got to be one that belongs to you. I then looked around my house, and saw that it needs something....alive. My dad keeps fish, but you know the story about fish as pets. There won't be any communication going on.

While I am aware that this could be an impulse decision, and keeping a pet can never be on impulse (it's selfish and cruel), I decided to educate myself on pet keeping first before em-barking (hehehe) on a trip to SPCA. Adopting a pet seems like the way for me, at least. Economically, it's a better idea and practicality is assured as all the necessary procedures (microchipping,shots etc) will be taken care of. Also, I think the SPCA people will do an assessment on me as to whether I'm ready to become a 'parent'. It's a life-long thing, keeping a pet. Well, pure breed or not, it's not really an issue with me. I'm not going to have a shop selling pets anyway.

As for the long overdued trip, I've decided, just a second ago, to shelf it. Again. Actually, it's just an excuse for me to get out of Singapore. For the shelf part, I never actually planned for one anyway. Besides, excuses come along the way when you need to back up something that's excessive and un-required.

So yes...this pet project of mine will start tomorrow. Research is important, but more important would be the actual care of the pet and that needs alot of work.

The next entry will be on names :D

2005-02-16T09:51:00.000+08:00

Can one actually get used to doing nothing at all? If I have to take stock, I'm technically not doing nothing. I've got my part time. I have some income coming in, though not that much that my dad can not work. I've got time to myself. It is a fair balance of having something to do and also time for myself.

So why am I still feeling lost? Is it self-induced? Highly possible.

In terms of job search, I have made some progress. That is, whenever people ask me what I want to do, I can finally tell them something in THIS area of work. So when I look out for job openings now, it's easier. However, I do foresee other issues

Funny how it all makes sense when you see them typed out. Give you a sense of security, like 'see, your situation is not all that bad'.

Noah, if you're reading this... All I want to say is: Adulthood is hitting you only now?? Where were you for the past few years then? Heheh, I guess better late than never.

Okay, onward. Job search has never been more 'defined' than this. For me at least.

2005-02-06T01:05:00.000+08:00

Dear all... In view of the up and coming Chinese New Year, today's topic will be about red packets ( more commonly known as 'ang pow' ). And to that, I must add that red packets these days are looking more and more designer-like. Talk about texture and feel and none of those shiny stuff that gets on your fingers and eventually your face... None of that now. They look really ( for the lack of a better word, yes I should go go read up the dictionary some time) designer.

Before I start to look silly *sheepish grin*, back to the topic. The main issue on the topic of red packets is: When Do You Actually Stop Receiving Red Packets From Your Elders? By right, there isn't any stipulated laws in the Chinese tradition court that actually states a particular number. By and large, most people believe that when you are married, that is when you stop receiving and start giving. The modern view towards it, however, is that... okay, there's none as far as I know. People do not stop receiving red packets, even though they have their own income. They probably won't go: "Ah ma (ah gong, or both), it's ok. I big already, no need to take ang pow. You keep for yourself." They will still take, because first, it is respectful to elders (only this time of the year they show respect to their elders..) and secondly, since their elders are giving, 'I might as well take'. Last of all, 'Chinese new year mah, don't take like so funny.' Even if you're 35.

As kids, we enjoy the surprise and the togetherness when we cousins gather somewhere with no adults nearby and try to peek into the ang pow to see how much we get. At that time, it's always a secret as to how much you got. But as we got older, it became 'tell lah, so old already. Think I will get jealous meh?'. So foolishly you tell. However, as age catches up, you become perceptive of people and their body language, and you know at once it's a mistake to divulge your ang pow value.

To me, kids will always enjoy Chinese New Year. But for children these days, I'm not too sure though. They are way too spoilt, as far as I'm concerned. For me, I enjoyed my childhood Chinese New Year tremendously. Whether it's going down to Chinatown to soak in the atmosphere, or just sitting in the car looking out of the window at the decor, or go house visiting (I especially enjoyed the trips to Malaysia most of all), I love them all. It's only during such occasions that makes you want to really spend time with family and friends.

Best wishes for the new lunar year, one and all.

2005-02-01T22:48:00.001+08:00

Quiz This !!!

Got addicted just recently to this quiz site... more will come.

Cocktail

?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Roxane, if you are reading this, this one is for you baby~!~! :D

2005-02-01T18:40:00.000+08:00

Another year passes....

And what an eventful year it had been. I guess whenever one's birthday comes along, the only thought would be: what have I accomplished so far? I ask myself that always and every year on my birthday, I won't have the answer. This year, however, I do have an answer, and there's more than one.

For one, I'm done with school. The end of my academic life is the first pit-stop of my life, and the next journey I'm about to go on to is, Adulthood. Which entails work, as in for a living and to support those who had brought up up. I realized how selfish I had been despite having a part time job. I realized that in conjuction with the thought that my father is aging and a part time job is not enough to support both of us. Actually, I am excited about Adulthood. It brings so much more into perspective. Naivety, for one, is one character I hope to eradicate. How does one go about eradicating something that is seemingly of a good nature? Lack of knowledge seems to work against me. That's my result. I'm like Morpheus.

Morpheus

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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Somehow, that did not excite me. It describes one as flighty, head in the clouds, always thinking and not really 'there'... you know what I mean?

I know I'm searching for something. There is a goal specially for me somewhere in the big out there, and I'm searching. It gets tiring. And all the baggage I have put upong myself isn't helping.

Adulthood... is it another word for piling responsibilities on yourself just because you think you can handle it? What if you can't? What if it gets too overwhelming? Are you going to give up?

There I go again, thinking about stuff that will get me nowhere. I need a job fast. Just so my current state of mind can rest and be programmed into routine. Yes, I escaped acdemia just so that I can get a life of routine. I'm indeed a product of the education system here.

2005-01-23T03:46:00.000+08:00

Couldn't think of any suitable title. I can, if I'm feeling angst-y or indignant, but surprisingly, I'm not because basically, I let my feelings show. If I'm happy, I'll laugh. If I'm not, I'll brood. When the period is over, then !eureka! ... I'm fine and dandy.

Yep...2005 is a year for me to spend less, a pseudo resolution which I managed to break barely one month into the year. Spent a bomb at a book warehouse sale, and I didn't really feel the pinch cos I really wanted those titles, which were going at unbelievably low prices. And I am genuinely striving towards having my very own Library @ Home.

Okay, let's keep it short today. I'm sleepy.

2005-01-18T15:21:00.000+08:00

Reality bites. Ouch.

Okay, I really need to cool down. Having read the previous entry over and again, I realized how un-cool I am. It's almost like I'm jealous of beautiful and gorgeous people, to which I say I really am not. It will be something which I have to deal with when I enter the working world. So, deal with it, SoL. Bah.

So, I've sent out my first resume, but... can't just stop at only one. It's God's will, that's all I can say.

To me, life is really about exploration and I mean that by exploring places. I've always wanted to travel to a really far away place, and just soak in the atmosphere of the place and its culture and people. So many things can prevent, or even stop us from taking that step to go and leave where we are. But sometimes, it's the really minute stuff that gets blown out of proportion that stifles us. Balance in life, I suppose, comes when you accept your responsibilities and acknowledge your need to expand your horizon. At this stage of my life now, I think something's going to happen soon. It's not going to be some big-bang, meteor-crashing kind of event, but it will make me realize finally how I want to lead my life. Do I feel the pressure from other people? Of course I do, but all of these are transient. I'm getting ready for the bigger things.

2005-01-15T02:30:00.000+08:00

Advantages of the Beautiful and the Gorgeous...

This topic came upon me when I had to settle an on-going, unfinished business from last year. If I never had read the text message on my mobile, I wouldn't have to face the issue again. I was prepared to part with some cash in exchange of a peaceful unruffled new year, but apparently I cannot. So this has come to full circle (man, I always wanted to say that... full circle), and there is no escape.

This matter involves an ATM cash transfer that never happened, or so it seemed. So this friend of mine text-messaged me and told me about the whole scenario, that it did happen and we had actually double-payed the person. I have to admit, I was at fault too for not being 'aggressive' enough to clarify the long over-dued matter ( LESSON #1: procrastination, however major or minor, only begets more trouble ), and was only contented with making it go away unnecessarily by paying more than I should. So, getting the text message was like Scrooge meeting his Christmas Past... I had to once again confront the matter and i guess this is a opportunity for me to deal with it like a matured and sensible adult.

What triggered me off was the friend ( let's call her/him O ) was ranting at me via text messages, about how we had double pay the person who don't even deserve it in the beginning why it's so troublesome this thing never ends the person so blur never check properly i can buy so much things with the money aiyo.... The truth of the matter is, the person did deserve it, because it is a shared thing and we have to contribute our part. The other truth is, O knew the person whom we had to pay the money to. It is very clear, and I know it for sure, that I HAD to handle this. O is never going to talk to the person, because of a so-called 'misunderstanding'. Bear in mind that, this concerns her too. Her money is there too, yet she is ranting at me only. I get to the point where I'm soo tired of this pettiness, I'm willing to give up my part of the money for some peace of mind. But I cannot, because I have another chance to rectify it in a manner much better than before.

Okay, I'm still not getting to the point. It's here. O happens to be quite a looker. In my opinion, she is prettier than the average, plus she dresses well and has the cash to maintain her looks. Hey, she has ex boyfriends still text-messaging her about possible reunions, strangers asking for her numbers and all... I wonder what actually goes through the mind of these people. Are they smug about it? Are they secretly glad that this is happening to them? How do they handle it? I mean, a break up is a break up, right? Do they even do anything to prevent such things from happening, or they just let it happen and then 'lament' about it? Or do some portion of their sense of security and self-esteem derived from such and similar incidents?

What annoyed me was the fact that she expects me to handle the matter for her. She didn't have to put it into words; through the meaning behind the text message was clear enough. Like "Ok, now you know about it. Do what you need to do. I want my money back." In fact, do I need to handle it for her? I don't need to, but just to make sure that I can do this like an adult, I will. As such, I already answered my own question. Do beautiful people get away with things like that? Of course they do, because there are people who are willing to do the so-called 'dirty' work for them, just to prove something, self-worth probably. I will handle this my way... I mean, since she's never going to talk to the person, I will and I'll do it my way. Thankfully, the person is nice and sensible, so it's going to be relatively smooth.

So the issue that had been gnawing at me is out in the open, and I feel great. In fact, this could be something that will probably end any contact between me and O. After settling this, all will be fine and everybody will be satisfied. I'm not saying that we'll cease to be friends after this incident... I guess we do hang out with different groups, plus the fact we'll both be working and all. However, it's a reality which can of course be prevented with effort put in. Takes two to clap though...

Okay, I cannot think of any movie dialouge today. Will try next time.

2005-01-08T02:47:00.000+08:00

More than this...

So, the mad Xmas season at the store is over. Whew. Back to normal at last. Happy to say I won't be here for the coming one. Make that a resolution that WILL come true.

Haven't been blogging for a while, and sometimes I wonder why I even bother. Yes yes, you naysayers might be rolling your eyes and wonder why I even ask such a question *like, you idiot*. But you see, isn't a blog site a place where we put our so-called thoughts and opinions, and as a result a place to love, really love the image we perceive ourselves to be?

For example, I can be a humorous and satirical person here, but in real life, people are just stepping all over me. This Blog space is a space for such poor depraved/deprived souls to vent out their anger/grief/hate/ love; sort of like a boxing dummy for the mind.

Hmm, don't think I'm going anywhere remotely near where I want to go. You see, I'm trying to be smart here, but in actual fact, I'm not and I'm cool with that. So, I shouldn't even be blogging. Hehe, just kidding. Wouldn't want you guys to miss out on my seriously lame topics. Someone's gotta do it, you know.

Something happened at work today, and it was hilarious. Even thinking about it makes me laugh. It involves me, 2 other senior staff and a humorless customer with a tight panty. I don't want to go into it, but I will anyway. This customer came to the counter to ask if we had the VCD version of a DVD title. So Senior Staff #1 took the enquiry and asked Senior Staff #2 in a completely son-of-a-gun moronic/retarded voice *take a pick* if we had that. WE had absolutely no idea he was going to speak that way, and at that moment, Senior Staff #2 and I burst out laughing. The Customer was offended seemingly by the joyous and happy moment we all had and asked icily, "Is it very funny, my question?" Well, that got us a complaint. Not me, but Senior Staff #1, and I must say his retarded voice was so 'fetch'...

~~ Like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of our life ~~

PS: Will try to put in a line or two of movie/dram dialogue at the end of every entry from now on. Just feel like it.

2004-12-26T23:57:00.000+08:00

Boxing Day... love all my gifts....

The reason why you guys are seeing bigger fonts here is because of a certain person ( he/she appears in the Bible in one of the major events ) who, for reasons that escape my understanding, cannot see the normal fonts. So there you go. It's clearer now, eh?

So, I'm in a better mood today after a lacklustre one yesterday. Something I've learned recently: my potential of being a better person is being revealed to me day by day. It's cool, because I've seen aspects of myself that I thought would never be possible.

At the risk of being too spiritual, I shall stop at that. Let's just conclude that I feel changed. I can take on more stuff now.

Had a sort-of gift exchange with the bunch at work.... hahah, what fun we had. The scrambling of buying REALLY last-minute gifts, and the cursing and swearing by the asthetically/assymetrically challenged of wrapping up gifts in a presentable manner (me included )... it's been fun. Plus, the gifts are surprises in themselves so that was really nice.

Well, the night would have been better if it was rounded up with a couple of drinks... but even thought there wasn't any, it didn't make it any less fun :D

2004-12-26T01:39:00.000+08:00

Merry merry Xmas~!!

Finally able to rest my stiff lower back and do some typing. It's more or less an update and some other stuff.

Christmas this year has been...well, I'm not too sure what. Something ( or someone ) is not there, and I know what it is. The fact is, it's never going to be the same and I don't know when I'm going to get adjusted to it. All the preparations are just ways for me to not face it when I'm by myself.

So, I'm officially done with school. Time to move on. It's kinda frightening how some people I know readily fit into the mould of getting jobs immediately after, be it uni or poly. Up to now, I still do not feel the urgency. My dad did ask when I'm going to be looking for a 'real' job, I just told him I'm looking. That's what I'm doing: just looking at the newspapers.

I still cannot see the image on my blog skin. It's got to be the bandwidth problem, which I have absolutely no idea what the heck that is. Anyway, people who have no such problems, enjoy it. People who've seen it said it was cool, which is pretty much what I'd want it to be, hehe..

Growth. How scary.

2004-11-29T01:22:00.000+08:00

Tis the season to be jolly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
and all that jazz....

I love this skin.... It's probably the best one I've ever had. I had to use it. To the person who created this, you're great. Really professional. Keep it up! Okay, so I really hope I didn't screw up the whatever codes of this skin and mess up again. I really like this. Hope it turns out well *fingers crossed*

So Christmas is coming. Just love the season. Somehow, it brings out more love from people. Working in the bookstore tends to make one feel discouraged, because you actually see how ugly people can be. It's pretty appalling too, because it seems like all the prestigious and expensive education we have had has gone to the dogs. Or simply, education begets arrogance. If it does, it is very sad for us all.

I'll probably do something for the folks I know this year; didn't happen last year due to bad planning and of course, lack of funds. This year, at least I have the blueprint in my mind right now, and it's something simple... Not too complicated or expensive. Probably get some personal gifts too, because I know that some people who are reading this *ahem* have got me gifts, so I really want to... You know, there's a better phrase I can use other than 'return the favor', but it has slipped from my mind... eheh.

I found myself slipping back into the comfortable mould again, i.e. I'm entertaining thoughts of staying again. This is bad. I mean, not bad as in unforgivable bad, but I'm limiting myself by thinking that. It's scary to see how you can so comfortably go back to routine, because you don't want to change.

Okay, I shall keep this for another day. Bought 2 VCDs: Chicago and Edward Scissorhand. Watched Chicago yesterday and I love it. Catherine was pregnant when she did the film, and she had to do all the vigorous dancing.... She's great. She played Velma Kelly with a kind of relish, which worked wonderfully for the film. As for Renee, well... I'm sure she is a good actress but somehow her potrayal of Roxie didn't quite cut it for me. She's not bad in the role, but maybe I'm just not able to appreciate it. On the whole, the movie was really fine.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-11-22T03:14:00.000+08:00

The Stop of Life...
Finally cleared out all the notes that I've accumulated over the years of education. It's surprising I didn't feel any sense of nostalgia or reluctant hesistance when sending them all to the recycling bag.... Guess it's more of a practical thing to do, clearing out my room, rather than something I wish I don't have to do.

So, time to move on. The question is, when and how? Damn, many a times I was so close to giving up and actually relished the idea of staying put permanently in the bookstore. I really love the place and the people, but deep inside of me, I know that these people are but passers-by in this stop in life called the bookstore. They are preparing their way to somewhere better... Or rather, somewhere with more opportunities. I even felt that some of them were a waste of talent being so-called 'stuck' in a place like this. Some I know are just putting up with all the crap they are getting for a better 'life' after. Some I know are just here for... I have no reason why they are here, seeing their work attitude. Some I know are simply contented to stay put, and it is really because they like their job and some, it is because they can get away with anything and I mean anything. To the point that it affects the morale of other people. I don't know if it is a result of staying longer than one should. Some, I see, they have been victims of their own fear. I don't know if I'm harsh by saying that, but the fear of getting out there and starting all over, meeting new people and re-engaging yourself to a new workplace environment...The fear is very real and daunting.

I know I'm not going to stay here; I know that for a fact. This bookstore will always be a part time job to me. It's time for me to move on and not entertain any thoughts of 'what if-s' and 'maybe-s' of becoming permanent.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-11-12T22:55:00.000+08:00

HOT AIR BALLOON
Yep, I am feeling like one now. Lots of gas in the stomach due to the lethal combination of cream pasta and cafe latte... and that was three days ago, and I'm still burping. Damn it.

Met up with an old friend from polytechinic recently. Couldn't help but feel the impact of time once again, and how it has pass us by. It's probably less than 3 year since poly graduation, and so much has happened. For her, certain ridiculous things remain the same but now, she has a partner to share those moments with. For me, it is more like I lost a fight to the inevitable, and it is probably something I need to recover from.

I need to go back to church. I tried to not think about it, but it's there and it's something I have to deal with. Somebody once said something about a person's soul being the fountain of life, and it is the spring that brings life to the body. The fountain in me is drying up, this much I know. The rest of me is just existing, but not nourished.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-11-07T01:05:00.000+08:00

.T.I.R.E.D.

I'm tired. Really tired. Tired of the responsibilities that come along with adulthood. Tired of the petty inconveniences that people whine about. I'm feeling so stressed to the point that everyone I know, I feel that they are giving some kind of stress. I'm just being full of nonsense and crap. I'm not going to whine in my blog, no way.

Nobody said the process of decision-making is easy, and what more of life-altering decisions. At this point, I figured I want to do some many things, yet it's all messy in my mind and I cannot take the mess that's inside. Sometimes, I think so much, it's tiring. Like how I'm feeling now. I almost threw in the towel at work just now. Wanted to just walk up to my boss and tell her 'This is it. I'm done here. I'm giving you my notice.' But it's so easy to walk away and not put up a fight. My mum didn't raise me up that way, and I know for sure that I'll regret it in the future, and I already have tons of regret to contend with, thank you very much. I don't need any more regrets to make my life even more.... regrettable.

So this is like PMS for big decision-making ahead. Like I need to go through a period of brooding and depression and utter disregard for anything else, before it hits me and I gain wisdom and intelligence. Well, I can live with that. It's probably my fatigue that is magnifying all the insignificance. I'll recover.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-11-04T03:23:00.000+08:00

HTML HTML HTML HTML HTM HTML HTML HTML

I've been having some issues with the previous skin and some people said that the horrible Barney purple fonts did not do the metallic skin any justice. So here I am, back to my all-time favorite one. Till I master the HTML codes, this will be my skin to stay.

So, I have decided to declare my blog address to some friends. It's still quite embarrassing, because sometimes, what you have written here is for your eyes only. You conveniently forget that the rest of the WWW sees them too. I mean, hey, seriously buddy, if you really did want to keep your thoughts completely to yourself, why have a damn blog in the WWW in the first place? It's just simply unadulterated exhibitionism and a need for your words to be heard somewhere, somehow. ALL ON THE WWW, hear me roar!!!

Well, I have decided the direction that my blog would go. It would most probably border on cynicism and satirism. I mean, telling people about how I wake up in the cold/ rainy morning, dragging myself to the toilet, conducting whatever hygiene necessities needed to have a healthier life and how I am going to spend the rest of my day, be it with my dog, my friends, my boyfriend/ girlfriend, school mates... if I wanted to know all of these, all I have to do is to tune in to the real life station known as My Life. You’re no Paris Hilton. Who wants to know about your miserable life?

My blog is going to be interesting. I hope it to be, at least. As such, I shan’t be posting entries every other day. Like I’ve mentioned, you don’t need to know what’s going on in my life (what I had to dinner etc). Damn, I should have made this disclaimer during my first ever entry. Well, it's never too late. My blog, my rules.

Had a terrible time dealing with the previous skin and I’m telling you, it’s bloody troublesome. Ack.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-11-01T17:15:00.000+08:00

Ok...so I've got a new skin out. The color is horrible, I know. It stinks the eyes, but at least it's VISIBLE.

This is a test drive. If it appears Barney-purple, I'm fine with it. It's still work in progress.

Peace.

2004-10-12T01:36:00.000+08:00

America's Next Top Model,the OTHER reality shows and a really suave guy :D

Just caught an episode of this other reality show. Sometimes I'm afraid that I might give up drama for real unscripted ones; but as long as shows like C.S.I are on air, I'm all for them. Back to what I was saying.In the past, audiences always complain about television drama not being realistic enough and how the actors needed acting classes etc etc...now we have real people in real (no bona fide. Man, that doubt 'slightly' altered for ratings) situations. Well, it kinda of takes the fun out of ACTING. Soon,there will be no more actors and the term "celebrity" will be re-categorised into: minor, premium,means the Oscars...will there be award shows like the Oscars any more?

It's a dilemma for me. I really enjoy Amazing Race, and for me, that is still THE best (and intelligent)reality show around. ANTM is entertaining but you know...it's in the deep dark side of all of us less-endowed ones to watch pretty babes get catty. Ladies included.

voy·eur·is·tic
Pronunciation: "vwä-(")y&r-'is-tik, "voi-&r-
Function: adjective
A person who derives sexual gratification from observing the naked bodies or sexual acts of others, especially from a secret vantage point.
An obsessive observer of sordid or sensational subjects.

I always thought it was voyeuristic to watch real (when the term 'real' is used, it means the rest of human beings who do not have the chance/opportunity to appear on screen, be it small or silver) people in real-scripted situations; you know, it just does not feel right. However, I've gone and checked out the meaning of 'voyeuristic', and have reached a conclusion that it is not the case at all. Sometimes, you just wish you can be like these 'real' people who get to be on Extreme Makeover and be made-over and pretty and be happy... isn't that cool?

This suave guy... he's just suave. My gawd. I cannot continue. He's in the line of Jim Caveizel and Hugh Jackman. I mean, in terms of acting and performance, he's still below par, but my fixation on him is like with the two actors above.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-10-06T14:18:00.000+08:00

Holiday celebrate
Holiday celebrate --- 'Holiday' by Madonna

yes...sort of. No more frigging reports. No more nerds breathing down my neck, and driving the rest of us humans with lives to our graves! No more getting questions instead of answers when asking questions. No more~!!!

Just saw some pictures that my friend had taken when she was in Japan for six months.... man, I just want to be somewhere; don't have to be that far and Sentosa don't bloody count, ok! and Japan seems like a cool country to visit; the amazingly interesting 'freaks' with heavy KISS-like make-up and Halloween-like costumes gathered at a park meant for their kind of people... Every country has its attractions, more so for my friend (who speaks Japanese too) because cos her idol happens to be a Japanese :D

Next week, I'll be going to Malaysia to see my relatives, and also get away from here for a while before preparing for my exams. I don't know how to explain this, but now that my mum is not around, it's easier to plan for activities. Maybe I have been so attached to my mum, that even when I'm not in Singapore, I still think about her. What I feel and how I act, however, comes out totally wrong. Why am I saying these anyway? Interesting how one thing can lead to another.

Time to plan for my future. For starters, I've been given the task for save up a certain amount of money in six months. After which, I have to increase the amount. It's a good way to force me to save finally. I won't be getting any more allowances, and I simply cannot live from hand to mouth; spend all of my salary, then wait for the next paycheck. I don't know how others do it, but I'm going to try. Tough, but I'll try.

Adieu....~

2004-09-28T22:52:00.000+08:00

Eggs, Shorts and Boyfriends who should have know better

I heard a piece of good news just now. My dad (and I've heard from TV news just now) said that eggs will be arriving in Singapore in two days' time. How cool is that? I miss my source of protein.

I was at Orchard Road in the afternoon and saw this girl in this pair of impossibly short shorts (almost on the brink of being a bikini bottom). Obviously she is aware of the eyes on her shorts (mine were on her super-short shorts, not sure about the guys out there) and felt rather uncomfortable. This guy beside her, assumably her boyfriend (one would cannot be sure for now)with a pair of Oakley/ Killer Loop shades, beige berms and orange button shirt, had this arrogant air about him when it came to her and when they were on the up-escalator, the girl would be one step higher and he would be one step lower behind her to block the wonderous (debatable) view of her booty from the rest of the evil world standing behind her on the escalator. Cor... come on. COME ON. This guy friend with me was saying, "She might as well don't wear." Well, I think she's attracting all the wrong attention, and that guy beside her was being so (for the lack of a better word).... You fill in the blank. I mean, seriously.

Let's be hypothetical here. If that girl is his girlfriend and she is wearing that pair of SHORTS in Orchard Road (a place with plenty of escalotors around), she will know how that SHORTS is attracting attention. Let's be frank now, shall we? You wouldn't be wearing it if you didn't want that kind of attention. Seriously, my issue is, why does the guy have to stand behind the girl on the escalator? The intention was plain to see, and to me, it's dumb. You need a certain amount of confidence and flamboyance to carry off the SHORTS and if your girl can't and you need to be protective around her like that, it's stupid. I know I can express this in something more intelligent than 'stupid' or 'dumb', but I can't seem to manage it now. This relationship is going down, I bet.

2004-09-24T15:02:00.000+08:00

No more shoutbox for now... can't handle stupid mindless links that morons post.

I hate school. I don't know what I hate about... if I try hard enough, I think I can come up with something.

All right, people seem to be enjoying lectures, and projects for that matter. I like lectures, I do. Projects.... screw 'em.

What else? School seems to be their second home. I really don't get those people who can come to school in the morning and stay through the day in the computer lab. How do they do it? I can't. Though I have to admit, it's quite productive for me at times. I still hate it nonetheless.

And the project mates.... I just about had enough of these mindless twerps. I don't have to take their nonsense. I'm not going to.

~ wrote this in the computer lab ... gawd ~

2004-09-12T03:08:00.000+08:00

Went back to work today after a long rest. I don't know if it is called a rest period because I don't feel rested at all. Darn projects keeping my mind occupied.

Have been considering the option of going full-time. Then I remembered having suggested the idea to my mom, and she had given me her signature look of "do whatever you want, but I won't like it and you know it"....hahahaha. Mom, mom...How I miss you so. I have yet to come to a closure on that.

I'm really glad this is my final semester in school. I don't know if it is the after-effect of all that has happened recently, which I really don't think so because I had felt like that since day one starting this semester... Whatever it is, I'm glad it is going to be over and I'm planning a trip. I need one.

Through it all, I really want to thank my dear dear friends who have shown their condolences in various ways. Deep down from my heart, I thank you for all your efforts in helping me through this time. I didn't think I needed it, but I do and thank you once again.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-08-30T21:07:00.000+08:00

So, I've changed my blog skin. Been wanting too, but so many things have happened.

After having the time to go through the various emotions that went through my head, I realized that life still goes on. This, surprisingly, dawned upon me when I was at the hospital the day my mom left. The nurses were still looking after the other patients, and they still have their job to do. It doesn't mean that they are unfeeling; it's just that in their line of work, they have seen it all and it is empathy they feel. For me, it became real and rooted when I realized that in school, I still have my deadlines to meet.

Time doesn't stand still, as such, time and tide waits for no man. For me, it stopped for a while, a few days at least. I still need to get away from too much activities. My emotions are still tentative. Sometimes, I worry that the day that I stop crying for my mom will be the day I have gotten used to her not being around. I tried to think that, she's gone to China to see the Great Wall; she will be back. That's what some people tell me; that she is not dead, but she has gone away. I also know that she has gone away to a much better place, and it is so much better. Just now, when I was aware that I am surfing the internet, I remembered that last week, at this time, I was in the hospital and she was still around. At least in the hospital, I can see her and she is still around. Now, I can no longer hear her breathe, let alone her voice.

All my friends are talking to me a lot, asking me out to lunch/dinner and all; I know their kind intentions. I cannot say I want to get over this, because I'm not ready yet. When I'm out with them, it takes my mind off my mom's passing for a while. When I get home, it gives me space to just space out. It's sometimes tiring to grieve... I don't know how long this will last, I know that as long as I have my memories of her, it will probably be quite a while.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-08-19T22:03:00.000+08:00

I have a bloody neckache now and a paper due tomorrow. I don't know how to cope as well now. I don't even want to do anything. All the overwhelming feelings that used to overcome me, they simply just fade away. As long as I don't give them any thought, I guess I will be okay for sometime.

I really have IMpatience with immaturity right now. I have nothing to say to people who display such trait except: "Don't waste my time." I'm serious. I mean, I don't have time to entertain or say 'soothing' or 'understanding' words to these people who just want to feed their ego and justify their actions/words. If it makes you guys feel better, do it by all means but don't have second thoughts about it. Things like "was it a good idea?", "i finally did this or that, but it still feels etc etc...". Cut the crap, okay? Go kiss yourself in the mirror.

Damn, me neck hurts..... oh yeah, I think Atomic Kitten is coooool. Yeah, I do *I'm not drunk* So's Justin!!!! Rock your body~!! :D

* nox noctis *

2004-08-09T02:46:00.000+08:00

I subjected my eyes to what I deem the worst piece of thrash yesterday. I don't even know what to say, except that it is beyond repulse.

Anyway... I totally regret it. It was something that did nto benefit me at all and only made me soo grossed out and I do feeel ill currently as I recall the images...oh my gosh. Ew. I need time to recover, I really do.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-08-08T00:48:00.000+08:00

WELL... After much thought (not that much actually), I think I shall not made any hast decision regarding this blog. I did have happy moments venting my frustrations and indignance here, after all.

MY rash words came probably because of what is still going on with my mother, and how the whole situation is taking a step forward, then two steps back. Life still goes on, but it is just not the same as before, and it's kinda hard to get used to it... Especially when I know that my mum is not here in her home.

I've learnt to take things easy now and I mean really easy, like work. It is not my responsibility to make sure others do their job. In the words of Christina (or Xtina) Aguilera, it is not my job to mother them. It is my job however to do, well, my job as best as I can. That's it. Period. After that, I'm going to have the belated-yet-much-deserved fun that I have so missed out in the last few years.

I was in my highest state of alcohol consumption, and it was pretty cool, I must say... hahaha. I went with the buddies from Melbourne and my sis, and got home close to 3am. The miracle was, I was able to wake up to go to work in the morning, and I was early at that too...How cool is that??!!

I am relaxed right now, because I know that ultimately, all these feelings of useless-ness and helpless-ness are abounding because I'm trying to control my situation again... And I have to let go of this control. It is my mom, after all and I'm learning, as always, to let go.

Damn....I should lighten up, man. It's Saturday~!!

~ nox noctis ~

2004-08-02T23:02:00.000+08:00

I'm going to terminate this blog. It may come as a shock to some people, but seriously, I don't really care. I'm just tired. Just tired.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-07-23T23:02:00.000+08:00

SOMEHOW my blog skin changed without my knowledge. As a result, I can only post and not receive any feedback. I need help in this HTML sh#T....

THE week has been, how shall I put it, about me just popping by NUH every now and then. Mum is still in there and it is going to be indefinite as to how long she will be in there. I'm worried, of course, but not as much as I should, because I know that the doctors are doing all they can to ease her pain and to come up with feasible alternatives to keep her going. My mum, as far as I can tell, is still going on pretty strong....You go girl! :D

FRIENDS who know, they ask how my mum is and I tell them she is fine, and I am not lying or softening the whole situation. Sometimes, I wonder if I am being naively optimistic about her condition, then I realized that no; it has finally sink in. It is cancer, and the only thing it can go is not away, but into remission which I think is already good enough.

THEN they would ask me, "how are you?" or "are you okay/ all right?". To all the people I know out there who are concerned and reading this, I am really okay. Frankly, I should be okay because I'm not the one who has cancer. It is my mother who has it, and I guess some people (when inflicted with such family 'crisis') are so down and depressed and they show it openly. I'm not that sort. Different people have different ways of dealing with hardship and tragedy, and for me, I think the best way is to smile. It does make you feel better.

A church friend is in the next ward, near my mother. The first thing he said to me when I went to see him was, "We always meet under weird circumstances." The first time was at the bookstore, now in NUH. He too has cancer, and... Every trip to the hospital makes me think that life is so unfair. Why him, why my mum? Sometimes, religion makes you go "you know, since You are the one at the helm, you can change things, but somehow you don't and I still cannot see how cancer and suffering is good for the soul." I'll sleep on that and try to decipher an answer.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-07-19T01:00:00.000+08:00

I have a feeling things are going to change. Again, there is this amount of slight change in me that has never been felt before. It's good and about time, too.

CURRENTLY reading Prozac Nation. So far, it is pretty engaging because it reads like a conversation/ dialogue. I'll try to get my hands on the DVD or VCD. It stars Christina Ricci, who I still think is a pretty cool actress. Her potrayal of Wednesday in the Adams Family Values is classic.

CHURCH... It's a sanctuary for me. I haven't been there in weeks and I do miss it, not because of guilt but because it is the place where I feel at peace and myself.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-07-17T02:35:00.000+08:00

I wanted to change the blog skin, but decided to do so another day because today was simply a damn trying day for me.

SICKENING customer aside (it is a day like any other bad day in retail), it is the people who you work with who always, metaphorically speaking, slap you time and again with their brand of senseless-ness. This time, it is wearing all of my comrades out. It is completely draining us of our energy to have to, time and again, give in to her selfish and pampered whims.

WORK used to be fun, but now I am only staying put because of all of these comrades. These people whom I've met and fought bad/ stupid customers 'battles' with... these are the same people who make me realize that despite the existence of such idiocy and immaturity, we all know that one day, we will be released from them; the so-called salvation, I guess :D

IN school, the two Aliens Ultimo had taken the final step of breaking away from the group. I see it as a form of release and hooray for us 3, but despite that, I still feel that they have one-up-ed on me and the other two again. Again, they put out something and expect us to take it, with no questions asked and no other ways about it. Sometimes, their cluelessness as to what they have done is beyond me. I do not even know what else to say to that.

I take my work seriously, I really do. Of course, there is always the occasional slacking off but that is normal. After today, this need to re-assess my work and personal values came to me again. Is the job worth staying any longer? What is at stake? What do I value? What do I want to get out of this?

Mum's still in the hospital, but at least she is being taken care of by the professionals. Would love it that she can be back home, but what ever that needs to be done has to be done for her.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-07-11T02:57:00.000+08:00

HMM... I just like the new blog skin so much, I thought I would just pop in and drop a line or two.

SOMETIMES, it is the little things that get me all riled up. On the contrary, people always say, "It's just a small thing, forget it." Exactly. Since it is a small thing or issue, why not just forget it? I guess when this particular thing called 'money' is involved, no matter how small the issue is, it will be blown up and all bonds and relationships forged will be put to the test.

THIS train of thought came just a few days ago. The impact of it was simply ridiculous. Me and two other mates were shocked (aghast) at how this other two people ("Aliens Ultimo") are so particular (calculative) and detailed (penny-pinching). It is the long story that required us to pay for some damages we supposedly caused back down under, and the biggest joke is, we were innocent...But no, the two aliens just wants to settle the payment as soon as possible. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WE DIDN'T DO IT, DAMN IT~!!

THIS case of damage that we apparently caused has many loopholes. ONE, the amount of the damages was only deducted FOUR days after our departure, and without any form of notice, be it a phone call or email; just like that. I cannot help but wonder if giving out our credit card numbers is really safe and secure. TWO, the photo image of one of the damages was too incredible. To put it simply, this sort of damage can only be caused by a bowling ball being dropped into the middle of a ceramic sink, thus causing the cracks(Damage #1). Imagine how the impact would have been. Five people with an average weight of 55 kilograms each cannot cause such a damage. To clarify matters, none of us had a bowling ball in our luggage. Oh yeah, I have to add this. It is like one of another classic: Alien Ultimo #1 says that such cracks cannot be caused even if (get ready for this) somebody had sex on the sink (!!!) Go Figure, and understand my mental pain.

Plus, the picture could have been taken anywhere. If anyone of you thinks that I am trying to get away without paying, please do not read further. Get the hell out of my blog. THREE, me and 2 mates know for sure that we did not cause Damage #2, which is simply staining the lamp shades. This can only be done by hanging damp undies on the lamp shade, which I can assure you that I never did. Why am I so sure? Because the room was shared between a guy, me and another girl, therefore discretion and decency was applied. Unlike the (female) Aliens Ultimo who shared one room. Besides, I saw with my eyes the undies on the lamp shades in their room. For that, I will not pay for it because I know I did no such thing. FOUR, the 2 aliens... Or rather, Alien Ultimo #2 simply assumes that whatever email correspondences made by the suspicious/ scheming coporation ("SSP") was mistake-proof. She simply take it at face value, and did not seem to wonder if there were any mistakes made on their side. I mean, the Aliens Ultimo act as though they were never at the place. They just rely on the emails sent by the SSP. For the love of all humankind, can't they just do this brain activity known as R-E-C-A-L-L-I-N-G ? Maybe then, they will realize that hey, they were there in Australia too and hey, they did hang their undies on the lamp shade (pardon my obsession with this fact).
FINALLY, SSP is there and we are here. They have the credit card number and HAVE already deducted the amount. Either way, we are screwed on this side of the world and conflicts are already arising among this ticking timebomb-like group.

MY issue with them is, they just want to settle the damages paid and everything will be all right. Sorry, but this will involve hard evidence and as far as me and my 2 mates are concerned, the evidence produced by SSP is not concrete enough. I'm too principled in this case to simply just pay and it will be a sunny day again, because I am simply not convinced. If I had been me a few years back, I would pay and be happy that things will be the same again. Not this time. This whole thing is too flaky and hole-y to begin with. The Aliens Ultimo are assumptious in the way that they EXPECT us to pay, whether we are at fault or not. They are also not interested in finding out what happened exactly. Somebody else may have caused the damages and made us the scapegoat. The way they are handling this is f*#ked up, because they simply are.

IF not for my other 2 mates, this trip down under would have been killed just because those 2 aliens were around. It is true; their mere presence irks me to no end. As if their mere presence is not bile-inducing, the words that they speak of.... It is unbearable. I shall end here and now because they do not deserve any further mention in this blog. My blog. B*@ches.

In the process of writing this entry, I have been frustratingly disconnected by my ISP. Well, I'm not going to take any more sh*t from this ISP anymore. Pity I stayed with them because I was loyal. Guess what? I don't see myself being as valued as other users of other ISPs. Arrgghh....!!!!!!!!!

~ nox noctis ~

2004-07-09T00:15:00.000+08:00

AHH... After a particular local internet service provider suspended my account for a few days because they think I'm not going to pay my bills, thereby causing the momentary cut-off from cyber space, I am back. Hey, it's just money. What's up with that cut-throat attitude? Oh yeah, I almost forgot. It's S-N-P--E I'm living in.

AS usual, many thoughts in my brain again. When my manager came up to me about a week ago to inform me that my contract is expiring and if I wanted to extend, I said 'yes' initially; as usual, shooting my mouth off, but I hesitated again, which my manager saw and said she will give me time to consider. I did want to extend my contract, for the basic reason of the extra cash. Recently, something happened and that forced me to re-prioritize. Mum was hospitalized, and for once, I know I do not want to see her like that at home. It was like a silent thunder for me to finally accept it. I'm forfeiting family time more than I would want to, and it is causing a change in me which I felt has never happened before. I did run away from it by burying myself in work, but in the end, I will still have to go home, but not to what it used to be. Or rather, how I keep insisting it is not the same.

PROBABLY the strongest reason is my mom. She is still hanging on, and I know this is the time where she needs support the most, so actually, not wanting to extend the contract was my initial decision which was fairly easy to make. But like what a fellow colleague said, it is the bond that have been forged, and that faltered my initial decision. I really want to stay because of all the fantastic people that I've gotten to know, and yet I want to stay at home and be with my mom. Both sides are equally strong, and there is no apparent winner, so to speak. I guess having this opportunity to work weekends is sort of like a gift from heaven. I'm very reluctant to give up my sole income stream, plus the fact that I have several desires to satisfy which required money to realize... Thanks, Almighty God. I'm not going to say You always know because You Do, but I think in this case, it is more apt to say that You Provide.

I remembered mulling over this in the hospital, and it just came to me: God provides. That's it :D

I have to change my mindset. There are so many things that require change, and I look forward to it. It's kind of hard for certain things to NOT remain status quo, but one has to move on and staying because of the memories...Sometimes, they are better left that way.

Hey O, if you are reading this, I'm glad you got out. Let's hit the Dubliner one of these days... I need my booze :D Plus, your shoutbox is NOT user-friendly.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-06-30T03:09:00.000+08:00

WOW. I have to say, this place is looking more like me now.

SO, typical queer and somewhat somber quasi-philosophical thoughts have been on my mind lately. I like to think them out in my brain, because it is much quieter. Not that I do not like other people's opinion, it's just that sometimes, the way their opinions come out is not how I would want to take it.

FOR example, this issue of religion and politics being hand in hand. It has been, in the past, a powerful weapon used in building part of the world's history. That, and the issue of killing. Using religion as a reason to take another's life... The secular part of me says that it is debatable, and the spiritual part of me says that only God can take any life, because He gave it. In this area, it is non-negotiable for me. Nobody can take anybody's life away, not even yourself. It is the ultimate act of selfishness to take your own life. Utter spupidity as well. I do not sympathise or empathise with people who attempt suicide; to such people, I have nothing to say to them. If choosing to take your life was the easy way out, you would have succeeded.

I have been thinking about this other topic, death for quite a while. Not that I am suicidal or anything, it is just that it has become something that is no longer the "yeah right" sort; it has hit home much closer. I always wondered about my own reaction if someone really close to me pass on. I would probably be crying every waking moment and tears forming in my eyes, threatening to fall, every time I see or hear something that reminds me of the person. The last time this extremity happened was the end of a puppy love relationship. The latest was because of something I feel utter sadness about. Tears, to me, serve as a form of release and expression of emotions/ feelings that I cannot put into words.

HMM, must be something I ate today... I'm usually not so 'deep' at night, even when I am inspired.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-06-25T01:06:00.000+08:00

So, it has been a while since I last wrote an entry. The traditionalist in me still prefer the good ole pen and paper, and I had a peaceful time writing down my thoughts which I had decided I wanted to keep as my very own... There are certain things in life that I would like to keep private, and thoughts like those are one of them.

It is funny how some things in life are so fragile and easily broken. A promise. A relationship. A friendship. It is very unfortunate that things in the past that were deemed so dear and vital are now viewed in such simplistic form.

Life, as they say, is full of changes. I like changes and do welcome them, albeit sometimes on my terms but things do not always work that way. As a person, I need a lot of work. I am going to embark on a journey to find a word to define me. Not how others would define me, but how I would define myself in the purest and unadulterated sense.

KL, here I come...!!!

~ nox noctis ~

2004-06-15T01:05:00.000+08:00

This is it. I am going to learn how to manage my money, or what is left of it. I figured it is about damn time, and what with some of my peers doing the whole independent-women / not-depending-on-parents-for-financial-support works... I'm stressed, to say the least. Blast it, I am already 22 and this is not going the way I want it to go. Plus the recent Aussie trip did not help much on my conscience *gulp*

I will be re-acquainting myself with terms such as Budgeting, Financial Planning, Self-controlling, Fixed Savings, Bills (aka Fixed Expenses) and Due Dates, Allowable Expenses, Impulse Expenses... arrgghh~!!!!!!!!!! This is going to be difficult, but hell, I will get through this.

Okay, I'll start now.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-06-13T23:24:00.000+08:00

SO I am back home... Nothing changed much; I mean, it is only 3 weeks. It is like I'm returning to a life of slavery again, after a time in paradise. This trip made me realize how much I need to get away from my motherland every once in a while, so as to re-align myself and see my direction more clearly.

MUM is looking good, and I am very happy. Though to a certain extent, I feel guilty. Whenever I look at her, I see my weakness and inability to do anything to make her feel better physically. True, I am no miracle worker, but there is someone who can work miracles and the human side of me simply is lazy. Therefore, if nothing happens, it is nobody's fault but mine alone. Perseverance is not my strong point, but I ought to work at it.

AS I enter the final semester of my tertiary life, the reality of finally becoming an adult for good looms near, and I am, to say the least, apprehensive. Mistakes are allowed in school, and I'm kind of used to making mistakes and being able to get away with it. I have friends who are just about to start their uni lives, but had some prior working experience, so in a way, they probably could apply and understand the theory used in textbooks better than I can. This job that I have at the bookstore did prepare for working life, but after all, it is only a part time job. There is still so much I feel I'm inadequate at with regards to people management.

THIS emotional baggage that I keep carrying around me even when I know it is not going to go anywhere, I'm giving it up now. It just struck me that it is about time, and remembering how the few outings we had went and the recent meeting up in Sydney, it is not going to go beyond what is now. Why am I even hanging on to something that is going to just remain status quo? Plus, I'm never going to take the next step. Which brings to mind another question, do I want him so much? Evidently, the answer is clear to me. I'm moving on. To where, I have no idea, but at least I am moving forward.

ALL right, mum dropped hints about the part time job I have. She mentioned about how late I always get home, and when I go out for supper, I do not call home and she and dad worries. Being passive people, we do not call each other until it is really unbearable. So she says, it is better if I find a 9 to 5 job upon graduation... It is not a bad idea. At least I am not being resistant towards it. Oh no, I AM a product of the system. I'm not putting much of a fight here.

OKAY, I shall go relive my Aussie trip. Ciao~

~ nox noctis ~

2004-06-04T22:43:00.000+08:00

When homesick-ness sinks in, it completely makes you uninterested in what's to come.

Okay, I will call him. It's going to be awkward as usual, but hell. At least I get to meet up with someone who I still think of as a friend. Distant friends. What irony.

Saw Cirrus' blog. Too pink for my taste. You are a great personality, C, but pink... So unlike you.

O, kinda happy in a way that you might be my potential schoolmate. Screw the educational system.

This trip here...Wrong travel companions, or at least the one I am in close proximity with (i.e. we share a room). She's a shopper. I like her, really I do. She has her irritating moments, but who doesn't? It's bloody complicated. We click on different levels.

Aw man, I just want to go back home and do full shift. It's getting to me, homesick-ness.

Oh yes, booze here is really cheap, hahaha; whiskey/bacardi and coke, my favorite.

Went to this place called the Men's Gallery... You would have probably guessed what sort of entertainment it sells by the name.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-06-04T22:07:00.000+08:00

COUNTRY: Australia
STATE: Sydney
LOCATION: some internet place owned by a Korean (i suspect)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I. Am. So. Bored.

Bored. Bored. Bored.

I'm supposed to be on a holiday officially after my overseas study program. Bored.

Sydney. Okay, maybe it is my first day here, thus leading to this growing sense of boredom of a country that is not my own. I miss Aidan.

The shops close at 5pm and boy, are they punctual. Around 4.55pm, they are already pulling down the shutters waiting for customers to leave. Arrggg.

By the way, I saw Books Kinokuniya in Sydney; took a picture but it was not that clear. My camera broke down on me and I have to 'depend' on my friend's digital camera to capture memories for the rest of the trip. Sometimes, I am unwillingly suckered by technology, damn it. The wonders of a digital camera is actually kinda cool.

So, things are happening back home (and work) and I am not there to witness it. It is like a gnawing feeling at the pit of my stomach; I feel that I need to know something, but I am not aware of it and thus this is making me slightly irritated. For one, Aidan is not feeling well :(

Some of the buildings here in Sydney are really cool. I know there is a better word to use to describe the buildings here, but it simply won't come to my mind. *O, you can help me with this* It's like the kind of buildings that one might see in Rome or Greece or any European countries, only that they are in Australia, which I felt was kind of a pirated version of those truly authentic ones. Auzzies..

The guy is here, just a few streets away from where I am staying (which is another subject I'm going to b*@ch about, damn it). I have not called him yet, though I know I should, as friends should. Well, some things are already confirmed so there is nothing for me to lose anyway.

I hope I'll feel more 'tourist-y' tomorrow. Maybe I'm jet-lagged. I am just coming up with possible reasons to explain my boredom in a foreign country. I spent ALOT on this trip, and there is no way I should be feeling like that. Or maybe, the result of spending over the limit is getting to me; I am weary of the shopping and fearful of the temptation, i.e. stuff, that will come. Well, God will be my financial consultant from now on.

All right... I shall go browse the blog of my favorite newsperson. Catch up with you guys again.

Almost forgot. The place that I am staying in Sydney, Hotel Ibis @ World ... it is terrible. I paid about SGD400 and all I got was a room that is about the same size as my room back home. ARGHH.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-06-02T16:40:00.000+08:00

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I read O's blog. S/He is like CNN or CNBC with a dash of humor and wryness. Just my kind of news flash.

Seems like alot happened in the store during my absence. When I return, i hope there won't be some stunner similar to the last time when I was away *cringes* Some memories, eww. Who got promoted?

Actually, I miss home. I miss the Singlish or, as what my friend recently called it, Chin-glish (chinese and english;my gawd, he's brillant, hahah) speaking community. I actually miss the sun. It's bloody cold here. Every morning when I wake up, this is like my morning call: F*#k, it's cold. BBBRRRR!!! Remember, I do not swear as much as the next person.

Caught Big Brother and There's Something about Miriam. I still don't get the point of Big Brother, but I am guessing it is somewhat like Paradise Hotel (ah, Keith. Damn it.). As for Miriam, it's about a bunch of guys wooing this lady called Miriam. The stunner is she has boobs AND a dick. Cool huh? Those real dickheads. This is what i call reality TV. Disgusting but entertaining.

ALl right, my time at the internet is almost up. I miss broadband *sob*.

~ bloody cold here in Melbourne ~

2004-06-02T16:12:00.000+08:00

COUNTRY: Australia
STATE: Melbourne
EXACT LOCATION: Kinkos *internet/printing place*

I don't even know where to start, but I will try to organize my thoughts. The time now is 6.03pm in Melboune; back home, it's 4.15pm. All the shops are packing up now. They are closing; some are already closed (damn it). To a Singaporean, this sucks big time. It's day 12 in Melbourne, and for those of you contemplating a holiay here, that is just about a nice duration here. More than 12 ays, you get bored. At least I am. Damn shops close so early...

I am technically here for an overseas study program, i.e. the powers that be in RMIT hopes that this trip will give us an experience of life in Australia. Well, the slow pace of life kinda got to me, because when me and 2 other jet-lagged hungry Singaporeans arrived, we were looking around for food and much to our despair and irritation, the shops were only beginning to open at around 12 in the afternoon. According to a friend's friend, that is normal on a bloody Sunday. By the way, they serve breakfast at 12. Go figure (damn it).

The shopping here is fine... then again, I am a tourist here and generally will not spend so much back home. It's like I carry hundreds of dollars to school everyday which is like not possible back home. In other words, I feel damn rich here, hah :D

Meals are like pizza, pasta, chinese food, Hungry Jacks (pirated version of BK), piza, pasta. Yeah, the tummy bulge is there already

If you guys think that I am not getting to the point, that means I am already fitting in. It IS that slow here... the lecturers talk so slowly that just by looking at them, you want to fall asleep.

Okay, the study program will end tomorrow and time, despite it being so slow here, actually flies. That is so ironic... I have to re-think about the possibility of that happening; how it actually happened.

Yes, yes...I am still shopping around. I'll probably bring back chocolates and nougat from Sydney. I might risk the bloody chilly cold and seriously consider climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge... hehe, are you envious, O? :D

Hmm...time for dinner (translates to a lunch over in Singapore). Having noodles. Till the next entry.

~ good bloody afternoon ~

2004-05-20T01:27:00.000+08:00

Was looking around for a new blog skin... nothing took my breathe away, unfortunately. After all, I would prefer my own designs (if they can be called designs in the first place, heh) any time.

So, I figured out all my thoughts over the weekends; I do that better on my own. Talking it out disorientates me sometimes, and confuses the hell out of those who are listening too. Working in the retail line really stretches one's tenacity as a human being. Again I say, I love this job. It's the people that I meet on the job that tests me; the customers and fellow colleagues.

Different people, different working styles. Different customers, different attitudes. There are many ways to handle these situations. Between people, there are many ways of communicating. My strategy this time would be to look out for any sense of what i would call 'bad vibe' signals. In this aspect, I think I can pretty much figure it out. Walking away from something potentially 'juicy' yet damaging to the inner peace and tranquility of the already struggling me would be something I can be proud of. So what if I don't know about this or that person doing this or that, and because of that, someone else is unhappy and blah blah blah blah blah....... at the end of the day, when I go home, it's going to mean nothing to me.

Okay, on to a better note. Melbourne, here I come in three days. I would be heading to Down Under for this overseas study program required by school, and I'm still not prepared. Must be this last minute mentality at work again, damn it.

Great, that broke my momentum completely. Now I have to go write a list of what I really want to bring over. Ciao for now.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-05-12T01:24:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I cannot help but wonder how some people, even the people you love, can disappoint you in some way. I had figured that it might be due to the unrealistic expectation that I unconsciously set upon them, so when they fall short of it, I become disappointed. Thoughts like “I thought he/she knew better” surface, and as you ponder on it, it became clear that the parties involved have changed; it is only the direction as to how each individual change.

This job that I have...I love it, and still do even with obnoxious and self-important individuals that I meet regularly. I take them all in stride, and there are ways to handle them. Even when I realized that I have to suppress my true self and fit the mould (their mould), I know I will still like the job. I have absolutely nothing against this job, and even right now, I have no “suicidal” thoughts of quitting. What transpired only makes me want to tear off their self-righteous masks in time to come.

Maybe I am being very naïve when it comes to people management. It is not what I do or do not do that matters, it is how it is perceived by other that is vital. Pretentious as it may sound, it is unfortunately true. I did not want to devote any part of this blog to this issue, but I realized how I have once again learned from such an event: -

1. This is one reason why some people absolutely hate their jobs... or their superior.
2. I have to kiss some ass on the way up, even if it is a small step up.
3. I have to make sure people see me doing that.
4. When they do and form ‘impressions’ about me, I have to speak up or shut up.
5. When all else fails, say ‘sorry’ and look like you really mean it.
6. If your whole basis as a person does not crumble because of that façade play, you are a survivor and I salute you.

DISCLAIMER: If anyone who reads this entry feels that they are being judged and will take it personally, I say "My blog, my rules. My words, don't give a rat's ass how you take it."

~ nox noctis ~

2004-05-11T01:39:00.000+08:00

So, life has been pretty peaceful lately. WIth no exams preparation to mull over, I sort of feel rather bummed. Such is human nature; when Fate puts you out of pain, you actually yearn for it because "there's nothing to do anyway".

Remembered having this conversation with O before, about how some people revel in pain and suffering, and would love to remain that way, brooding and wallowing. It is quite scary to me, because these people might actually never know happiness. It is going to be something so foreign to them, that they reject it. I don't even know why I'm talking about such people. They don't deserve any mention in my blog.

Which brings me to another thing my friend so casually mentioned but stuck in my head after that: How I continue to talk about certain people whom I dislike after certain incidents involving them. O will know, and I'm not going to talk about what, as it will totally defeat the purpose of not going into it. I guess for me, these people brought out in me extreme emotions and feelings which a rather peaceful person like me would never be able to experience on a daily basis. Such people are a lesson to be learnt, and I seriously wonder about the people who they hang out with. Are they flakes like them too? Birds of a feather flock together...so there is a basis to that phrase.

Sometimes, I wonder when I will get sick of the job. Currently, I am still loving it, and it is because I have a way to deal with the toxic people that i unwittingly come across. I have never tested the waters of subtle rudeness, which I will attempt.

Rusty Nail is THE drink for me. Uncomplicated and smooth. Hopefully, I can be a rusty nail some day.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-05-09T01:46:00.000+08:00

First entry with a blog skin...not mine, but well. will do for now, since I'm too lazy to come out with my own, which i wil in the near future.

Thanks again to O...i will say it as many times as i want, cos it's my blog! I love it, and this is probbaly make me make more entries, hahaha..

~ nox noctis ~

2004-05-08T23:55:00.000+08:00

The insecurities that I used to have about having a blog re-surfaced again. I realized that I have not told everybody that I know about my blog, and my casual mentions soon became enquires like, "oh, you have a blog? i'll go read it someday." that sort of made me go "errmm..hmm."

I'm not worried. Nothing vulgar or defamatory has been posted. It's just that more people will be reading and having their own thoughts about it, something I of course cannot control but yet cannot help but feel uneasy about. All right, I belive I am being paranoid. I am. Only the paranoid survive, though.

My exams are over and thus, I have all the time to prepare for my trip to Melbourne. I am excited about it, really. Despite the amount of (not my) money that will be blown, I'm looking forward to it. I'm being layman about this: money is meant to be spent. Spiritually speaking...I have not been a good steward of my money; something none Christians struggle with too.

O, Thank you very much for this skin... you didn't design it, but you helped enliven my blog. Many thanks.

Once again, my thoughts are running all over the place. I need to calm my brain down... must be the caffeine.Out.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-05-01T02:13:00.000+08:00

Recently, when certain things happen, I thought of him. He who is in Sydney right now. I should be thinking of Him who is in Heaven... forgive me Father.

Sometimes, when you go through certain emotions, you want to talk to somebody. Usually, it would be with the people who know you well and know what words to say. For me, it was wanting someone to be there. No words are needed; just be there. Actually, even as I say this, the person is there already. I just want a real presence, and it sickens me to think how fleshly and vulnerable I allow myself to be. It's good, though, that no one is around to see me at my most dejected. The One who sees does not and will not say anything; being there is enough.

How much I am willing to show another person my weakness is a factor I need to consider when thinking those fleeting thoughts of wanting a relationship. I talked to O about changes, and how I seem to be going backwards when moving forward. Contradicting? Well, that is exactly how I feel. Perhaps I do need to face and overcome my weaknesses in order to move forward...now where did I hear that from?

That said... it's never easy. My thoughts will always, or as long as I allow it to be, with him in Sydney; wondering how he is living his life.

~ nox noctis ~

2004-04-30T02:41:00.000+08:00

Two exams papers down and one final one to go, after which I will be happily busy with preparing for my melbourne trip... Can't wait :D

Ironically, I did actually learn something from school. Heh, guess I did but I never really knew how to apply additional mathematics in my daily life. I know simple addition and subtraction, but binomial theorem in daily life? Geometry? How?

What I've learnt was that I have greatly overestimate myself. Geez, you don't need school to tell you that, some people might say. Unfortunately, that is how I found out about myself: through my textbook. I realized that I have been a backstabber. I realized that I too have betrayed secrets told to me in confidentiality. I realized that despite saying how much I want to be a good person, I can't help but slip into the mold.

I'm greatly blessed, because up to now, I have not face any great trials and tribulations that actually alters the way I look at my life. In fact, I do look forward to uncertainty. "Problems are opportunites for change" This is the exact phrase I saw in my textbook when it was defining the term 'problem'. Human nature prevents us from accepting change. Humans are creatures of habits. We yearned to be free from whatever shackles that we are trapped in, but when we are given the freedom, we do not know how to use it... because we have been shackled for too long; we become comfortable in our misery.

Isn't that frightening? Comfort in misery. It is something that all of us cannot escape from, but we can choose to face it and decided whether or not to move on. Have I? Not that I know of, anyway.

All right, that's all I have for tonight. Whew....

~ nox noctis ~

2004-04-24T16:17:00.000+08:00

Well well well... another week has passed and what have I achieved so far? *long pause* oh yea, maybe the availability of other options with regards to the thing i hold dear to my beating heart: my future.

that's it folks. my blog, my rules...hehe :D

~nox noctis~

2004-04-13T14:20:00.000+08:00

Sometimes (maybe most of the time), I wonder why I am doing all these... whatever I am doing. The future is still unclear to me, but I do trust God in whatever that is going to happen to me in the future. Perhaps it is my mindset. I yearn for things that are so superficial and fleeting. I try to stop myself from being distracted by such thoughts, and to focus on the things that really matter. It’s difficult, because as I look around me, people are living their lives. For me, it seems like I’m going from one phase to another... and what is the next phase for me? As I rush through project after project, assignment after assignment, it became clear to me what I was doing: paper chasing. The bachelor degree that I’m going to earn is going to be one of the tools that this world will use to define my worth and capacity as a human being. It’s sad and inane, and I’m not going to be defined by this thing alone.

I don’t know if all these ramblings are a result of a medicine-induced mind (perhaps). It sickens me thoroughly when people do not act their age mentally. So what is the meaning of growing up then? You grow as you learn, and as you learn your mind changes. Being held back by things that do not matter is just another excuse for not moving forward. Human are self-destructive by nature; they do things knowing that it would not do them any good. But do they stop? No. By continuing, it gives them the will to lament and whine and self-pity themselves. These people, I say to them... move on. You’re getting on people’s nerves.

So, people’s lives are what they dictated it to be. Mine is dictated by the God I believe in. It takes a lot of patience, and I guess one way to know what will go on in my life is to become God, which is not my plan any time soon. He’s doing a pretty good job right now. The stage is set, and my role(s) is/are defined. The Director will tell me what to do next, and if I want to get an Oscar, I better listen to Him.

~ nox notics ~

2004-04-07T01:39:00.000+08:00

Today was a fine day. I truly realized that (and a friend put into words these thoughts) when humans actually put aside their differences, the world can be a better place.

It dawned upon me that as I go through this particular tough part of the year, I wasn't really growing the way I wanted to. For starters, I did not know how to handle the nitty-gritty episode that happened at home. Being the way we are, we just kept all thoughts to ourselves and let things pass. Just the other day, I wanted to cry; nothing bad or sad happened. I felt that overwhelmed and what I really wanted was to spill my tears to release all of these frustrations and immobile negativity that was holding me back from moving forward.

In school, I became emotional and unprofessional. I let myself be influenced by events and how I rationalized it was that, I have reached a point that if I do not speak up what I truly feel, I'm going to be walked all over. This is the tough part. Before I felt that way, things were done. We were efficient; there were results. The thing is, all the results are achieved with a lot of underlying discontent and grudges. When I entered the mode of being picky and rebelling, nothing was done and all we talked about was how bad/ controlling/ silly/ bitchy that particular person was. Were things done? No. More grudges grew, and we reamined stagnant that way.

At work, that's another world again. It is as though I leave an overwhelming world temporarily and enter another lighthearted one. The danger is that, when you let your guard down in this world, it's not easy to go back as there are many people looking at you and being in the real working world, this is very important for survival.

Work is fine, though I harboured thoughts of leaving it for good a couple of weeks ago. It was attributed to the fact that I wasn't focused, and I let my thoughts run wild. Well, I've gotten over that kind of suicidal thoughts regarding this job. I love it. I actually enjoy working in the retail/ customer service line. I used to think that I hated people, or dislike them immensely, but this job taught me otherwise. It taught me something, and showed me many things regarding people. I deal with people every day, and I see many different kinds of people every day. I enjoy it very much, and it gives me a opportunity handle matters that I do not usually encounter, be it customers or among fellow colleagues.

On hindsight...if this had not happened, I won't be here to write down all of these. I'm very reflective today, cos of what happened at work that made me think if I am being hypocritical with regards to handling certain kind of people i do not like. Well, still learning... :D

~ nox notics ~

2004-04-06T02:03:00.000+08:00

Well...I'm seriously considering dropping out of school. Technically, i'm planning to drop out...so am i really dropping out? Okay,it's more like i want to withdraw from this course. However, being singaporean, i still have one more semester to go before i earn (with blood and sweat and more blood) that piece of paper known as a DEGREE. So, do i proceed? Of course. I'm stuck in this matrix-like system...argh.

Nope, I will not drop out, because it says alot about my perseverance and determination. Not to mention my duty towards my parents, and the promise that i would obtain a degree for them. So it is true. I am doing this for them, but it is also for my own sake because i know i'll be covered when I get out there into the working world. My parents know that too. Therefore, despite all the grumbling, groaning, cursing, swearing, sweating, bleeding, stoning... I want to finish this damn program and get a move in my life after that!

Temporal rambling.

~nox notics~

2004-04-01T03:55:00.000+08:00

in the still of the night... with gary barlow's "forever love" playing on the radio, this is another one of those lonely nights of many to come.

i'm still up, rushing my report that is due today 1st April. i'm not rushing though, because i'm so tired of the hustle bustle. the report will be out anyway, so there's nothing to worry about.

today is also the 1st death anniversary of a Hong Kong entertainment icon. his life is colorful, to say the least, and for him to disappear from the face of his earth is a very sobering thought.

i mentioned to a friend that i don't remember this icon's death until i see his pictures/ images or hear his songs. call it selective memory or whatever, his death hasn't totally sink in for me. maybe now, it has. after a year, i finally accept it.

when i told that friend about my selective memory of the icon's death, he replied , "easy to forget". that got me thinking about what he meant by that. easy to forget.... has life pass me by so fast that i no longer hold things dear to my heart, and they are merely nothing but remnants of the wind and easily forgotten? have i lost all sentimentality? has my heart hardened?

i get lyrical when it's too late. most of the people i know are all fast asleep, and i'm the only one up. the time now is 4.15am. i should get back to work.

~ nox notics ~

2004-03-31T01:09:00.000+08:00

** how do i start? so many things have happened, and to use the term "rollercoaster" hardly seems apt. all right then, i shall do it this way... **

Ophelia commented that my last entry was 13th March... between that day and today,lots had happened. A phrase just came into my mind: what does one do when fate deals you a very,very negative hand?

As a Christian trying very hard to be staunch, I do not really see fate as something that I have a part in. It is not in your hands at all and for one to fight it, it's simply foolish.

A person really close to me is having some difficulties, and initially, i dealt with it in a very very bad way. i sort of gave up all drive towards everything; even excused my laziness because "there's simply too much for me to deal with right now." Now, the me says balls to that.

I'm not perfect, and thus whatever i do, i'll probably suffer whatever consequences that God sees fit for me. The thing is, I'll never regret it. There was a moment in life where I thought: "when I'm lying on my death bed, do I want to die with regrets?" The answer was, and still is, 'no'.

Some people might think that I'm being idealistic and am speaking too flippantly... like, 'die without regrets? come on...'. To that, i say, "why not?" My attitude towards life now is just do it, and learn some lessons after it.

Actually, my thoughts are right now very disorganized (as always)... but i can say that i am feeling much better than two weeks ago. This year started off the way I did not want it to be, but i should take comfort in the fact that I'm going to Melbourne & Sydney in May for 3 weeks. I see that as a break i long deserved, and I am still sore over the fact that I would miss the stocktaking session at the store. it's very difficult to say if i'll be able to stay for next year's.

Paper chasing...I need a break from that. Because when I think about it, I jumped into it (the bandwagon)because that was what i should do and i didn't want to lose out. Now that I'm in, i kinda regret (that's one so far..am keeping count) my attitude. But now that I'm in it anyway, I might as well make full use of it. Really, really tough, but it's something that needs to be done.

Time to start on my report due on April Fools' Day.... *groan*

~nox notics~

2004-03-12T00:44:00.000+08:00

Today was gd, thanks to last night's Long Island Iced Tea and Bloody Mary (it's bloody horrid too, may i add). For the record, I still have no idea what a hangover is... I mean, what is that? :D

A few of us went down to a pub down at Orchard Road to celebrate a fellow colleague's 21st birthday. She was adamant about having drinks during her birthday party, and the rest of us didn't exactly violently object. There was a pool table and a nice atmosphere. The music played over the stereo was cool as well... nothing that made me go "what the hell?!"

Anyway, birthday girl had a Flaming Lambourghini AND Water Fall (the bartender actually looked concerned). Hahah, i'm sure she loves it, despite puking, cursing, swearing, puking again, and hating us all for her misery.

I like the pub... and I will be trying a Waterfall and/or Flaming Lambourghini :) If I sound like an alcoholic dying to get out, i'm not. So far, I enjoy cocktails more than beer. Beer is an acquired taste, and i would prefer a cocktail anytime. Plus, the names are really funky...that i have to admit.

I think drinks are more enjoyable with a couple of friends. I don't know how it will be like if i'm drinking by myself, but i don't think it will be as much fun as having a few friends around. it's the chatting, laughing, joking and feeling that's really fun and enjoyable.

My friend mentioned that i seem to loosen up after a drink. It made me aware of that fact, and i sort of went back into my shell again...not for long anyway. i guess when the alcohol takes effect, u can feel it and it's just coursing through your veins and warming your body all over. It is a nice feeling, and it does help one to relax... maybe i'm the sort who needs alcohol to loosen up. That sounds like details i shouldn't be sharing in the WWW.Well, like you'll ever see me :D Maybe i do need to loosen up.

Definitely looking forward to the next pub outing.

~ nox noctis ~